Girl Meets Body Lotion

 A few weeks ago, I decided that it wasn’t enough for me to have to buy an ever-increasing amount of products to keep the skin on my face looking its best, and that I should also start obsessing over the skin on my body. Because, let’s face it, age isn’t kind to ANY part of us, is it?  And there comes a point when that cheap bottle of body lotion just doesn’t cut it any more… which is why I decided to try Beauty Pie Superdose Vitamin C Body Lotion instead. (Or Superdose™ Vitamin C Bio-Vitamin Brightening & Firming Body Lotion, to give it it’s full title). (TRY IT HERE) Here’s an a completely imaginary conversation I had with it while I was trying it out…

Beauty Pie Superdose Vitamin C Body Lotion: A Review of Sorts

SUPERDOSE: Want firmer, fresher, tighter, brighter-looking skin all over your body?

AMBER: <excited> DO I EVER!

SUPERDOSE: ‎You’ll love this.

AMBER: I ALREADY DO! But, I mean, what is it, exactly?

SUPERDOSE: It’s a high-tech, radiance-boosting, moisturizing body lotion, loaded with Tranexamic Acid, Hyaluronic Acid, firming Brown Algae and stable vitamin C.

AMBER:   …

SUPERDOSE: It gives sun-damaged skin a super-boost!

AMBER: Um, I mean, my skin isn’t sun-damaged, exactly, just… old. And kind of crepey in parts that it was never crepey in before. Wait, did you say ‘brown algae’? Because I’m picturing the inside of my dad’s fish tank when it was in need of a clean, now, and I…

SUPERDOSE: <hisses> Look, it’s a body lotion, OK? It’s obviously not going to look like algae. Could you just concentrate on the important stuff, here?

AMBER: OK, OK, no need to get your cap in a twist. Here, let’s show everyone a photo of you:

SUPERDOSE: Seriously? That’s the best you could come up with? You can hardly even see me here!

AMBER: Sure you can. Look, that’s you coyly peeping out from between YouthBomb and UberYouth!

SUPERDOSE: <grumbles> YouthBomb hates me. Look at him crawling all over me, trying to steal the show, as usual. I bet he gave you a rash? Did he give you a rash? Say he gave you a rash.

AMBER: Er, he did give me a rash, actually. But, look, forget YouthBomb. This is about you!

SUPERDOSE: <miffed> Well, you wouldn’t know it from that poor excuse for a photo. Was it itchy? Was it an itchy rash?

AMBER: Can we dial down the focus on the rash? Anyway, I think you look cute.

SUPERDOSE: You didn’t even get my good side.

AMBER: It’s what’s inside that counts. Literally in your case.

SUPERDOSE: If you thought that, you wouldn’t have bought me, would you?

AMBER: Why are you like this?

SUPERDOSE: I’ve got astringent properties.

AMBER: You don’t say.

SUPERDOSE: But! But! I work by creating a moisture reservoir that lasts for 72 hours post-application!

AMBER: <warily> Go on.

SUPERDOSE: I’m also a powerful humectant that attracts up to 1000x its weight in water and helps to preserve the most important characteristics of youthful, healthy looking skin: suppleness, elasticity and tone!

AMBER: <excited again> Sold! What’s a ‘humectant’?

SUPERDOSE: <relieved> Doesn’t matter. Let’s get me ON you.

ME: OK, but, how do I use you? Sorry, that sounded bad, didn’t it? Please don’t get mad again.

SUPERDOSE: Use daily for the fastest brightening, firming and rejuvenating effects, or use 2-3 times weekly to help prevent signs of aging.

ME: I’m totally using you daily, then, because why wouldn’t I want the fastest possible effects? Are there seriously people who’re like, “Yeah, I want to get amazing skin, but slowly?”

SUPERDOSE: I mean, I’m £55 to non-members. Maybe they want to make me last longer?

ME: Yeah. That is quite a lot for a body lotion, tbf. But then, if someone can afford to pay £55 for a body lotion, wouldn’t they also be able to afford to replace it when it runs out?

SUPERDOSE: Just £15 for you, though, Amber.

AMBER: <shyly> Because I’m special?

SUPERDOSE: Because you’re a Beauty Pie member, stupid.

AMBER: Oh.

SUPERDOSE: Get me on you.

AMBER: Easy, tiger.

SUPERDOSE: <impatient> Come on, pop that cap and smear me all over your body. That’s why we’re here, isn’t it?

AMBER: I… I guess. Maybe I’ll just start with the legs, though? Because I don’t like to bring this up again, but I have YouthBomb and UberYouth to try out too, so…

SUPERDOSE: <through gritted teeth> FINE. Just the legs, then.

AMBER: <takes the bottle and starts applying it to her legs.>

AMBER: I must say, for someone who can attract up to 1000x your weight in water, you’re really quite thin, aren’t you?

SUPERDOSE: And easily absorbed.

AMBER: And … yes, you are, actually. Which is great, because it means I can put my leggings right on top of you.

SUPERDOSE: I wish you wouldn’t.

AMBER: I’m gonna.

SUPERDOSE: But what do you THINK of me?

AMBER: You smell nice.

SUPERDOSE? <coyly> Really? Ya think? One reviewer said I had a slight orangey scent?

AMBER: Yeah, I’m getting citrus. Also, my legs feel really smooth now. Are you working already?

SUPERDOSE: <smug> I’m always working.

AMBER: That’s amazing! My legs feel silky smooth! After just one application! I wonder what they’ll be like in a week!

SUPERDOSE: Will we flash-forward and find out?

AMBER: Why not?

ONE WEEK LATER

AMBER: Well, I hate to admit it, but you were right. You have completely changed my —

SUPERDOSE: <eagerly> Your life?

AMBER: I was going to say my legs. My life’s just as crappy as ever, really. But my legs! My legs are smooth and silky, even on the days I forget to use you!

SUPERDOSE: Would you say I’m the best you’ve ever had?

AMBER: I… might not say it quite like that, but, off the top of my head, I can’t think of a body lotion I’ve liked more than you, no. 

SUPERDOSE: Say it then. 

AMBER: No, it sounds weird. 

SUPERDOSE: Say it. 

AMBER: OK, FINE. You’re the best I’ve ever had. 

SUPERDOSE: Could you say it in the style of the Drake song of the same name? 

AMBER: Absolutely not. 

SUPERDOSE: Worth a try…