I’m not going to lie, things are pretty tough right now, but we’re taking it day by day, and drawing a lot of strength from Terry’s mum, who is being absolutely amazing. I mean, she went to Bingo last night: literally nothing stops this woman, so cancer, I hope you get the message, OK? (Also, *&^* you, seriously.)
As I said in yesterday’s post, I’ve written quite a few posts over the past few weeks which I’ll be publishing soon (Don’t worry, they won’t ALL be about vomit*), but before I do, I just wanted to talk a bit about the ol’ blog, and how it’s likely to be affected by all of this – it IS my first baby, after all, and I wouldn’t want it to feel jealous, or left out, or whatever, would I?
I kind of hesitate to mention this at all, because I know you guys are all awesome, and will just tell me I should write whatever I want, but the fact is, I’ve been in the blogging game for long enough now to know that blogger pregnancies aren’t always greeted with universal joy: in fact, I’ve lost count of the number of comments I’ve read from people (Not directed at me personally, I hasten to add!) saying they immediately unsubscribe the second a blogger they follow gets pregnant, because they know it’s just going to turn into a “mom blog” after that – and that’s obviously fair enough. I mean, I’m secretly hoping you’ll all want to stick around regardless, but I’m not stupid, and although I’ve had tons of lovely comments over the past couple of days, I’ve also had quite a few people unsubscribing from my email list, so I felt I owed it to you to be upfront, and say two main things:
I have no intention of turning this site into a mom blog, and starting to write exclusively about potty training, or breast pads, or whatever the hell kind of things mommy bloggers write about.
I probably will be writing quite a lot about this pregnancy: especially over the next couple of weeks, because I’ve been keeping this secret for an entire two months now, it’s the biggest thing that’s ever happened to me, and I am just BURSTING to be able to write about it. BURSTING. I apologise in advance.
In my defence, although my blog is often described as a fashion blog, to me it’s always been a personal journal, and, as such, has reflected whatever’s going on in my life, or catches my interest at the time. Fashion has played a big part in that (And still will – well, on the days I feel capable of actually getting dressed, that is…) because it’s something I’ve always been interested in, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. Right now, though, this pregnancy is pretty all-consuming for me: I know it sounds trite to say it, and I’ve never been one to gush over the “miracle” of birth (In fact, I’ve always been one of those assholes who always points out that it’s a “miracle” that happens to thousands and thousands of people, every single day…) but after everything we went through last year, it really does feel pretty miraculous to me (Yes, I gagged a bit as I typed that. I also gagged when I tasted nuts in my cereal this morning, though, so take that how you will…), and it’s been more or less all I’ve been able to think about for the last few weeks.
So, obviously I want to be able to write about this, as it’s such an important part of the story of my life this blog has always been, but the thing is, I want to be able to write about it honestly… which I think is somewhat frowned upon by some people. This doesn’t apply to everyone, obviously, but I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on pregnant women to only ever talk about the positives, in order to avoid upsetting those who are struggling with loss or infertility. Now, I get that too, I really do: and, having been one of those women myself, going through miscarriage/ectopic pregnancy, and being constantly confronted with pregnancy announcements and baby photos, I know just how hard it can be. I really, really want to be sensitive to people who are struggling right now, and the last thing I want would be for this blog to upset anyone, or trigger them in some way – again, I know how that feels, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
With that said, though, I also don’t think it’s particularly helpful to anyone to pretend that pregnancy isn’t sometimes hard: because it IS. In my case, along with the physical challenges it’s created (I’m feeling a little better now, but there have been days when I was so sick I literally couldn’t get out of bed…), I’m also dealing with some very severe health anxiety, plus a phobia of hospitals, and of general anaesthetics in particular. Pregnancy, for me, has meant having to face some of my biggest fears, on a near-daily basis (Er, not the general anaesthetic, obviously: I haven’t been having to have surgery every day – or, you know, AT ALL – but the thought that I MIGHT have to face that too at some point has been a daily source of anxiety to me…), and that’s been tough. Like, really, really, tough.
As I said, I want to be able to write about all of this: not just because it’s an important part of my story, but because I also think it’s something that some women might be able to relate to, and I don’t think it helps women who are struggling to just shut them down, or tell them their feelings are unusual, or invalid. More than anything, I think it’s important to understand that, just because some people find pregnancy scary, or challenging, it doesn’t mean they’re not grateful to be able to do it, or that their babies are any less wanted. After everything I’ve been through, I feel incredibly lucky to be in this position right now, and I don’t take any of it for granted – not for a second. It’s possible to be grateful for your pregnancy, though, but to also really hate the morning sickness (I mean, no one actually LIKES throwing up, do they?), or feel anxious about childbirth or whatever. I think that’s only human, and while I want to be as sensitive as possible to anyone reading this who’s dealing with loss or infertility, I also want to be able to be honest – hence this post.
Now, obviously I get that all of this will be really, really off-putting to some of you, so if this is where you get off, that’s cool – I totally get it, and I want to thank you for sticking with me this long anyway – that’s quite the achievement, seriously. For those of you who do choose to stick around, meanwhile, I want to thank you too, obviously, and to say that while things might be just a little bit pregnancy-centric over the next couple of weeks or so, while I publish the backlog of posts I’ve been typing from my sickbed, it won’t be forever, and, now that the first-trimester fog has (hopefully) started to lift, I’m hoping to be able to get back to my more usual content, too. I’m also in the process of trying to work out how to change my mailing list so people can choose which categories to subscribe to (and which to avoid ever seeing, obviously), so, yeah, bear with me, and hopefully things will go back to something like normality, sometime soon.
Or, at least, that’s the plan…
(*Quite a lot of it will be about vomit, though. Apologies in advance.)[Edited to add: Going by the first couple of comments on this, I’m a bit worried that it’s just coming across as me complaining about people unsubscribing, which isn’t the case at all – I totally understand why some people wouldn’t want to read pregnancy-related stuff, for a whole host of reasons, and I’m not remotely offended by the choice to unsubscribe: it’s something I was fully expecting to happen as soon as I made the announcement, and I don’t take it at all personally. I think it’s inevitable that blog readers will come and go as either they or the blog they’re following changes, and that’s totally understandable – I really just wrote this post to give people a heads-up as to what they can expect for the next few weeks/months, so that anyone who might find it triggering (or just plain boring!) doesn’t have to be upset by it!]