Fortune Cookie Futures

A few days after Terry and I moved in together, we hit on a scam that would ensure that we saved money and continued to enjoy regular meals, even although we were no longer living with parents. The plan was stunning in its simplicity: we would have dinner at our respective parental homes on at least one day each week. We have worked this scam pretty successfully ever since, and so it is that on Saturday evenings we can always be found at my parents’ house, where we eat all their food, drink all their wine (OK, I drink all their wine…), have furious arguments about Clinton/Obama and try to leave Rubin behind by “accident” when we leave. (That part of the plan has never come off. We’re working on it.)

This Saturday night, however, my parents were in London, at a wedding, and so Terry and I were forced to feed ourselves. Naturally, we decided to eat out.

We headed to our local Chinese restaurant, where I instantly managed to pull off my usual trick of being by far the most ridiculously overdressed person in the room, simply by wearing a skirt. (WHY? Why do people nowadays think jeans-and-a-t-shirt is the appropriate outfit NO MATTER WHAT? Why does no one ever dress up any more? Why do I persist in the belief that I am actually living in a black and white movie, meaning that I always end up looking like an extra from Breakfast at Tiffany’s when everyone else is in – yes! – jeans-and-a-t-shirt? Except for that one time when I thought I’d try to avoid sticking out like a sore thumb for a change and went out in jeans and a t-shirt, only to find that everyone else was dressed like extras from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Gah.)

Anyway, at the end of the meal the waitress brought us fortune cookies, and we went through exactly the same thing that always happens when Terry and I are given fortune cookies. Here is Terry’s fortune:


OMG! He will soon meet someone special! Who will obviously not be me, on account of his having already met me, and my being “spechul”, not “special”. Eeek! When will this meeting-of-the-special-person occur, I wonder? Should I stop him going to the gym? Should I perhaps try and stop him from going out at all, or is this meeting inevitable, and I am actually just The First Wife? OMG!

Here is my fortune:


So, basically my husband is about to meet Someone Special, and I, meanwhile, need advice from a cookie on how to “look and feel younger”. Great.

Seriously, this is the same kind of crap we always get from fortune cookies. One time I swear to God Terry’s said something like, “You should totally rule the world, dude, because you are amazing!” and mine said “You suck, by the way”. Another time – and I am honestly not joking here – my fortune cookie said that I would face terrible hardship in life, but would survive it if I was lucky. Because that’s totally the note you want to end your fun meal out on, isn’t it? GOD. Who thinks this stuff up? (And that night, Terry’s cookie said something about puppies and kittens and him one day ruling the world.)

Anyway, thankfully my parents will be boarding their flight home any minute now, so our Saturday nights will be back to normal next weekend. And I, meanwhile, will be ever-vigilant and always on the lookout for Someone Special. That bitch.

Liked this post?? Take a second to support Amber on Patreon!
  • To make matters more interesting, you can always add the words "in bed" to the end of a fortune cookie message, and it often reverses the bad and good fortunes. For example, yours suggests you start smiling more in bed. That can't be good for Terry! And he will meet someone special in bed. That'll be you!

    September 7, 2008
  • Maybe it means special in the Special Olympics sense.

    September 7, 2008
  • J.


    Amber, I'm always overdressed too! (Ok, so it's not that hard to look more overdressed than your 15/16-year-old peers, but still…) 🙂

    September 7, 2008
  • You'd better hope that your parents don't ever decide to cook you chinese food and purchase fortune cookies for your Saturday night dinner. 😉

    September 7, 2008
  • I think that perhaps, you should consider not eating the fortune cookies. I'm just sayin'…

    September 7, 2008
  • Maybe, just as Terry cracks open his fortune (but before he reads it), you shout "opposites day!" and you get his fortune, and he gets yours! Trick the cookies!

    I actually spent about ten minutes figuring out how you might swap cookies with Terry without letting the cookies know what you were doing, so that they couldn't trickily give you the good fortune for once, knowing you'd swap with Terry.

    Yes, I'm weird. It's what makes me speshul.


    September 8, 2008
  • We were at a Japanese on Sat night and the fortune cookies were very strange! Mine was : Drivers of cars are pedestrians seeking revenge! And my bfs was: Life is a long walk to our grave!

    Happy note to end a nice meal!

    September 8, 2008
  • Steph


    Amanda, I don't suppose you've seen this by any chance? 🙂

    Amber, I also seem to be overdressed everywhere I go. I don't see why people don't make the effort, especially when they're going out.

    I always have similar bad luck with Magic 8 Balls, but I suppose they aren't so *specifically* negative 😛

    September 8, 2008
  • Haha, that's hilarious, thanks Steph!

    September 8, 2008
  • OMG. I am so excited that you pointed out the lack of effort I see so often as well. Jeans and t-shirts are appropriate in my view in many places BUT NOT JUST ANY will do. And also a skirt or dress makes an evening that much more… Awesome. Thanks for pointing this out.

    September 9, 2008
  • Your cookie basically told you were grumpy and old looking. WTF?

    September 11, 2008