The Secret Lives of Retro Style Dresses

Hey, remember that time I pretended retro style dresses were people? And then did it again a few weeks later?

God, that was weird, wasn’t it? I mean, what was I thinking? Definitely won’t be doing that again: nope, this post will be just a regular ol’ wishlist post, where I gush over things I like, until you want to slap me. Which is a shame, really, because that means you’ll never know the story of Whitney…

You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but back in the 80s, Whitney was a full-time groupie. She had really big hair, and she followed rock bands all over the world, always in the front row, always managing to get her hands on a backstage pass. One day she got lucky and managed to snag herself a drummer: now she lives in a mansion in Surrey, and is chairwoman of the local PTA. And no one even suspects she was once queen of the tour bus: well, no one but YOU, obviously. You and Ophelia:

Ophelia is Whitney’s personal assistant (and yeah, she gets really sick of people asking her about Hamlet all the time, so don’t do that…), and sometimes when Whitney’s passed out cold after another night of hard partying (well, old habits die hard, don’t they? Don’t tell the good people of the PTA…), Ophelia borrows her clothes and jewellery and goes out on the town. Sometimes she even borrows Whitney’s husband, too, and the next time Whitney goes to that special clinic in Sweden for a “rest”, she’s going to come home and find there’s a NEW lady of the manor – you mark my words.

This is Matilda. She’s Ophelia’s sister, and she’s been trying forever to get Ophelia to end things with the stolen drummer. She thinks it’s immoral – which is rich coming from her, because when she was a teenager, she used to try to steal ALL of Ophelia’s boyfriends, and one time she filled Ophelia’s shampoo bottle with Veet hair removal cream, because she was jealous that Ophelia was going out with Jeff from down the road, who Matilda secretly liked. So SHE’S a fine one to talk. These days she’s a reformed character and fitness fanatic, who cycles 10 miles to work every day. People call her “The Crazy Bike Lady”. She doesn’t know.

This is Marina. Marina’s life isn’t nearly as exciting as Ophelia’s – or even Matida’s, bless her. No, Marina is just a regular gal: she gets up, she goes to work, she comes home – that’s it. Twice a year, though, Marina goes on an 18-30 holiday to Spain (She’s 32: don’t tell!), and that’s when her REAL self comes out to play. There are bars in the Costa Brava that she’s not even allowed into any more, seriously. And somewhere in Croydon, there’s a man called Clive, with a broken heart that will never mend, because he met Marina one night in a club in Benidorn and didn’t get her number. The next day she was gone, just like Cinderella. Clive’s going to put an advert in the Evening Standard, though, and see if he can track her down – his one true love. Maybe Marina’s life is about to get a little bit more exciting after all?

But that, my friends, is another story for another day. Or, you know: never.