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Towel Wars

Posted on 22 Comments 3 min read

Terry and I argue about towels.

Don’t mock: it’s a serious issue, towel-management. Marriages have ended over less. Our specific towel-related issue (like most of our domestic issues, come to think of it) revolves around the fact that I like things neat and Terry… not so much. I mean, it’s not that he doesn’t like things neat, I hasten to add. It’s more that it doesn’t really bother him whether they are or not: he just doesn’t see mess, whereas I see mess everywhere. Even in places that aren’t actually messy.

So, I like things neat, and, in towel terms, this means that if towels are folded, they should be folded in neat squares/rectangles (or occasionally rolled, and then carefully arranged in attractive piles), as opposed to, say, rumpled up any old how. If towels are to be stacked, meanwhile, they should be stacked in a strict order, with the largest towel at the bottom of the pile, and the smallest one at the top. So you wouldn’t, say, put a hand towel on the bottom of the pile, and then place a bath sheet on top of it, because THAT WOULD BE STUPID, SERIOUSLY, WHO DOES THAT?

Er, Terry does that. He did it on Wednesday morning, after his shower, and that was the moment the Towel Wars reached their zenith.

The thing is, I try not to be the nagging the wife, I really do. I know he doesn’t do it deliberately, and it’s been pointed out to me (by Terry) (Who is wrong, by the way, but anyway…) that I am not without blame when it comes to neatness, and that although I like to think I’m super-tidy, there are definitely times when I’ll slip up, and Terry will discover my shoes in the hallway, or a collection of beauty products littering the bathroom, or whatever. ( I have never stacked towels in the wrong order, though. Because that’s just not right.)

Anyway, as I was saying, the discovery of big-towel-over-little-towel was the final straw in the Towel Wars, and I could’t help but raise my grievance with Terry, who glared at me mutinously as I ran through a short lesson on towel etiquette. He declined to stick around for the towel-folding demonstration I had planned (HIS LOSS), so I assumed that would have to wait for another day. I was playing a long game here, though: I could wait.

I didn’t have to, though. That night, I headed up to bed first, and when I opened the door, this was the sight that greeted me:

towel swan

That, my friends, is a towel swan. Which Terry smugly re-folded a few more times, just to prove it hadn’t been a fluke.

“That showed YOU!” his attitude seemed to say, as he completed his swan, and propped it up next to the bed, where it would scare the life out of me later, on a moonlit trip to the bathroom. I figured that was the end of this particular round of Towel Wars, but it turned out Terry wasn’t done with me – or, indeed, our towels – yet. The next morning, I walked into the bedroom, and found myself faced with THIS:

towel crab

It’s a crab. Made from a towel. Now, if you know me, you know I’m absolutely TERRIFIED of crabs (If you don’t know me, this post will give you some background…), so obviously Terry had stepped things up a notch. Luckily for him, not even I’m frightened of a towel (in fact, it’s actually pretty cute, no?), so this was one crab that didn’t give me nightmares. Thankfully.

Terry had saved the best for last, though, because not long after I’d unfolded the crab and, well, used him to dry my hair, I walked in on this little tableau:

towel elephant

(Eyes courtesy of Photoshop: well, I couldn’t leave the poor thing without any eyes, could I?)

If you’ve been reading this blog for a very, very long time, you might recognise the orange dude as my faithful companion, and occasional hell-raiser, Ted. Everyone say hi, Ted! If you’re a new reader, meanwhile, your attention probably went straight to the towel elephant he’s riding. Towel. Elephant. An elephant. Made of towels.

Well played, Terry: well played.

Next week, I think we’ll move onto Advanced Cushion Management…

What do you think?

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  • Fran
    February 28, 2015

    Haha! That is one creative fight. 😛

    I totally understand you though. My bf just cannot see the annoying little messes of everyday, and for the life of me I cannot get him to put his shoes in the shoe hamper and the shoe hamper under the bookcase. Which is the only place it can go, in our tiny flat, where I won’t trip over his gigantic shoes for his humongous feet. :p But we do love them really 😉

  • Mariana
    February 28, 2015

    This is one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.

    But seriously, why do they do that? If they don’t care either way, isn’t it easier to just fold the laundry properly and never hear about it again? There’s bound to be an incident once in a blue moon, but that much can be forgiven.

  • Leah
    February 28, 2015

    I have to go read the rest of the post but… I am totally reading ‘I see mess’ in the tones of ‘I see dead people’…

    • Amber
      February 28, 2015

      Haha, I’m totally going to start saying it like that now

  • Caitlin
    February 28, 2015

    This. Is. Hilarious – and a very adorable battle. It’s nice that you’ve made a trivial argument into a little game, but I also have the same problem – why are towels so difficult to put away for some people!

  • Amanda-Jaied
    February 28, 2015

    Firstly, thanks for making me laugh snort on a train full of people! That wasn’t embarrassing at all ;-).
    Secondly, why don’t men understand the towel thing? I like to think it’s a chip missing from their brain, because there can’t be any other excuse…big towel bottom, little towel top, I think I was born knowing this. Ppfflltt silly men.

    Also I love your blog, just FYI.

    Much Love AJ xx

  • LydiaGrace
    February 28, 2015

    I once texted my boyfriend complaining about my horrible day at uni, and came home to find a towel orangutan swinging from my bookshelf! Is this what men learn while girls are ushered into another room during sex education in primary school?

    • Amber
      February 28, 2015

      It must be! If only they’d teach them to fold the damn things in a square!

  • Stephen
    February 28, 2015

    Heh. I remember Ted well. Towel elephant is genius!

  • CiCi Marie
    February 28, 2015

    I think Terry might have won this one… he made animals out of towels. Animals. Out of towels. What I’m enjoying is the thought of the hours he must have spent watching YouTube tutorials in the name of oneupmanship. The good thing is, he’s now completely trained for his new career on a cruise ship.

  • Myra
    February 28, 2015

    Well played Terry, this made me snort laugh in the Imperial War Museum (waiting for the others, as I am incapacitated by back pain). One thing the male member of my family does is leave cupboard doors open – why? And then to put lids on top of jars without screwing them on, so when I reach for them the lid comes off in my hand, and the jar crashes to the floor. Or how about putting empty milk bottles back in the fridge? Or tucking black socks into the sleeves of white shirts that then go into the washing machine with the whites. Is there any logic to this? Lol

    • Emma
      March 4, 2015

      Argh mine leaves cupboard doors open too – admittedly I do have a slightly unhealthy obsession with never having more than one cupboard open at once (caused by that scene in The Sixth Sense!) but the bottom corner of our kitchen cabinets is at exactly my eye height, so there I’ll be, happily pottering around in the kitchen, turn around, and bang – nearly blinded. It’s a dangerous place, my kitchen 😉

  • Sarah Rooftops
    February 28, 2015

    I love this! I considered showing the post to Steve and then realised that I don’t want to give him any mutinous ideas…

  • Suze
    February 28, 2015

    Haha! Brilliant! How fitting it is that ‘your’ Terry has such amazing skills in the art of folding terry towelling fabric. I must admit that on first glance I thought the crab was supposed to be some kind of cute kawaii croissant but to be honest that says more about me and my unhealthy love of pastries than it does about the quality of Terry’s towel origami workmanship!

    Towels are a contentious issue in our home too – towels of the soggy and limp variety which are left lying all around the house (everywhere except the bathroom that is), just dumped in a wet heap making everything else damp whilst waiting for the towel fairy to rescue them and return them to their rightful place on the bathroom towel rail. What is it with men and towels?! First world problems and all that but towel etiquette is clearly an overlooked issue of huge importance. I feel your pain 🙂

    • Irene
      February 28, 2015

      I thought it was a cute croissant as well, haha! Hilarious!

    • Moni
      March 1, 2015

      To me the crab was a frog – but it’s cute anyway. 🙂

      And I, too, have a boyfriend who doesn’t see the necessity of properly hanging towels when they are wet.
      Meanwhile he has learned to hang them over the rail, but folded in the middle, so they need longer to dry. But I’m not giving up hope yet…

      • Suze
        March 1, 2015

        Haha! Out of interest I asked my other half what he thought the crab was and he said “uhhhmmm…..a baby? With chubby legs?!” Not sure about that but I can sort of see why you’d think it was a frog. It’s funny how we see things differently. I can totally see Terry’s towel creations going viral. Soooo much more fun that THAT dress! 🙂

  • Aunt fiona
    February 28, 2015

    That’s funny.

  • Amber Desadier
    February 28, 2015

    Now, see I have different shelves for each type of towel/washcloth. Big ones get two shelves.

  • Ghalia
    March 2, 2015

    Hahahaha, fantastic xD

  • Sophikita
    March 2, 2015

    I love how your friends and family mess with you. In our house I’m sure Towel War would escalate to stomping and sulking. Off to look at you tube towel animals…

  • Emma Everleigh
    March 11, 2015

    Haha, I am the same with towels! Even when they are hanging on the towel ring in the bathroom, they have to be placed there a certain way. Towel pride has just gone up a notch as well, as I recently purchased some lovely new towels from BHS! Oh, and if you leave the bathmat out of place… don’t even go there! xxx

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Towel Wars