I‘ve already talked – er, at great length, actually – about how, once you have a baby, everyone starts calling you “mummy” regardless of whether or not you gave birth to them. (And why no, I’m NOT over it yet, why do you ask?)
That’s not the only adjustment you have to make as a new parent, though: here are 15 other random things that happen in those precious first weeks…
Your phone battery dies by midday…
… because you’ve been up since 3am, and you have to do something to keep yourself awake, right?
Your body rocks constantly, even when you’re not holding the baby
You can spot a new parent by the constant swaying motion as they stand talking to someone, or sit on the couch. Last week I caught myself gently rocking my salad, as if trying to send it off to sleep: I really wish I was joking about this…
You want to high-five the parents of the other small babies you see being wheeled around the supermarket, but settle for a sympathetic smile instead.
Because they too know what 3am feels like when you’re desperately trying to soothe a screaming baby, and everyone else in the world is fast asleep, the absolute GITS.
(I literally almost hugged a random woman in the supermarket this week, just because she, too, was wheeling a tiny baby around in car seat/pram. AWKWARD.)
You become totally adept at doing everything with just one hand.
I typed this post one-handed. On my phone. Feeling pretty damn accomplished right now, not gonna lie.
You start to reevaluate what “clean enough” really means to you
Like, this sweater I’m wearing has a patch of spit-up on the shoulder, but it’s only a SMALL patch, and the sweater’s roughly the same shade as the spit-up, so we’re cool, right? RIGHT?
Maternity leggings start to seem like a totally legitimate wardrobe choice – even when then baby’s 2 months old.
And even if they weren’t…
When you go into a clothes store or website, you go straight to the kid’s section, rather than the ladies
Well, there’s no point buying new clothes for yourself when you still look 3 months pregnant, and baby clothes are just SO CUTE, right?
And catch yourself staring creepily at other people’s kids
I’m not planning to snatch him, I swear, I was just wondering where your baby got his little bear hat? Like, is that the Mothercare one, or the H&M kids version?
A quick trip to a coffee shop now counts as a “day out”.
Sainsbury’s cafe has never sounded so good…
You consider opening a local chapter of Jellycats Anonymous.
I can stop buying Jellycats anytime I want. No, really, I can. Well, OK, maybe just one more. For the BABY, you understand. THEY’RE FOR THE BABY.
6am now seems like a pretty reasonable time to be getting up, tbh.
Before the baby arrived, I didn’t even know there WAS a 6 o’clock in the am, seriously, GET OUT?! These days, if I’m getting up at 6am, I feel like I’m THE QUEEN or something. Honestly, even 5am sounds pretty damn sweet to me right now…
You start smashing your step target without even trying…
… purely by pacing around rocking the baby and ferrying him back and forth to the changing table in the nursery. Yesterday I decided to get my Fitbit out of retirement, and I logged 11,000 steps and only 5 hours sleep – almost all of it “restless”. On the subject of sleep, meanwhile…
You have a whole new appreciation for it
I mean, I might not be getting much of it, but the sleep I DO get now is UH-MAZING, seriously. No more lying awake worrying about some random comment I made in 1998 and have never really gotten over (Please tell me I’m not the only one who’s still haunted by the stupid things they did /said in their youth? No?), these days I’m straight off to sleep the second my eyes close, and that sleep is DEE-LICIOUS. Oh yes.
You become an overnight expert on poop
You could go on Mastermind with ‘Poop and it’s many colours” as your specialist subject. You would probably win.
When the baby isn’t with you, you look at photos of him instead.
Sometimes when I leave Max with Terry so I can go to bed early, I just lie awake watching videos of him on my phone. (Videos of Max, I mean, not Terry. Sorry, Terry.) There’s a video of him laughing (It’s in my Instagram highlights, actually, filed under ‘Max’) that I must have watched at least 200 times now – about five of them while I was writing this post. It. Never. Gets. Old.