The Dog with a Blog
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes....
So, dug me a hole the other day.
It was a great hole, you should've seen it - I may be just a little dog, but I dig a mean hole, I really do. So there I am, hole dug, chewstick already burried (one I prepared earlier hehe) and I go and start collecting my stuff to bury in The Hole. I get them all lined up nice and neat at the side of it: Teddy, Buddy, Freezebone, and my ball. I can see Amber and Terry talking in the kitchen, but they haven't seen me ha! So I'm just about to start getting my stuff buried, and I see a bit of The Hole that's not quite right.
I had to go all the way in to get it sorted (I told you it was a big hole) and while I'm down there I start to hear this noise...
So, I haul ass out of the hole, and there they are. Amber and Terry, and they're going freaking crazy! Terry especially; I mean, you'd have thought it was his Freezebone I'd buried. Like, take a chill pill, pal! They were both all annoyed, waving their arms around and making noises like those Sims Amber's always playing with. They wouldn't let me back near the hole. I took off round the garden, doing my "running really fast like a bullet on speed" thing to confuse them, but when I stopped, Terry had filled in the hole! I think Buddy and Teddy got washed after that as well, but I'm not sure. I've got them all dirtied back up again now, but I'm still quite gutted about the hole. Now they're watching me so much it's like being in the Big Brother house. Haven't had a chance to dig me another hole yet. But I will. Watch this space.
Rubin.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Ha!
Didn't think you'd see ME again, did you? Ha! Y'all thought the Rubinman was finished. That you'd never see his like again. Well, think again, people! The Rubinman is back, better than ever before, and he is calling his followers to him. Ho yes.
So, did ya miss me? You better have missed me or I'll come and bite you on the bum, every last one of you. I have SO much to tell you. It's, like, so much happened while I was away, but at the same time, nuthin' happened. You dig? (Heh, I certainly do ;))
Anyway, the most significant thing that happened was that my Norma and John went flying through the sky to that "Yew Ess Ay" place they're always goin' to. Now, I don't know what this Yew Ess Ay is, but I think it's like, a big mall or something? Because, like, when they come back from there, they always bring me MILLIONS of stuff.
This time round they brought me a HAIRY BONE from the Yew Ess Ay. Let me show you what happens to Hairy Bones around here:
Amber gives me Hairy Bone. Note damage sustained during a previous round of "Rubin v. Hairy Bone"
The battle commences.
Is it just me, or does my head look big in this?
I, like, totally wipe the floor with him.
Note: it was Amber that ACTUALLY had to wipe the floor. The Rubinman is no one's slave.
Yup, I showed that sucker. Rawr!
Anyway, don't tell my Norma and John this, because I think they want to surprise me and stuff, but I think they bought me a CAR, too. Reasons for me thinking this: I heard them all talking, and Amber was like, "What kind of car did you get?" and John was like, "Chevy Impala" and Amber was like, "cool", and I was like: O-O
I mean, I can't BELIEVE they bought me a car. Actually, scratch that: I can totally believe they bought me a car. I just can't believe no one thought of it before now. I wonder when I'll get it. Man, I'll totally rock in that there car. I'll be, like, too cool for school and stuff.
Anyway, yeah. I'll be updating this thing a LOT now, so y'all better keep checking back to read me. Remember what happened to Hairy Bone…
Ciao for now,
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Sing it with me: Don't be fooled by the toys that I got/ I'm still, I'm still Rubin from the block... Hell yeah I am.
So, the other night I get back from visiting my Norma and John, and all my OLD toys - i.e. the ones that AREN'T Purple Puppets - were waitin for me, and let me tell you, those dudes were NOT happy. They were all, "Rubin, man, you've totally forgotten your roots. You're all about the Purple Puppet now, what about US, the toys you grew up with?" Then they go, "we put you up there, dude, and we can totally bring you back down again, what are you without us, yadda yadda."
Let's just get one thing straight here: the Rubinman has NOT forgotten where he came from. I may be "all that" now, and I may have a Purple Puppet and a totally spanky red coat, but I'm still, I'm still Rubin from the block. Just to prove it, here's a little tribute to my homies:
This is my main man Buddy, my oldest pal and right hand dog:
Now, I know what y’all are thinkin. You’re all, like, “Buddy, he don’t look too good.” Yeah, well let me tell you, Buddy is WAY old: when I first arrived here in the 'hood (if you remember, I was ADOPTED by A&T when I was a mere 8 weeks old) Buddy was right here waitin for me. Amber often tells the story of how they were so excited about my arrival that they'd sit Buddy in my bed and, like, pretend he was me and stuff. And that right there tells you pretty much all you need to know about Amber...
Anyway, yeah, so Buddy... Buddy's been there with me through thick and thin. He was there with me when I went to Las Vegas, and he was there with me when I peed on Terry's shirt that time. (In fact, Terry? Buddy MADE me do that. It wasn't me, IT WAS BUDDY) I love my Buddy. Nevertheless, I still totally ripped his eyes and nose off. SO?!
This is me with my Mickey Hand:
My Mickey hand snuck into my Norma and John's suitcase when they were in the "Yew Ess Ay" one time, and it came all the way across the ocean to be with me. It's, like, a hand, and it squeaks. Who WOULDN'T love that?
Yeah, so this is Dead Head:
He, like, lives lives in the garden and stuff. This one time? I totally forgot that Dead Head was livin out in the garden, and I almost CRAPPED myself when I seen him. I am NOT scared of Dead Head though, because I am a WOLF. For real.
This is my PINK COW:
The pink cow is a mysterious, shady character. I say this mainly on account of the Time the Pink Cow VANISHED and was later discovered IN TERRY’S WARDROBE. How did it get there? Was the Pink Cow abducted by aliens? Did it walk there itself? Is there something Terry isn’t telling us? Dudes, we may never know.
I've got other toys, but I don't want to make you too jealous, so I'll sign off now. But remember : I used to have a little, now I gotta lot/ no matter where he goes Rubinman knows where he came from....[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
OK, so I hesitate to mention this, but somethin's been buggin me.
It's Amber.
It's like, sure, she bugs me MOST of the time: take that as read. But lately...oh man... Lately every time we go out for a walk - EVERY time - she straps these stupid wheels onto her feet, like a big sissy. She calls them "rollerblades". I call them "Stupid lubbish feet wheels". Now, trust me, I know what you're thinkin. I'm thinkin it too. It's like, there's me: white, fluffy (still WOLF like, though), runnin. Then there's her: feet wheels, hair blowing in the wind, rollin'.
Yeah, we look like a freakin Tampax advert.
"Aiiiiieeeeeeee! Booooodyfooooorrrmmm! Bodyform for yoooouuu!" THAT'S what I think now every time I go on my walk. EVERY time. Stupid lubbish song playin in my head every time I try to take a crap. "Aiiiiiieeeeeee!" It has RUINED it for me.
Oh man, I have SO got to bust out of this place. It's not like I haven't been tryin, either. Like, last week I started to dig me a hole: I was totally going to burrow under the fence and bust out, but no. They seen me, and they were all, "Baaad Rubin! Baaad!" Idiots.
I would try leavin under cover of darkness, but of course they have me confined to Azkaban every night. Unbelievable. I mean, to lock a noble, wolf-like creature like myself in a CAGE is just unforgivable. And WHY, for the love of Dog? WHY? What purpose does it serve? I mean, sure I peed on the kitchen floor every night in life before they banished me to Azkaban. Sure I did. And yeah, there may have been the odd crap or three along the way too. SO? What of it?
Nah, I don't think that's it. I think they just put me there because, it's like, I'm so scary and stuff and they don't want me roaming free at night in case I savage them in their beds or something. Which, by the way? I totally WOULD.
I am SO breakin' free. Azkaban is one thing, but these stupid feet wheels are just the final straw. I will NOT stay here to be made to look like a stupid sissy dog. I'm not the freakin' Andrex puppy, you know! Uh-uh. The Rubinman wouldn't be caught DEAD lookin' like a sissy. No way.
"Aieeeee!"[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
I’ve got something you’ve not got! I got a PURPLE PUPPET! Man, I bet you’re all totally jealous. No wonder I look smug:
(That thing right behind me, by the way? The CAGE? That’s what Amber and Terry call my “Den” and I call “Azkaban.” That’s where I live now. The nice, COW print bed I’m sitting in here? Just for show. So that Amber and Terry can pretend like they don’t make me the prisoner of AZKABAN every night. Muppets.)
Anyway, in not-so-good news, we have a GREEN THING living in our spare room -->
For those of you who've never seen one, it's called a "Pepe" and you get them from Terry's mum's house. My advice is to not get one, though, because they're, like, really, really annoying. A & T are always talking to it for one thing and - get this - it TALKS BACK to them. It talks complete LUBBISH, of course, but still... when it does it A&T look all pleased, like the Pepe's been dead clever or something. Like, big deal! I talk ALL the time. Yesterday I barked like a maniac for five minutes straight and what do I get? "Baaaad Rubin! Baaaad!." Hmph. I even heard Amber telling the Pepe it was a "pretty boy" yesterday. OK, I'M the pretty boy around here, lets get that straight. I do NOT appreciate being usurped by a Pepe. No way. Stupid lubbish bird.
Yeah.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Dudes, Bob Dylan has wrote a song about me.
This is my favourite bit:
"Rubin could take a man out with just one punch
But he never did like to talk about it all that much.
It’s my work, he’d say, and I do it for pay
And when it’s over I’d just as soon go on my way"
Yeah. He totally GETS me, you know? Me n' Bob, we're like THAT. No one has ever understood me like Bob does. I mean, it's like, I'll do a crap in the kitchen, you know? But will I boast about it? Nosir**. It's my work, I say, and I do it for pay. And when it's over I'd just as soon be on my way.
I'm, like totally overwhelmed. I mean, obviously it was just a matter of time before someone wrote a song about the Rubinman, but I had no idea that Dylan was a fan. I'm thinkin of sending him the Purple Puppet as a token of my appreciation, but I'm worried that then he might write a song about the PP and take some of the spotlight away from yours truly. Whaddya think?
Anyway, I'm very much heartened by this development. With people like Dylan carrying the flame for me, I can't help but feel that soon I will be totally busted out of AZKABAN and this journal will be used as proof of my suffering. I'll be a LEGEND man. Me n' Bob. I'm just wondering who else will join the fight to clear my name? I'm thinkin probably Sting. I'm thinkin Sting will write a song, and let me tell you, if Sting does that it's totally NOT MY FAULT. So don't even say anything.
Actually, now I come to think of it, it's strange that Sting and Bob Geldof haven't been around by now, wanting to hold a benefit concert or somethin' for me. I mean, they did it for Nelson Mandela, and me n' him are in, like, EXACTLY the same situation: both of us wrongly imprisoned for peeing on the kitchen floor, both persecuted for our beliefs (my beliefs: dogs should be able to pee on kitchen floors; Mandela's beliefs: um, dunno, but probably the same), both black***…
Sing it with me, people:
"Now all the criminals in their coats and their ties
Are free to drink martinis and watch the sun rise
While Rubin sits like buddha in a ten-foot cell
An innocent man in a living hell.
That’s the story of the hurricane,
But it won’t be over till they clear his name
And give him back the time he’s done.
Put in a prison cell, but one time he coulda been
The champion of the world. "
* With every purchase. Conditions apply.
* *Sometimes I totally WILL boast about it, though.
** Except me, obviously. I'm white, but it's, like, the same thing.
"An innocent man, in a living hell..."[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
I got a PINK DONKEY. A PONKY!
Actually, I'm going to just come clean: I got TWO ponkies, and the reason I got two ponkies was that the first one... well, the first one was an IMPOSTOR Ponky. For real.
I blame myself. My Norma had gone to "Ikea" with A&T, and she brought back this dude:
Now, I admit it, I got carried away. There was a rush to judgement. Soon as I seen it: pink, big ears, smilin', I was just like, "Oh man, a PONKY!" I couldn't BELIEVE it, and, well, basically I was right not to believe it, because it wasn't a freakin ponky at all - it was a RABBIT.
Yeah, yeah, I know what y'all are thinkin. Yoos are all, "easy mistake to make, Rubinman - I mean, who HASN'T seen a rabbit and thought it was a donkey?" Well, sure, YOU LOT could easily make the mistake, but for a professional like myself to confuse a rabbit with a PONKY - well, that's just shameful.
I mean, it's not the Ponky Rabbit's fault. By the time I realised he was Not a Ponky, I'd been throwin that dude all over the place, chasin him, playing with him - me n' him were like THAT. So I decided to keep him, and everything was cool, and then today... today Terry gets in his "car" and drives away, and the next thing I know, he's back with THIS:
Now, THAT's a Ponky for ya. That there is a REAL Ponky. If ever you need to know whether you got yourself a PONKY or a rabbit, you just check out this here picture and that'll tell you for sure. (And don't say I'm not good to you. Where else could you get free advice on Ponky-spotting? Only from the Rubinman...) I couldn't BELIEVE it! I mean, on Friday I had NO PONKIES and now I have TWO! I bet there's not a single one of you can say that. Obviously Terry had been Ponky-huntin'. Who woulda thunk it? I had no idea he even knew where to find a ponky. Hee! I totally rule. Me an m'ponkies.
Don't even LOOK at my ponkies. They're MY ponkies. Rubinman does not share![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Just to clarify here : I didn't know they were Amber's favourite shoes when I ate them. I didn't! I thought the last pair I ate were her favourite shoes? Who has two favourite pairs of shoes (Answer: Amber, obviously. The freak.) I'm not saying I wouldn't have eaten them if I'd known, but I'd maybe have gone a bit easier on them. Maybe.
Still, though - you'd think I'd freaking killed somebody! Amber takes one look at the shoes and runs into the bedroom in tears, flings herself onto the bed and throws a hissyfit. Terry gets all worried and goes in to comfort her, says he'll fix the shoes etc. (Ha! Like to see you try Big T!) Well, what's a pup to do? I thought it was the right thing. I was just trying to get their attention off the shoes and back onto moi, you know? So I casually wandered into the room they were in and did a crap on the floor. Ha! That shut them up! Well, it shut them up for about 5 seconds, anyway. Then they freaked out again.
Terry picked me up and took me out of the room, giving me the usual,"baaaaad Rubin! Baaaaad Rubin! No! NO!" as we went. Nearly broke my doggy ears. He put me in my basket in the spare room, where I adopted a suitably puzzled expression. Meanwhile, Amber's going mental in the bedroom - all over a pair of shoes. I mean, is it just me or is that completely weird? Terry cleaned up the crap (it was a really smelly one too, I was quite proudof it) and they calmed down a bit. Amber didn't speak to me all night though. Oooooh!
It wasn't long after that episode that they gave me a bath. Now, I'm not saying the two incidents were connected, but they obviously were. I mean,I'd done nothing wrong. There I was, minding my own business, out in the garden digging me some holes. Got a few minor holes on the go at the moment;nothing like The Hole, of course, but not too shabby at all, though I say it myself.
So I'm digging, running around like a maniac, digging again.Once I'd finished for the night I had a good roll in the long grass, got myself all covered in mud- it was everywhere but I figured I'd have a good shake once I was in the house, leaveit on the floor for Amber. She must quite like cleaning the floor cos she's always doing it, so I figured I was doing her a favour. Anyway, I come in, have a good shake and go and bark for them to give me attention.
Well, I got it. I got a BATH. What a nightmare, although afterwards, I have to say, I did look nice - all fluffyand white and they kept cuddling me and calling me a good boy. I got some of that doggy chocolate as well, so it wasn't too bad. Ah well, off to shred some newspapers for them. A dog's work is never done.[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Yo, Rubinman in da house. Here's the thing, though: I'm totally NOT in the house. I haven't been in the house for TWO WEEKS in fact, and quite frankly, I am NOT amused…
Now, I'm not talkin about my OWN house, here. Like, I've been THERE – aint no one could kick the Rubinman out in the cold. No, it's my Norma and John's house. I haven't been welcome there for weeks, and you know why? Because my "Uncle Jerry" has been there, that's why.
Now, I know what yoos all are thinkin'. Yoos are all, "ah, that's nice, he must've came to see the Rubinman." Yeah, right. Dude is TERRIFIED of me. Like, totally terrified. Every time he's here he's all, "where's that wolf? Is that wolf here? You keep that wolf away from me, OK?" TERRIFIED. He tries to make out that he's just "allergic", but I think we all know the truth – I scare the bejesus outta him, and you got to admit, it's understandable. I mean, you only haveta look at me ->
Anyway, so that's partly why I haven't been "blogging" for a while. The "Uncle Jerry" came and there were whole days where weren't nothin' to do but pee all over the kitchen and on my bed. Last week I peed on my bed seven times. Seven. Hee! I also perfected a little somethin' I've been working on for a while. I call it "projectile peeing", and I'm like, the world champion at it. It's like, I'll probably be peeing for Scotland in the next Olympics or something.
I first found out I could do it one day when I was out walking Amber and we went over this bridge. Bridge has got metal railings along it, road down below. Well, I did what anyone else would do – lifted my leg and let fly. Hee! Imagine it: car on the road, full of happy campers off on their hodilays… as they approach the bridge they see the Rubinman up above, leg raised… Now we don't go over that bridge no more. Anyways, I can also projectile pee out of AZKABAN, my dog crate. I can totally lift my leg and pee and it lands nowhere near my bed. You should see Amber's face! (Note: sometimes I totally pee on my bed anyway, just because I can).
Also: that thing happened again. That thing where I go to bed and everything's normal and then I wake up and there's mental white stuff everywhere. Here's a little game for you - I call it "Where's Rubin?"
D'yer know what it is yet?
It's meeeeee!
Here's another (scarier) one for yoos:
Yeah, don't even LOOK at my ball. Especially not you, Unc Jer. I'll bite your face off!
This one's for you Unc Jer:
Smell ya later, dudes!
P.S. Norma? Don't say anything about me bein' out without my red coat on. It's like, wolves families don't even make them wear coats. For real.
* answer: My Uncle Jerry[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
She made me wear the red coat.
I could not BELIEVE it. Every single winter this happens. Every single winter. (Note: one winter it didn't happen but, it's like, who's counting? Answer: me.)
I mean, how many wolves have you seen wearing a RED COAT recently? One wolf? Two wolves? Or maybe how about NO WOLVES? Yeah, thought so. The things I have to do to get a walk around here.
So, anyways, I get the RED COAT on and I take Amber for her walk, and as we pass this building site thing, I notice that the workmen are all, "oooh, lookit the little poodle!" I mean, I didn't think anything off it at first; I just assumed they were talkin' about Amber and, well, yeah, she totally IS a bit of a poodle sometimes. It was only when I heard one of them go, "yeah, lookit its little red coat!" that I realised they were talkin' about ME.
Now, let's just get one thing straight right now. I am NOT a poodle. I am a Bichon Frise, and let me tell you, there is a BIG difference. See?
Poodle:
Bichon Frise:
I just get so sick of it, y'know? I mean, here I am, fierce and wild, and they got me dressed in a freakin RED COAT and builders are callin' me a POODLE. I am SO not happy about this. I think someone's shoes may be in for a little surprise tonight, let me tell yoos.
Smell ya,
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
I think if I were to name the worst thing I ever did it would havta be The Sheet Incident. Amber had washed a sheet. It was white and HUGE. She spent HOURS ironing it, and she was complaining the whole time because she hates ironing. Well, I waited until she was just about finished. Then in I strolled, casual as anything. Amber started to notice a really strong smell of pee... She looked down... There, right in the middle of her beautiful, crisp, snowy-white sheet, was a huge yellow pee-stain. The Rubinman had struck again.
Well, I thought she was going to kill me. She was really MAD - and even more so when she chased me down the stairs and almost stood in the pile of crap I'd left at the bottom. (Note the word "almost" here. She didn't ACTUALLY stand in it. So why all the fuss?) After that I decided to quieten things down a bit, pretend to be "good". I did the odd pee here and there - mainly there, on the corner of the leather suite, to be honest, and I was sent to the SIN BIN for that. But I tried to be good. Until last week.
Last week I decided to reprise my "peeing on the ironing" act. She had been ironing Terry's shirts. Two of them. She had hung them up on a chair for Terry to put them away. Ha! It wasn't until he was getting ready for bed that he found the tell-tale yellow marks. I had managed to get both of the shirts. And - get this - by then it was TOO LATE for them to give me a row! Hee!
Also last week I pulled off my greatest trick yet. Imagine, if you will, that you're Amber. You've just come downstairs first thing in the morning to find that the Rubinman has, as always, left a big pile o' crap beside the back door, on the newspapers which are provided for that very purpose. You heave a big sigh and begin to clean up. It's as you straighten up from disinfecting the floor that something catches your eye. Something brown and smelly. Almost like a crap. But no, it's at eye level. It can't be? Surely to god it CAN'T be?! It is. There, sitting on the kitchen counter, right next to your bonsai tree and your fairy liquid, is a crap. How did it get there? How, for the love of god, did it get there?! In the corner sits the Rubinman, quietly watching....
I bet you're wondering how I did it, aren't you? You're thinking, 'small dog, high counter' - how DID he do it? Well I'm not going to tell you. Does the Magic Circle give its secrets away? Well then.
Other than that, here's a list of other BAD stuff I've done:
1. barking really early in the morning
2. barking during the middle of the night
3. barking really early in the morning ON THE WEEKEND
4. a bit more barking
5. some more barking
6. barking again
7. and a quick spot of barking
8. barking
9. I'm still barking
10. STILL barking
11. I've stopped for a quick pee
12. I'm barking again
13. And again
14. I WON'T STOP barking
15. Bite me.
Hee!
Anyway, better go and have a nap. I'm up early tomorrow...
P.S .
Also: got me a new bed. Ya like?
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Yeah, so last night? After we'd got home from my Norma and John's? I waited till A&T were asleep then I crapped all over my bed. Yes, AGAIN! That's three beds I've ruined this week alone - three beds AND Azkaban. Man, I am ON A ROLL here, people. Also: Amber and Terry don't speak to me no more. They have, like, NO sense of humour AT ALL. I mean, why so serious all the time?
Anyway, I totally don't want to talk about it anymore, it's just, like, SO last night. Oh OK, I will: I will talk about it because actually? Things are quite serious. A&T are REALLY not happy with me. This morning they were all "BAAAAAAD boy" for, like, HOURS. I think I will have to leave to leave home. They don't understand me, here. Also, I think what they'll probably do is, they'll probably get another pet to replace me, and that other pet will probably be that freakin' Pepeman. GOD.
Just in case you're wonderin', by the way, I am STILL not afraid of the Pepe. No way. Quite the opposite, in fact - it was here a few weeks ago, and it was obviously TERRIFIED of me. Lookit!
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
This update comes to you live from the “Sin-bin”, where I’ve been remanded in custody by Terry after a day of total and utter BADNESS.
First there was the matter of Amber’s flowers. Well. Somehow during the night Amber had growed two flowers in the garden. Well, I don’t know how she did it, but they weren’t there the night before, and in the morning Amber was looking at them all smiley, so she must have growed them. Which was silly of her. I mean, they were right there in front of me – tall and obscenely orange. You know that thing people say about how dogs are colourblind? Crap. It’s just not true. If it was true, then those flowers wouldn’t have annoyed me this morning: I just wouldn’t have seen them, and if I hadn’t seen then, I wouldn’t have ran over to them and bit both their heads off before the orange-headed freaks knew what had hit them. Well Amber went crazy. Crazy like a LOON. She went so crazy that she totally distracted me from what I was supposed to be doing in the garden in the first place in the morning – the result being that I crapped on her bedroom floor while she was drying her hair. Well, you would have done the same.
I quietened down a bit during the day. Shredded up a newspaper while she was working right enough, but I reserved the real BADNESS for when Terry came home. Then I just went for it. I started making out like I needed a pee, so they had to keep getting me up and taking me out: then when I got outside I’d eat stones, sticks – even managed to pull a small BRANCH of one of their trees and eat it – anything except answer the call of nature. Finally they’d get bored of standing at the door watching me, so they’d go back inside – at which point I’d turn up and make like I needed a pee again. So frustrating for them! Finally they put me outside and told me to just get on with it. At which point the fat kid from next door turned up.
He turned up with a GUN. I kid you not. The fat kid was carrying a freakin’ gun. Well, what’s a wolf to do? Bearing in mind that it’s up to me to guard the house, I started barking my ass off. Then Terry appeared, wanted me to come inside. Like, no way! So I started running. I ran flat out round the garden. Round and round and round the garden, Terry chasing me the whole way. He wouldn’t give up, but neither would the Rubinman. I ran like that for like an HOUR, it was truly an awesome sight. Amber leaned out of the spare room window and laughed at Terry the whole time. He didn’t catch me: I’m fast like a JAGUAR. Finally I stopped to get me a drink of water, and Terry just, like, picked me up and put me in the Sin Bin. Hee, though! I rock![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]<em>Rubin writes...</em>
n my time, I've often been described as a "dirty dog". Indeed, there are those who have described me as a "filthy dog", and still others who have called me a "BAAAAD BOY", or a "dirty wee b******d". But those people are WRONG my friends, for the Rubinman, he is as clean and as pure as the driven snow. I mean, I even brush my freaking TEETH:
I know what yoos are thinkin', by the way. Y'all are like, "no way is the Rubinman actually using that brush, he's just posing with it little a stupid sissy dog." But you are WRONG. See?
Ha! Watch me go! I hope this clarifies the whole "Just a dog" rumour that goes around about me, people. Oh yeah, you think I don't know, but let me tell you, the Rubinman knows ALL. I know, for example, that they are planning on sending me to "Las Vegas" for A&T's wedding, and y'know what? I'm starting to doubt that place even IS Las Vegas. It's like, I didn't see no Elvis when I was there, y'hear what I'm sayin'?
Anyway, just take note here: if I can brush my teeth like a human, you just don't know WHAT else the Rubinman can do. Just a thought for you.
So, not a lot happenin'. Terry still mad as a brush. He's, like, totally obsessed with my PAWS. "Give me a paw," he'll say, a few times a day. I mean, why? What does he want my paw for? "Get your own paw," I always feel like saying, but once I've handed over the paw he always make a big fuss of me, and sometimes I get a sweetie, so I put up with it. MAD, though. And another thing: what's with the whole "Sit - stand - lie down" routine that he keeps making me go through? I mean, you don't see me walking up to him and going, "Hi Terry - SIT! Now LIE DOWN!" do you? So why does he do it to me? Because he's MAD, that's why.
Smell ya's later, folks
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Oh man, lookit what I got, I gotta PINK BOWL!
Now, I know what yoos all are thinkin'. Yoos are all, "OMG he gotta SISSY GIRL BOWL!" Well, shows what yoos know, eh? Yeah, OK, personally I would've preferred the bowl in red because people are, like, always telling me that red is SO my colour, and they are totally right about that, but actually, the Rubinman can carry off any colour really. When you're as fierce and scary as I am, ain't no pink bowl in the WORLD can make you look like a sissy. Also, the pink bowl has a crown on it, and that is because I am totally doggie royalty. For real.
Anyway, as you can tell by the "buying of the bowl", Amber and Terry are liking me again, and that's because I've toned it down a bit with the whole peeing in the house thing. Any more would've been overkill, you know what I'm saying? Also, it's more effective if I lull them into a false sense of security for a while and then BAM! Pee on the kitchen floor! Hee! Anyway, they get over excited when I'm REALLY bad, so I haveta watch it sometimes.
NOT a sissy bowl! RAAAAR![/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Oh man, wait till I tell you what I did last night! You will be, like, SO impressed!
So, as y'all know, because they are as mad as fish, Amber and Terry like to confine me to Azkaban of an evening. Well, Sting and Bob Geldof never did turn up to FREE ME, so for months now I have been forumulating a plan - a plan that I cunningly put into action last night.
Last night, you see, was "windy", and I don't mean in the "OMG, Rubinman, have you farted again?" kind of way. No, it, was, like, a STORM, and as I sat there, deep within the confines of AZKABAN, listening to the wind howl around the house, I knew that my time had come. It was time for the Rubinman to be free, and to take his rightful place in the BIG BED - Amber and Terry's basket, upstairs.
Well, I started barking. Every time the wind howled, the Rubinman howled with it. I barked and I barked until I was actually starting to annoy even myself. I knew it would be worth it, though. I knew it would get a reaction, and, sure enough, after not very long, Terry showed up. Man, he was MAD. He was, like, totally shouting and saying BAD WORDS at me like a crazymad thing, so what I did was, I shut up until he was on his way back to his basket, and then I started it up again. And again. And again. God, it was the best performance of my life. Terry was getting madder by the moment, but I knew that within twenty minutes I'd be upstairs and I'd be in that there BIG BED right along with Them.
I gave myself thirty minutes to break him. It only took about ten. Before I knew what was happening, I was upstairs. He had brung my bed with him, but, like I was going to sleep on the floor! No way, man. I just waited until he lay down, then I jumped out and ran round the bedroom like a madman, popping my head up every now and then - POP!
Within minutes, I had achieved my goal. I was picked up and allowed to sleep in the BIG BED, and, it's like, that's where I'll be sleeping from now on, dudes. I just need to work out how to get A&T out of the way - let them sleep in Azkaban from now on, see how they like it.
Anyway, enough of this. Before I go, though, I just want to clear something up. Quite a lot of yoos have been askin' me lately if I really write the blawg myself. Yoos are all, "You're a dog, dude, you can't type, I bet Amber writes it for you!" Well, yoos are WRONG. This here blawg is all my own work, and to prove it, here is a picture of me "blogging". As you can see, got me a GREAT BIG keyboard, so's I can type. SO THERE.
Smell yas, dudes!
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Ha! I gotchya there, didn't I? Yes, it's true that I fought a sock today, sure, but if y'all ACTUALLY BELIEVED that the sock won, well, you don't know the Rubinman very well, do yoos? Like a sock would beat me! No, I totally defeated that sucker - ripped it right off Terry's foot, threw it about some, broke its stupid neck, KILLED IT. I had no mercy, and that's because I? Was raised by wolves.
Also: that stupid rubbish Pepeman is here again. Like I don't have enough to do without keepin' that dude in line all day. Today I was busy playing with my ponkies, and the Pepe started doing this mad cackling, like it was LAUGHING at me or something. I know! Ha, bet it was laughin' on the other side of its green feathered face after it saw the masterful way I dealt with the sock, eh?
You'll keep, Pepeman, you'll keep...[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Yo peeps, s'up? Rubinman in da house...
So, at the weekend it was Amber's "birthday", but guess who got presents? YES, it was ME - the Rubinman got presents, and let me tell you, that's exactly the way it should be, because do you know what Amber and Terry got me for MY "birthday"? NOTHING, that's what. NOTHING. Anyways, it's like, they totally got me a present for Amber's "birthday" and this is what it was:
YES! It's a BLING COLLAR! A "BLOLLAR!" Got me a BLOLLAR and damn, but I look mighty fine in my Blollar, let me tell you. I'd show you, but it's like, I'm keepin' it for special occassions, like when I take Amber out for a walk and we haveta go past all me bitches in the street. For real. And also: because my hairs are so WILD, you can't really see the Blollar too good. Still, I got one, and, you know, that's more than you got, so there.
Now, I know what you're thinkin' about me n' my BLOLLAR. Yoos are all, "Nancy boy got a gold collar with SPARKLY BITS on it! First he gets a PINK BOWL then he gets a freakin' BLOLLAR, what is he, some kind of sissy?" Well, the Rubinman is NOT a sissy, and I'll tell yoos how I know. Lookit this: does HE look like a sissy to you?
No, I didn't think so. It's my man 50 Cent - note the BLOLLAR. Yeah, old 50 Cent, he got his BLOLLAR on back to front, but that's 'cos he is NO WAY as cool as the Rubinman. He'll learn. In the meantime, I'm off to strut my stuff show off my ice, ice baby. Smell yas!
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Now, I don't want yoos all to get too jealous here, but it's like, I think I might be goin' to Las Vegas again. I'm not that bothered about it. I mean, I've been before, and let me tell you, it's not all that great, Las Vegas. Last time I went was, like, totally WEIRD. Amber and Terry were goin' and so were my Norma and John, so I was like, "OK, cool, goin' to Las Vegas," so I packed up my ponkies, we all get in the "car", and then what happened was, we drove to this place that was totally like a DOG KENNEL, and I mean, TOTALLY. There's no Elvis, there's no slot machines, there's NUTHIN there. And I was like, "This Vegas totally sucks," and I didn't even see Amber and Terry all week, so it's like, their kennel must've been on another part of The Strip?
When they eventually turned up they were all, "Blah blah slot machines, blah blah Grand Canyon, blah blah all-you-can-eat-buffet-at-The-Bellagio" and I was like, "EH? Weren't no SLOT MACHINES on my part of the strip, no siree. And ALL YOU CAN EAT BUFFETS?! I was eatin' DOG FOOD every night. EVERY NIGHT, people. And it wasn't all I could eat either - not even close. I mean, this is the Rubinman, I once ate seven cats, y'know? So, it's like, I know people totally rave about the Las Vegas, and don't get me wrong, it was OK, but it's like, it wasn't GREAT, you know what I mean?
So, anyways, last week Amber and Terry are talkin' about their freakin' WEDDING AGAIN. (GOD, when will they shut up about that already? I mean, it's not like there's even anything good happening at it. They got no ponkies, no wolves, NOTHIN) and suddenly Terry's all, "Oh, and we'll need to book Rubin into Las Vegas again" and I was like: ?????????????!!!!
I think I'm only going for two nights this time while they're having their stupid "wedding", then I'm staying with my Norma and John but even so, it's like, long way to go for TWO NIGHTS, no? And all I can say is, they better have booked me a better hotel this time. Like, one with an all you can eat buffet and stuff. Yeah, they better do that or I will NOT be happy, and trust me, they will NOT LIKE IT if the Rubinman's not happy...
NOT happy...[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]
I put a spell on yoos...Yeah, so this is NOT the Rubinman… I know y’all come here specifically to see the Rubinman, but, it’s like, he ain’t here. The Rubinman doesn’t dress up in stupid sissy Yoda clothes, no way man. No, this is… this is a WOLF speaking on his behalf. Yeah, a wolf. A wolf in Rubinman’s clothing. No, wait, NOT in Rubinman’s clothing – the Rubinman doesn’t HAVE clothing like this. Stupid ass wolf.
Anyway, Rubin would just like it to be known that if Amber and Terry ever DID buy a Yoda suit, and if they ever made Rubin WEAR that there Yoda suit, Rubin would bite both their bums. And also: if any of yoos are laughin' at me him right now, he will bit all your bums too, every last of them, and don't even think he wont.
Rubin A Wolf
[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]So, what a lot of yoos Rubin fans probably don't know is that as well as hunting t kids and postmen, and just generally bein' a mad scary WOLF, the Rubinman is also a "moovy star" in his spare time. Yes, it's true, the Rubinman is famous. I'm big in Japan, apparenty.
Anyway, here's one of them "moovys" I made just for you, people. It's like, I really hope it doesn't scare yoos too much, you know? Kids, ask your parents before you watch this. And don't have nightmares. (Unless you're a postman, in which case you SHOULD be scared, and I mean it.)[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]Rubin writes...
Yeah, so nothing much happening this week, saved Amber's life on Sunday, but seriously, all in a day's work for the Rubinman, so not even worth talkin' about really...
OK, I'll talk about it, because actually, it might be a lesson to all of yoos who think it might be a good idea to mess with the Rubinman, because, let me tell you, you do NOT mess with the Rubinman. So, anyways, Sunday afternoon I take Amber for a walk, and we go for our walk in the woods behind the house because, it's like, being part wolf and all, I'm totally comfortable in them woods, y'know? Anyway, I'm sniffing prowlin' around like a mad thing, here a pee, there a pee, everywhere a pee pee, and next thing I know, this BAD MAN has jumped out of the wood, and he's, like, totally threatening to kill Amber.
Well, I did what any wolf would have done in the circumstances: I started barkin' like a maniac, totally threatening the guy and basically letting him know that the Rubinman was on the scene now, and that if there was any killin' to be done, it would be the Rubinman that would be doin' it. I would totally have bit his face off, and actually, I nearly did, but I could see Amber was scared, so I decided to get her out of there. And anyway, my barking frightened the dude so much that he up and ran away like a sissy girl. Hee! Rubinman to the rescue!
Later, the “poleece” came to interview me, and, I suspect, just to get a look at me. It’s not everyday you get to see a HERO, you know. I had been out digging me a hole and I was DIRRRTY. I was totally the SMELL too – really, really smelly - but the “poleece” was, like, totally awed by me, I could tell. He’ll probably dine out on the story for years.
I sat on Amber’s knee while she was talking to him cos I knew he would appreciate me being there – he could learn a lot from me. He said to Amber, “You’re just lucky your wolf was with you at the time. If it wasn’t for the quick thinking of young Rubin here, well, none of us would be here today.” It’s true, you know, and Amber knew it. When the “poleece” left, she gave me a JUMBONE and even Terry kept going on about how BRAVE I was. “Like a lion,” Terry said – I bet he’ll think twice about giving me a row for peeing in the house in the future.
I think the “poleece” are probably going to ask me to join the force. I won’t go though – it’s obvious how much my Amber and Terry rely on me just now, I mean they can’t look after themselves at ALL. I’ve got, like, all the responsibility for looking after them resting on my furry shoulders now – it’s just a good job I’m WOLF really, I mean, I don't think many dogs would be as brave as me...
Smell yas!
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]
Rubin writes...
That stupid rubbish bird is back again. I mean, it's like, what's a wolf got to do to get some peace round here? Last time it came I totally scared it witless, of course, so this time what dsoes it do? It brings "backup", that's what. Yeah, it's gotta accomplice. The accomplice is this "tortoise" and man, but it is ARMED. It's like, totally covered in armour, it's THAT scared of me! Hee! And, like, when it sees me? It goes and hides inside its armour. Stupid rubbish tortoise. Not feeling so brave now, Pepeman, are you? Ha! Lookit the terror on its face in this picture. I've, like, climbed up its basket and it's all, "No, Rubinman, don't hurt me!"
Obviously, as soon as it arrived, I went and did me a pee on the washing machine. THAT showed them who was boss round here. Since then I've been keeping a low profile, biding my time until it's time to STRIKE. Today I DID have a total run-in with Amber, though. It's like, what I did was, I went into the garden and I stared doing me a bit of barking at the woman next door. When Amber came out to try and "catch" me though, I was all, "like to see you try, sucker!" She did try, but I ran rings round her, and I mean I LITERALLY ran rings round her. Nobody puts Rubinman in the corner, I'll tell ya.
Anyway, I came into the house when I was good and ready, and now me n' Amber, we don't talk no more. Shame, but I'd do it again if I had to.
Smell yas!
Rubin[/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row css=".vc_custom_1541608479661{padding-top: 50px !important;padding-bottom: 50px !important;}"][vc_column][vc_separator border_width="2"][/vc_column][/vc_row][vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text]