It’s a far braver thing I do today than I’ve ever done before.
Yes, I’m letting my husband do my makeup. And then posting the photos on the internet. Because THAT’S not a recipe for disaster, is it?
So, a couple of weeks ago, I let Terry choose my outfit, and he didn’t do too bad a job of it, give or take a hat or two. In fact, a few of you said you’d quite like to see Terry take on another challenge, and the success kinda went to his head, to be honest, so when I suggested he have a go at doing my makeup, he was all for it.
“I’m a creative person,” said Terry confidently. “I bet I’ll be good at it. In fact, I wouldn’t want to be you, because everyone will think my makeup skills are better than yours, and they’ll say I should do your makeup ALL the time!”
Just for the record, here’s what my makeup normally looks like: and yes, I AM mostly just showing you this so there’s at least ONE semi-decent photo of me in this post: [/FORESHADOWING]
(Um, not to be a pain about this, but if you could please just take a good, long look at this photo, and, whatever happens next, remember that this is what I REALLY look like, that would be great…)
Despite his confidence, Terry knew the outfit he’d put together was going to be a hard act to follow, so, just to make sure he did his best work, he decided to watch some You Tube makeup tutorials first.
“Did you know there’s a thing called countouring?” he said importantly, coming into the office one day. “And that it makes you look like a clown?”
“Er, I DO know about countouring,” I said, “And it’s NOT actually supposed to make you look like a clown, no. You’ve not been on Kylie Jenner’s channel, have you? Am I going to have lips the size of Texas by the end of this?”
“Absolutely not,” said Terry, looking offended. “Do you have any gold lipstick, though? And some really bright eyeshadows – like, the craziest colours you can get?”
Funnily enough, I DIDN’T have any gold lipstick. Or, indeed, any bright eyeshadows: in fact, when I got my new dressing table, earlier this year, I had a big clear-out and got rid of everything I wasn’t using, so now I basically have 15,000 red lipsticks, a small collection of tastefully neutral eyeshadows, and… that’s it, really. And this, my friends, is why I’m not a beauty blogger.
(Guess which colours I use most often?)
“It’s time to break you out of your makeup style rut, and try something different for a change,” said Terry, and you know what? I started thinking maybe he was right. Maybe this little experiment would help me shake things up a little, and discover a whole new look. Maybe we would discover a secret, hidden talent for makeup, lurking in Terry’s fingertips! Or maybe I really would end up looking like the bizarre lovechild of Kylie Jenner and a scary clown? There was only one way to find out: first, though, Terry was going to have to borrow some makeup from my mum, who turned out to have a surprisingly large stash of eyeshadow and lip palettes.
“Are you not embarrassed that your mum has a better makeup collection than you?” asked Terry, rummaging through the stash in the hope of finding that elusive gold lipstick. And honestly, I was a bit: because my mum doesn’t even WEAR makeup. So I quickly scrawled “Buy more makeup,” on the bottom of my ‘To Do’ list, before joining Terry at the dressing table, where he was waiting for me with… wait: was that DUCT TAPE in his hand? Was he planning to do my makeup… or kidnap me?
“It’s OK,” said Terry, noting my confusion. “They do this on You Tube all the time. It’ll be fine!”
Then he stuck a piece of yellow tape under each eye, until my face looked like a crime scene:
“It’s to make sure you get the eyeliner in a straight line,” explained beauty guru Terry, before getting right to work with a LOT of eyeliner. (I did my foundation and concealer myself, by the way: Terry said that he “couldn’t be bothered with it” because it “didn’t require his artist’s touch”. Which just goes to show what HE knows, right?)
Ten minutes later, he was STILL working on that eyeliner.
“Now you know why you should never ask a woman with winged eyeliner why she’s late!” I quipped, hilariously. “Seriously, though: I’d have done my whole face by now – just sayin’.”
“Yeah, but you wouldn’t have done nearly as good a job,” retorted Terry, before turning his attention to the bit he’d been most looking forward to: contouring.
“Which brush should I use for this?” he asked. It felt a bit like cheating (Mind you, I’d also done my own mascara by that point: no way was I letting him poke a stick into my eye…), but I handed him the contour brush, only to have him reject it in favour of the smallest brush in my collection.
“That’s an eyeshadow brush,” I pointed out, before I could stop myself.
“This is very fine work I’m doing,” said Terry, offended. “It requires precision and attention to detail!”
It also apparently required a whole lot more time. I think I possibly feel asleep for a few minutes, but he woke me up to start with the whole “gold lipstick” thing again. Seriously, WHAT IS IT WITH THE GOLD LIPSTICK?! Does ANYONE wear gold lipstick? Anyone OTHER than Lady Gaga, and other people who are considerably funkier than me, I mean? Because I have never owned a gold lipstick in my life, and I don’t think Terry will EVER get over it.
In the absence of the gold lipstick of his dreams, Terry was forced to content himself with MAC’s ‘Russian Red’, which gave me a brief moment of hope, until I remembered how much time he’d spent on eyeliner, and how empty the tube had looked when he was done with it. The lipstick, it turned out, was particularly problematic…
“It’s like, one side of your mouth is totally different from the other?” he said, in exasperation, confirming what I’ve been saying about my lips for years now. “And there’s no line, so you don’t know where to put the stuff? I feel like your mouth is just getting bigger and bigger, and OMG, where will it stop?!”
He tried his best, poor soul, but finally my wonky mouth defeated him, and he put the brush down. “It’s hard to be a woman,” he declared mournfully. “I’m glad I don’t have to wear makeup every day.”
“I’m glad I don’t have to go out in public bare-faced every day,” I told him. “Don’t disrespect the makeup!”
Finally, he declared himself done. And because I know you all just skipped the text and scrolled down to see the final result, here it is…
Are you ready? Because I sure wasn’t…
TA DA! And also: OMG!
Er, at least the eyeliner is pretty straight? No?
Here are some better photos. And by “better”, I mean “worse”:
To be fair, I actually think he did a pretty good job with the eyeshadow. Maybe not so much with the countour, which ended up in a giant stripe on the side of my face, but then again, “That’s what Kim Kardashian’s looks like,” pointed out Terry, and, well, you can’t really argue with that. The lipstick, meanwhile, was just a straight-up disaster, but at least this experience confirmed that I’m not exaggerating when I tell people I don’t have a lip line, and that it’s almost impossible to apply lipstick to my lips without making a mess. That’s my excuse, anyway, and I’m sticking to it.
(Terry’s asked me to point out that he was NOT happy with his work on the lips, but he was getting bored by that point, so he decided just to go with it, because YOLO. Or something.)
For me, the most interesting thing was the difference in our approaches to makeup. I wrote about it at great length here, but I basically use makeup to try to “fix” the things I’m not happy with: so to cover the shadows under my eyes, to fill in the bald spots in my eyebrows, to even out my skintone, and to try to balance out my wonky lips. Terry, though? Terry just had fun. He didn’t bother with any of that stuff: I, for instance, spend a lot of time on my eyebrows – Terry just left them alone, and went straight to the eyeliner and shadow – oh yeah, and the contour. I’m not saying I’d actually go out like this, obviously, but it WAS his first ever attempt at using makeup, and what he lacked in skill, he made up for in enthusiasm – which kinda made me want to start experimenting a bit more, actually.
Just… NOT with gold lipstick, obviously…
[Thanks again to Terry to agreeing to take part in this, and for even going so far as to watch some tutorials in an attempt to learn the “craft”. You rock, Terry – just don’t try to put lipstick on me ever again!]