The one where I try to cut my own hair

As you go through life, you start to realise that there are some things only stupid people do. Pouring bleach in their coffee. Almost choking to death on their own dinner. Wearing crocs. To this short list, however, I would add one more item: trying to cut their own hair.

Now, I know not to cut my own hair, and specifically, not to cut my own fringe (or “bangs” if you’re in America). The reason I know this? Because I have done it before. Many, many times, in fact. And it has never, ever, worked out well. My hairdresser has told me not to do it. My friends have told me not to do it. I have told myself not to do it. So, what do you think I did today, folks?

I cut my own hair.

It was the work of moments. Do you ever get those days where you’ve been perfectly happy with your hair, and then suddenly you wake up one morning and you just can’t bear to have it on your head any more? I do. And today was one of those days. My frustration with my hair was largely focused on my long, sideways fringe. Up until yesterday, this fringe had done nothing to annoy me. This morning I woke up and it was totally in my eyes all the time. “What would be really stupid would be if I tried to cut my fringe myself!” I thought, heading for the bathroom. “But I’m not stupid enough to do that, nosiree! Why, small children aren’t stupid enough to do that. Even Britney Spears isn’t stupid enough to… oh no, wait…”

The next thing I knew, the scissors were in my hands and my fringe was on the floor. D’oh.

So, as you’re reading this I bet you’re probably thinking “How bad can it be? I bet it’s not that bad at all?” It is that bad, folks. I look like someone attacked my head with a lawnmower. Luckily for me, hairbands have been going through a bit of a resurgence recently. You know, those big, wide, Alice in Wonderland style bands? They are everywhere. I even own some myself. The problem with that, though? Those headbands look really stupid on me. Seriously, I look like an overgrown, Sloaney child right now. And this, my friends, is how I will look for the rest of the summer – or for a few weeks at least. Pity me. And also: let this be a lesson to you: never try to cut your hair yourself.