My Quest to Become a Morning Person, and How It’s Slowly Killing Me

So, I need to find out how to become a “morning person”. How will I do this, do you think?

At the moment, you see, I’m definitely not a morning person. And it’s kind of irritating, to be honest, because I’m not so much a “night” person, either. What am I, then? Well, a LAZY PERSON basically. Man, I love my bed. I’d be in my bed all day if I could be. Oh no, wait – I already am, aren’t I? I FAIL.

I exaggerate, of course. Yeah, I know, it’s not like me, is it? I don’t lie in bed all morning just most of it , but I do sleep later than most people, and up until now, I have been convincing myself that this was not only an acceptable thing to do, but was, in fact, the RIGHT thing to do. “I deserve it,” I told myself. “All those years of working seven days per week and getting up at 6.30am every day in life mean that I am OWED sleep. And this is why I work from home, after all: so that I don’t have to get up at the butt-crack of dawn every morning, and, instead, get to lie around like a giant sloth, getting up when I want, going to bed when I want, and just generally pleasing myself. It’s all about ME, baby! And also: am a rebel! A renegade! Am challenging the conventions of society with my giant sloth-like behavior! Or something.”

See, I’m starting to talk myself out of this whole “becoming a morning person” thing already. Gah.

Anyway, all of this came to a head on Monday morning, when I was forced out of bed at stupid o’clock to await the arrival of the plumber. And the weird thing was that once the initial shock of being awake in the Land of Seven O’Clock (a land I have not visited for quite some time) had passed, I really started to dig the whole thing. The work that I’d normally have still been doing in the evening? Finished by lunchtime. (In fairness, this was partly because I’d done some of it the night before. I mean, I don’t really lie in bed all day.) The rest of the day? Lay before me, an unblemished page, just waiting to be written on. Why, I could write a book with all those extra hours! I could train for a marathon! (Note: totally not going to do that.) I could SHOP! My whole life would be revolutionized by all of those lovely, lovely extra hours!

And so it was that I decided that, from that point on, I would be A Morning Person.

So I set the alarm for 7am and went to bed, dreaming all all of those extra hours I would soon be enjoying. Then I woke up when the alarm went off, thought, “Screw you, extra hours – you’re not that good” and went back to sleep.

The next day? The same thing. The day after that? Ditto. Today? Well, you get the picture.

I just can’t do it. I can’t seem to become A Morning Person, no matter how hard I try – and trust me, I have tried. I’ve even tried putting the alarm clock in another room, or hiding it last thing at night, but that doesn’t work either, because even although I’m not generally awake in the land of Early Morning, when the alarm goes off, I become possessed of an unearthly speed and dexterity which allows me to fly from the bed like lightning, switch off the alarm and be back under the covers before I’ve even fully opened my eyes. It’s a shame that’s not some kind of Olympic sport, actually, because I WOULD WIN. I’d try getting Terry to hide the alarm, but then he’d just have to lie there listening to it while I fumbled around in the dark for ages, and I don’t think he’d like that because he’s NOT trying to become A Morning Person, and he probably wouldn’t appreciate becoming one by proxy…

So, anyway, this is my dilemma. How shall it be solved, though? Well, at the moment I’m thinking it will be solved, like most things in life, by me buying stuff. Specifically, I’m thinking I should buy one of those alarm clocks that makes a cup of coffee for you. Because, I know my problem isn’t staying up – it’s just getting up. If I can actually persuade myself to haul ass out of the bed, I will be feeling fine by the time I hit the shower. It’s the “getting out of bed” bit I fail with, and this is the case no matter how early I go to bed or how well I sleep: I’m not actually tired, you see – just heart rotten lazy. So maybe if I buy an alarm-clock-that-also-makes-coffee I would wake to the smell of caffeine, and because I can’t resist the caffeine, I’d be motivated to get up and drink it? Or maybe I could just buy a new pair of shoes every day, but only at 7am?

Ideas? Suggestions?

Photo by Ethan Medrano on Unsplash