ASOS are trying to bankrupt me…
I don’t normally do shopping posts on this blog, but I’m pretty sure the people who read ShoeperWoman must be getting sick of my ASOS obsession by now, and, well, it’s not getting any better, really, so I thought I’d bore you lot with it instead. Sorry.
Anyway, so, as I said, ASOS are trying to bankrupt me. I’m actually thinking of getting Terry to put some kind of parental lock onto the site, because it’s full of stuff that I simultaneously CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT, but also WOULD NEVER GET TO WEAR. For instance:
You know how people on the internet have to totally exaggerate every emotion, so blog comment sections are full of people saying stuff like, “I LITERALLY DIED WHEN I SAW YOUR SHOES!” and “I laughed so much at this that I had to be hospitalised, but I’m writing this from the ambulance because it’s just the best thing I’ve seen in my entire life and nothing will ever compare to it!” (Er, they don’t say these things TO ME, I hasten to add. Which sometimes makes me think I’m doing something wrong, but I digress…) Well, I LITERALLY DIED when I saw this dress, people. Literally. Died. It’s so pretty! And so floaty! And would look so great with red lips and gold sandals, and I really, really want it, but where would I wear a strapless lemon dress? That’s actually part of the ASOS Wedding Collection? As in, they’re expecting bridesmaids to wear it?
Actual bridesmaids. Wearing it.
So this is what it’s come to, then: I literally – LITERALLY – want to dress as a bridesmaid. This is SO TYPICAL of me, seriously. Like, I’m actually sitting here trying to convince myself that if I wore it with a cardigan, and left the bouquet at home (It’s nice with the bouquet, though? Isn’t it nice with the bouquet? Why don’t more people carry bouquets in everyday life?), it could be totes casual!
Then I saw this:
And then I died twice. Seriously, mint green, ASOS? What are you trying to do to me? Do you WANT Terry to divorce me?
Apparently so. This one is also off-the-shoulder, but it’s not like that’s stopped me before, and it’s also a stretch scuba fabric. Scuba fabric = MUCH more casual than chiffon. Also, this dress is £35. And I bet it wouldn’t even BE off-the-shoulder on me, because for some reason when I wear bardot-style necklines, they always creep up my shoulders and end up being ON-the-shoulder. So this is completely causal, basically. Yes it is. IS.
Oh, hello perfect white dress, which I would wear with a little pink cardigan, and maybe those pink strappy sandals I got last year, but hardly ever get to wear because no one really needs to see THAT MUCH of my feet, do they? This is by Chi Chi London. They’re also trying to bankrupt me. Why must my life be so full of temptation? And why isn’t this dress in my closet right now?
Oh yeah, it’s because it’s £85, and I need trousers and tops and other “causal” clothes, that I can wear in my actual, day-to-day life, not pretty purple prom dresses, that would make people keep asking me if I’m going to a wedding, even although they see me dressed like this fairly often, and I’m NEVER going to a wedding, am I? I’m actually crying now. Literally. If I WAS going somewhere fancy, though, I would totally wear this:
Now, could someone please invite me somewhere fancy? Also, any chance I could borrow some money, first?