Eye’ll Be Back. Probably.

I have to go to the opticians tomorrow, for my usual annual checkup. This worries me, for two reasons:

1. What if the optician looks into my eyes with his little light-stick thing, and spots a huge tumour growing in my brain? That can totally happen, you know, and the reason I know this is because I constantly get hits to this website from visitors who have Googled some variation of the phrase "OMG, opticians can totally spot brain tumours and that could happen to YOU, dude!"

Also, my optician has a tendency to make lots of sombre "Hmmmm" noises as he looks at my eyes, and my fevered brain tends to translate these sounds as "Hmmm, I wonder how I’m going to tell her about the massive brain tumour I’ve just spotted behind her left eye?" so by the time he tells me to "take a seat in the big chair" I always think the unspoken end of that sentence is "because you’re going to want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you." So, lots of fun there, then.

2. When he switches off the lights in the room and gets out the little light stick thing, which he then waves about in front of me, I always think he looks like he’s rave dancing. You know, like in the 90s? When people used to carry those day-glo sticks to raves and make "whooo! whoo!" sounds while waving them around? (* Has clearly never been to a rave in her life*) So that makes me want to laugh. Like, really, really badly.  Luckily, I’m usually able to prevent myself from laughing by thinking about the brain tumour, though, so we’re all good.

Also, just while we’re talking about the gym, (see that effortless transition there? That’s why I am a writer.) today when Terry and I went to Body Pump, I happened to glance down at the pool, which you can see through one of the windows in the Body Pump studio, and noticed that it was surrounded by women in snazzy swimsuits who were all just lounging around reading novels. In the GYM. For an hour. So, they were basically pretending to be sunbathing, only without any sun (because they were indoors), or a pool bar, or a martini or anything.

Anyway, I mentioned to Terry that this seemed a bit strange to me (because it’s a gym) and then he gave me that, "Oh my God, I have married a moron" look he does so well, and explained that no, it’s me who is a bit strange, and that there is nothing more normal in the world than to head down to the gym with your beach towel and a paperback. Apparently this is what all the cool kids are doing now. And then I felt stupid, because I normally just read in bed, where there are no screaming children or judgmental redheads walking by, and now I realise that I’ve been missing out on a whole world of sunless sunbathing at the gym.  RELAXING: UR DOIN IT RONG!

Maybe I should give it a try?

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  • I have such a hard time not laughing at the eye doctor. Mainly because it's just so awkward and unnatural to be that close to someone you barely know.

    July 3, 2008
  • Danielle


    Haha judgmental redheads. I agree with you, that's such a waste of space to be reading novels in a gym.

    July 3, 2008
  • Kerry


    Just to calm your optician worries, when they are shining that light into your eye, they are looking at the blood vessels in there and the retina at the back of the eye. They DEFINATELY cannot see into your brain and I'm pretty sure you can't get a tumour in your eye. There's all sorts of other nasty things that you can have though…..!

    July 3, 2008
  • Yes, lounging beside an indoor pool is… weird. I would totally be the judgmental brunette walking by.

    July 3, 2008
  • I think the look on Terry's face was actually "Oh my God, I've married a genius!"


    July 4, 2008
  • Sorry Terry, you are wrong. Those people are weird. Once again, Amber is complete correct and also, sane and not in the least bit moronic!

    July 4, 2008
  • Terry


    It's a pool area with a spa/jacuzzi, sauna and steam room. It's for relaxing quite clearly, hence all the reclining chairs.

    Next time we go to body pump I will skip the class and leave you sweating it out while I chill out in the jacuzzi and re-read "A cool look at Global warming." I can feel your jealousy already…

    July 4, 2008
  • I worry about the same thing at the eye doctor, because he either says Hmmm when he's looking in there or he says nothing. But then he says "you have very pretty eyes" so then I just melt into a puddle and I'm all tumor schmumor. I have PRETTY EYES."

    July 4, 2008
  • Steph


    I hate going to see my optician – he has the cold, dead eyes of a killer. Now, he's never run screaming at me with an axe, but something in his eyes always seems to suggest that it's really only a matter of time. Plus, he has been my optician for 18 years, so I think he secretly hates me for reminding him of the cruel passing of the years.
    Paranoid? Why, yes I am!

    And reading at the gym is insane, you're completely right Amber.

    July 7, 2008
  • Andrea


    I like to read while I use the equipment (elliptical, treadmill, stationary bike, etc…), but I don't go there ONLY to read!

    August 25, 2009