A Comprehensive List of All of the Things I Cannot or Will Not Wear These Days

So, the clothing rental subscription I mentioned a few months ago came to an end in December, and I decided not to renew it: partly because there wasn’t enough new stock being added every month to make it worth my while, but mostly because I just couldn’t justify the cost on an ongoing basis.

As you can imagine, this has left me back at square one in terms of my ongoing wardrobe crisis: a fact that became painfully apparent last weekend when I open my closet to find:

* Two pairs of jeans, both of which look horrific on me, but which I’ve kept because I have to wear something.

* A selection of summer dresses, which are, of course, completely useless in the Scottish midwinter. (No, I can’t just “bundle them up” with tights and layers – partly because I absolutely detest tights and layers, but also because “bundling up” just makes me look like a badly wrapped parcel…)

* One long-sleeved dress which I still won’t wear in winter, because of the “tights” issue.

* A few pairs of cropped trousers, which, ditto.

* A couple of summery skirts.

* Approximately 50,000 jumpers, none of which go with any of the trousers or jeans.

* A random selection of t-shirts, leggings, workout gear etc, none of which were suitable for leaving the house in the deep midwinter.

I ended up wearing a pair of the jeans, with a jumper that was too long to be tucked in, but which looked really sloppy untucked, so I compromised with a good ol’ French tuck, only to catch sight of myself in a mirror unexpectedly and briefly wonder who the pregnant lady approaching me was before realising that, whoops. IT ME.

I threw the jeans in the bin as soon as I got home (Don’t come at me for the waste: they were old and worn as well as being hideously unflattering), and added 50% of the jumpers to the charity pile, so that’s me down to ONE pair of jeans and just 25,000 jumpers that don’t work with them. Awesome, Amber. Just awesome.

And I STILL have absolutely nothing to wear. Some of this is because I’m just horribly fussy, I know, but a large part of it is that, no matter how hard I try – and trust me, I’ve tried – I just can’t seem to find clothes that actually look good on me. I see plenty of clothes that look good on other people, mind, but as soon as I try them, the effect is totally different, and I just want to cry.

(Bracelet c/o Carat London)

To illustrate this, here is my comprehensive list of things I either can’t or won’t wear right now:

Skinny jeans – make me look like a parsnip

Slim jeans – look exactly like skinny jeans on me, why?

Wide-leg jeans – make me look as broad as I am tall

Flared jeans – make me look like I’m going to a 70s themed fancy dress party

Bootcut jeans – make me look like I haven’t bought clothes since 2003. Also hate the way they trail around the ground and get all ragged at the heel. Mostly just hate them, really. All that fabric flapping around your ankles….

Straight jeans – always look like bootcut jeans on me. Again, why?

Baggy jeans – make me look like I’m auditioning for a 90s rap video

Mom jeans – just straight-up horrific, basically.

Full-length trousers – always look like office wear from the 2000’s on me. Are what my grandparents’ generation would have referred to as “a nice pair of slacks.” No.

Flared/bootcut trousers – see ‘jeans’ above.

Wide-legged trousers – see ‘wide leg jeans’

Joggers – “sports luxe” on everyone else, “this is what I slept in,” on me.

Dungarees – make me look like a toddler

Short dresses/skirts – hate my knees

Maxi dresses/skirts – make me look like a member of a religious cult

Midi dresses – have to be from the petite range, or they look like maxi dresses on me.

Bodycon dresses – make me look 6 months pregnant

Tights: hate literally everything about them

Shirts – make me look like a waitress

Blouses – make me look like Barbara Cartland

Frilly things – make me look like a milkmaid

Cardigans – always absolutely massive these days, why?

Tunics – look like maternity wear on me

Short sleeves – we get maybe two weeks a year when it’s warm enough for me to bare my arms here. Yes, I run very, very cold. Have been known to carry a sweater with me even in Florida in August.

Three-quarter length sleeves: nope, sill too cold. Sorry.

Bright colours – make me feel like a children’s TV presenter from the 80s

Almost all prints other than stripes – just hate them

Flat shoes including trainers – make my legs look stumpy. (Because they ARE stumpy)

Ankle boots: ditto the above.

High boots – look like wellies on me. Also normally too high for me to bend my knee properly, so they dig in to the back of my leg when I sit down.

Which leaves me with:

* Cropped trousers, which I love, but can only wear when it’s warm enough for bare ankles, and which can veer a little bit “office wear” if I’m not careful.

* High heels, which balance out my stumpy legs and make me feel fantastic, but which are totally impractical for my current lifestyle.

* Leggings and oversized sweatshirts, which are what I wear at home, almost exclusively. They’re perfect for cleaning the house and working on my laptop, obviously, but make me feel sloppy and like I’m basically out in my nightclothes or something when I try to wear them anywhere else.

I should add here, just in case the caveat at the start of this post wasn’t enough for ya, that I’m talking purely about MYSELF here, and how I look in these clothes. I don’t think that EVERYONE looks like a parsnip in skinny jeans, or that maxi dresses are only for cult leaders, just to be clear. No, almost every single day I see women looking absolutely amazing in clothes that I could never, ever wear. So I’m not casting aspersions on anyone who wears this stuff here, I’m just wondering aloud, WHY CAN’T I? And what the hell am I supposed to wear instead?

That’s not a rhetorical question, by the way, but seeing as I’ve pretty much ruled out EVERYTHING anyone could possibly suggest to me, Iet me just ask which items of clothing YOU cannot or will not wear these days? Make a fussy woman feel a little bit better here, folks…