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7 Things You Googled That I Will Answer For You

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very so often, I like to take a look at my blog analytics to see what kind of things people typed into Google which brought them to this site. I mean, most of the time it’s just people searching for magnetic eyelash reviews, or wondering what to wear with a midi skirt or something, and I’ll have a brief moment of confusion, where I think, “Wait: why would that question lead someone to ME?” before remembering that, once upon a time I used to wear clothes other than jeans, and sometimes even spend more than two minutes on my makeup. 

Brief moment of silence, please, for The Old Me: may she rest in peace. 

Anyway! As I said, most of the questions that bring people to the site are about eyelashes or midi skirts, but there are a few others that crop up, too, and today I thought I’d answer some of them. Mostly because – and I’ll just be honest here – Max has started waking up an hour earlier than he usually does this week, and I’m much too tired to think up a proper topic for a blog post. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never. In the meantime, here are some of the questions you (Or someone like you…) typed into Google…

pale pink rose“If I freak out on a chair lift, could I enjoy the London eye?”

OK, so, first of all, I have never been on a chair lift (And I can say with some confidence that I never WILL…), so I can’t give you a direct comparison here. I have, however, been on the London Eye, so I CAN say this to you: it is scary. Or, at least, I found it scary.  Most people will disagree with this. Most people will tell you that The London Eye moves so slowly that it cannot possibly scare you. They will point out that the “pod” things are so large that, why, it’s just like sitting in your living room at home!

These people are lying to you, though. 

I, on the other hand, will tell you the truth, and the truth is that this is a gigantic wheel with little glass pods dangling from it, and while it IS certainly true to say that it moves so slowly that you’ll sometimes wonder if it’s broken down, it’s also true to say that, when your pod reaches the very top of the wheel, and you’re perched precariously on top of it, you might well find yourself wondering if you’re possibly about to die. 

Or that’s how I felt, anyway. 

I mean, I should probably point out here that I’m a little bit scared of heights. And everything else, basically: so going on the London Eye wasn’t really my best idea, all things considered.  If you’re a relatively normal person, however, you probably won’t find it remotely scary. Most people don’t, after all, so I guess MY question to YOU is, “How normal ARE you? Like, on a scale of 1 to Forever Amber?” Because, although I have no way to compare the two, my guess is that the London Eye is nowhere near as scary as a chair lift would be, and, on the plus side, you do get spectacular views of London from it. To answer your question, then… er, I can’t really answer your question, sorry: you’re just going to have to try it and see. Let’s pretend this question didn’t happen, then, and move onto the next one…  (Oh yeah: on the off-chance that you DO think I can be of more help to you, you’ll find a full post about my experience on the London Eye here…)

“How to make an effort with your appearance when you have children?”

Dammit! I was hoping for one I could actually answer this time! 

In all honesty, I’ve basically been a complete wreck of a person since I had Max, and every single day takes me one step further away from being someone who looks like they have made even the slightest effort with their appearance. With that said, I do have a few suggestions for you, and here they are: 

01. Get your eyebrows done. Mine are microbladed, but if you don’t want to take it quite that far, even just getting them waxed/dyed/otherwise licked into shaped will instantly make you look a little more “groomed”, even when you’ve just rolled out of bed and picked your clothes off the floor.

02. Ditto eyelashes: get them dyed, lifted, curled, whatever – it’ll save you the effort of having to wear mascara, while simultaneously making you look more awake. Clever, no?

03. Create a capsule wardrobe. I’m not saying you have to throw all of your other clothes away, but when you don’t have a lot of time in the morning to carefully select outfits, having a small number of high-quality basics that mix and match effortlessly will make your life easier, and your appearance that little bit more polished. 

04. Red lipstick. It’s the cure to almost every single sartorial problem, I promise. Also, it makes you look like you’ve made an effort, even if it’s the only makeup you’ve worn all week. Try it. 

05. Read this post on how to look like you’ve made an effort when you’re secretly covered in spit-up for some more suggestions.

colourful buildings against a blue sky“C-section for mental health reasons what to tell people””

This one made me a feel a bit sad, to be honest. I really want to be able to answer it by saying that if you’re having a c-section for mental health reasons, then you should simply tell people, “I’m having a c-section for mental health reasons,” but, of course, that would be completely ignoring the fact that there’s a whole lot of judgement out there for women who actively choose to have a c-section, and I’m guessing that’s what you’re worried about here, right? 

Trust me: I get it. When I started considering having an elective c-section, Terry actually suggested that, if I went ahead with it, I simply tell people that I was having to have one through medical necessity. He didn’t say this because he was ashamed of the real reason, or because he didn’t agree with it, I hasten to add: Terry’s position right from the start was that it was 100% my decision, and that he would support me either way, but he also made it clear that he personally believed a c-section would be the least traumatic option for me. No, he suggested we tell people I HAD to have a c-section, purely because he was aware how judgemental people can be about this topic, and he just didn’t want me to have to deal with that, at a time when I was already struggling with extreme levels of anxiety.

I understood where he was coming from, but I, on the other hand, felt strongly that I wanted to be honest about my experience: partly because I truly believe that every woman has the right to choose the type of birth they believe is best for them (Within reason, obviously: I’m not advocating going against medical advice, or anything like that…), but also because I knew there were lots of other women out there typing questions like this one into Google, and hoping to connect with someone who understands how they feel. 

So, to whoever wrote this: I understand how you feel. And while I can’t promise you that no one will judge you if you tell the truth about your reasons for having a c-section, I CAN tell you that I got (almost) nothing but support when I was honest about mine. Seriously, I’ve had hundreds of comments on this topic since I started writing about it, and only one was even remotely negative. ONE. Out of hundreds.  I suspect there were at least a couple of people in real life who didn’t understand/approve, but, luckily for me, those people were kind enough to keep their opinions to themselves. And, of course, 18 months later, literally NO ONE cares how my baby was born, or why. So there’s that. 

Ultimately, it’s totally up to you what you decide to tell people: my personal feeling is that, if more people were honest about their feelings on this subject, there might be less judgement about it, but I also know that it’s an incredibly personal decision, and one that you shouldn’t feel you have to justify to anyone, so, “It’s private, and I’d prefer not to get into it,” is one way to shut down any unwelcome questions.

Alternatively, simply direct them to this post, and I’ll answer the awkward questions so you don’t have to.

“As a child I was frightened of my house burning down”

OK, this one isn’t actually a question, obviously, but I’m including it anyway, because, DUDE, ME TOO. I was so scared my house would burn down that I sometimes used to force myself to stay awake until my parents had gone to bed, then creep to the top of the stairs, so I could sniff the air to make sure there were no traces of smoke in it. Should we maybe start a club or something for Survivors of Anxious Childhoods? Did you also by any chance spend a lot of time worrying about Guerrilla Warfare, and wondering why other people weren’t more concerned about the fact that gorillas had somehow taken up arms, and were waging war against humans? How did they do it? Who taught them? Why were there never any photos of the gun-toting apes to accompany the news reports about them? SO MANY QUESTIONS. 

Everyone in my family was glad when I finally grew up, needless to say.

See also: 4 things I was scared of as a child

“Is it ok to say someone has pale skin?”

I mean, it depends on the context, really. If there’s some factual reason to say someone has pale skin – like, I dunno, you’re buying them makeup, or something? – then yes, it would be perfectly acceptable to make that observation.

If, on the other hand, you’re basically just walking up to people, all, “OMG, UR SKIN IS, LIKE, SO PALE!” then that would obviously make you a bit of an asshole, and you should probably watch that, tbh.

See also: 11 things pale girls are sick of hearing.

Visiting Old Town, Kissimmee, Florida“Is it weird that my friends are unfollowing me on Instagram?”

Not really, no: you are SUPER annoying on Instagram, seriously.

OK, I’m joking. It’s still not all that weird, though, because, no matter how much you love someone in real life, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to want to follow them on Instagram. I know a lot of people feel that they’re morally obliged to follow the people they know, but if the people you know are just relentlessly spamming their grid with something you’re not interested in, what are you supposed to do?

I’m thinking here about people who only ever post photos of a really specific hobby, say, that you don’t happen to share. Or who just post cheesy “inspirational” quotes or – even worse – “memories” of cheesy inspirational quotes that they posted this time last year, and have just been reminded of by a bot.  (Yes, I know that’s Facebook I’m talking about here: I just really wanted to complain about it, OK?). No matter how much I like the person, I still don’t want to see that kind of thing all the time, and it kind of ruins my enjoyment of the platform (I rarely use Facebook, for instance, because of all of the absolute rubbish people share over there all the time: sorry, family and friends – I love you, but Snopes.com is your friend…), so, in this case, an unfollow wouldn’t be any personal reflection on them, it would simply be an indication that I don’t want to have to keep scrolling past photos of their motorbike, or whatever it is that they’ve dedicated their Instagram to.

(I’m obviously lying here: I would NEVER unfollow a real life friend on Insta, because then they might hate me. I’m not remotely offended when someone chooses to unfollow me over there, though: I AM super-annoying on Insta, and I know it…)

See also: This is why I unfollowed you on Instagram

“What can we learn from Five on a Treasure Island”

Can I just quickly say how much I LOVE this question? Whoever you are, mystery Google-searcher, I feel like we could definitely be friends: you, me, and the person who was worried their house would burn down.  And, of course, there is so much we can learn from Five on a Treasure Island. SO MUCH. We can learn, for instance, that:

01. Girls can totally be just as good as boys, but only if they are exactly like boys, and, also, kind of stroppy and weird all the time.

02. Dogs can climb rope ladders. Because how else did Timmy get out of the well?

03. It’s not remotely bad parenting to allow four young children to go off and live on a deserted island by themselves, as long as they’re accompanied by a dog, and have a steady supply of potted meat sandwiches. 

04. Even if you have enough gold ingots to fill an entire room, you will still be quite poor.

05. Even if you are quite poor, you should still be able to employ your own private cook, and go to boarding school, because who doesn’t?

This, however, is all just off the top of my head, as it’s been a while since I read this particular book (I’m obviously fighting the impulse not to go and read it right now, though…), but if you want some more general observations about the things we can learn from the Famous Five, you’ll find them here

As this post has now rambled on for way longer than I intended it to, meanwhile, I’m going to call it quits here. If you have any other burning questions you’d like me to answer, though, feel free to leave them in the comments box, and I’ll do my very best.* (Or, if you’d rather ask on Insta, there’s a question sticker on my Stories today, too…)

(*Assuming it’s stuff I actually KNOW about, that is. I’ve noticed that any time I post the ‘questions’ sticker on Insta, I tend to get a lot of people posting things like, “I know you’re a pale-skinned ginger, Amber, but can you recommend a really good foundation for dark skin?” Or questions about cooking/ darts / the stock market/ other things I have never shown even the slightest interest in, and have no idea why people think I’ll have some inside knowledge about them…)

(*I have never been asked about either darts or the stock market, btw. I have been asked about cooking, and for product recommendations for skin/hair types that are totally different from mine, though, and while I’m flattered that people think I will know about these things, I just… don’t. Sorry. I DO know quite a lot about The Famous Five, though, so there’s that.)

 

What do you think?

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12 Comments
  • Ellie
    July 22, 2019

    Ahh I LOVE this post babe!! Such a great idea to answer so many common questions- I totally agree that it’s okay not to follow someone online just because you are friends in real life.

    http://www.petiteelliee.com

    Ellie xx

  • Katy
    July 22, 2019

    This is such an excellent post idea Hahaha!

    Two things: firstly, you CAN mute people on Instagram! If you go to their profile, tap the three dots in the top right corner, and you can then selectively mute just their posts, or their posts and stories.

    Secondly, I reread Five on Treasure Island a few weeks ago and I’m 99% sure that it says that Timmy stays underground and hides in the dungeon while they all climb the ladder 👍🏻

    • Amber
      July 22, 2019

      Ah, I didn’t know that about Insta! I knew I could mute people’s messages to me, but it doesn’t actually seem to work – I still get the comments? 🤔 As for Timmy, he must have gotten out of the cellar eventually, though? I’m guessing there must have been an entrance other than the rope ladder that he could use once the smugglers were gone? Can you tell I’ve spent way too much time thinking about this? 😂

  • Alice
    July 22, 2019

    You shouldn’t have to tell anyone you are having a C section at all unless you want to! And if you want to tell them, it can be for health reasons (including mental health) or just because it’s your choice.

    It’s really no one’s business other than yours and your healthcare team.

  • Liz Tea Bee
    July 22, 2019

    I just want throw out there that having a c-section for mental health reasons is having a c-section for medical reasons. Your health anxiety is not less legitimate than my wonky pelvis.

    I love the insta mute function (I see some one has already let you know about it.) I have one friend who posts annoying stories but I want to see the feed pictures of her kids and one friend who posts inspirational quotes on her feed but I want to see her funny stories. I appreciate that can opt in and out based on that.

    • Alice
      July 24, 2019

      yes exactly.

      But it’s no one else’s business anyway!

  • Miss Kitty
    July 23, 2019

    I never knew that you could see the questions that led people to your site! Now I’m freaking out a bit, wondering what mine was! 😄 (Actually I think I found your blog through another blog I was following at the time.)

    I have a question for you – is the new Instagram thing of hiding ‘likes’ going to affect you, as someone who makes an income off social media? I have read a few boo-hoo type articles from entitled ‘influencers’, I would be interested in your take on it.

    • Amber
      July 23, 2019

      I don’t actually make money from social media: my income comes from the blog itself and my books, so it won’t affect me personally, no. I would imagine it might have an effect people who rely solely on Instagram, though, as it’ll presumably make it harder for brands to assess their level of influence, other than by follower numbers, which are so easily manipulated these days!

  • Jordan Turner
    July 23, 2019

    Things I felt in my soul?

    “Red lipstick. It’s the cure to almost every single sartorial problem, I promise. Also, it makes you look like you’ve made an effort, even if it’s the only makeup you’ve worn all week. Try it. ”

    I’m not even a mother and I’ve lived by that motto every day since 18.

  • Nicola
    July 26, 2019

    OMG I also had a fear of my house burning down, I had no idea it was so common! I remember seeing something on TV about a house that had been hit by lightning and caught on fire and so I spent the next few weeks sleeping with my slippers on to allow me to make a quick getaway from the house if there ever was a fire.

    Even now, 20 years later, I don’t see it as ridiculous, I feel like it made good sense …

  • dubliner in deutschland
    August 2, 2019

    So now I’m curious who does the cooking in your house? As a child I didn’t fear the house burning down so much but I was constantly worried someone would trip over something and die! I guess dramatic fears are a normal part of growing up…

    • Amber
      August 4, 2019

      Terry!

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