Now that I’ve dropped my attempt to write down three positive things each day, I figured it was time to get back into some actual diary writing: you know, the totally honest, accompanied-by-blurry-iPhone-photos kind of diary entries I used to write?
That’s the kind of diary post I prefer writing, if I’m honest (and if you can’t be honest in your own diary, when can you?), and although they might not always be all shiny, and happy and positive, at least they give me the opportunity to write about ALL of the things that happen in my life, both good and bad. Things like this, for instance:
And, I mean, OK, this is obviously a photo of my face. I don’t mean that I want to just write about my face all the time, just FYI. (She, er, says while blatantly writing about her face…) My face HAS been a bit of a worry this week, because on Tuesday night, I was taking my makeup off before bed, when I suddenly realised my left eyelid was really sore to the touch – oh, and roughly the size of a golf ball. I immediately assumed a tumour had started growing behind my eyeball (Because, health anxiety…), but luckily I only had to think that for a few minutes, before remembering that, actually, this has happened to me before, and it’s just my ol’ friend blepharitis – which, for those of you who can’t be bothered clicking that link, is a condition where your eyelid randomly swells up for a few days. Awesome, huh?
I’ve had this a few times now (the most memorable time being right before my wedding: thanks, body!), and I put it down to stress. I’ve been pretty stressed lately, mostly because I’ve come to realise that I’m a complete and utter control freak (I think this is where my phobia of general anaesthetic/hospitalisation comes from: it’s not the fear of surgery, or of dying, or of just being in a hospital – it’s the complete lack of control which those two situations would give me. That freaks me out BAD. See also: flying.), and lately I haven’t felt even remotely in control of life. As I mentioned in my blog progress report last weekend, I have a couple of work projects on the go which are totally out of my hands (And one of which leaves me in the frustrating position of having to wait for someone else’s permission to post something on my own blog…), and that, coupled with a flare-up of health anxiety, has made the last few weeks a bit of a ‘mare, really (I find it really hard to deal with situations where I can’t plan out my time, and am basically just waiting for other people to give me last-minute instructions…), so I suppose it’s not surprising that my body would be all, “Hmm, Amber’s stressed: I wonder how I could make that worse? I know! I’ll force her to go without makeup for a week!”
So, yeah, I had to spend (almost) an entire week without eye makeup, while I applied hot compresses, and massaged my eyelid every few hours. It wouldn’t have been too bad if I’d been able to keep my sunglasses on all the time, obviously (I did continue doing my brows and lips when I had to leave the house, because there are limits to how much humiliation I can take…), but it turns out that sunglasses indoors are only acceptable if you’re Anna Wintour or Karl Largerfeld, so I just had to suck it up and present my mascara-free, swollen-eyelided self to the world, for the first time since I was about… oooh, 13, maybe? Or whatever age I was when my mum finally bowed to my threats to call Childline if she didn’t start letting me wear mascara? I’m not sure.
Just to make matters worse, since I had to have two doses of methotrexate, back in December, I’ve noticed that my eyelashes have been really short and sparse. I’m not sure if the methotrexate is totally to blame for this: it’s technically a chemotherapy drug, so it CAN cause hair loss, although, from what I’ve read, that doesn’t normally happen with just two doses. It MIGHT also just be stress, then, but, whatever the reason, my eyelashes have been looking like crap, lately, even without the swollen-eyelid situation, so I was NOT happy to have to ditch the mascara for a week, thus making myself look like I don’t have any lashes AT ALL.
(Sidenote: I’ve tried RapidLash, No. 7 ‘Fanomenal’ serum, and plain ol’ coconut oil, none of which have made the slightest bit of difference. Most of the other products I’ve seen for this seem to cost £100 a pop, which I just can’t afford, so if anyone has some lower-cost recommendations, which are available in the UK, I’d love to hear them!)
Any time something like this happens, my main technique for dealing with it is just to point it out to everyone I meet, before they can notice it for myself, so I’ve basically spent the week going around saying, “Hi, good to see you! LOOK AT MY RED SWOLLEN EYES!” Cute, huh? Comments have ranged from, “I thought you were wearing pink eyeshadow!” to “I just assumed you were really ill!” so I’m happy to report that, at the time of writing, my eyelid is pretty much back to normal, so THANK GOD FOR THAT, and BRING ME ALL THE MASCARA.
I actually didn’t intend this entire post to be about my stupid eyelid, so, look, here’s a photo of a milkshake with cake in it!
This was taken in TGI Friday’s. We’d actually gone there because they’d been advertising a milkshake with Cadbury’s Creme Eggs in it, and you all know how I feel about Creme Eggs, right? As it turned out, though, the Creme Egg one doesn’t launch until later in the month, so it looks like we’ll have to go back… and when we do, I might just go and visit this jacket, at the nearby branch of Zara, too:
(Sorry about the photos, they’re from Instagram Stories!)
They don’t seem to have this pale green version on the website, but they DO have it in pink and blue… which I also want. I will try to resist, but… I probably won’t try too hard, knowing me. I will report back…