It’s all fun and games until someone gets peed on

Seeing as last week’s ‘Week in Photos’ was pretty light on the whole ‘photos’ bit, this week I thought I’d do this thing RIGHT.

Like, I was going to take a photo every single day, and then by the end of the week, I’d have seven photos, all with interesting and amusing anecdotes to go with them. You can see where I’m going with this, can’t you?

Yeah, it didn’t happen.

Guys, I totally forgot to take photos most days, which means that writing this post was a process in scrolling through the camera roll on my phone and trying to find ones I could use anyway. Then I had a brainwave. “I’ll do one of those ‘The Last Five Photos on My Phone’ posts,” I thought. “The ones where you don’t cheat, you just go to your camera roll and you post the last five photos on it, no matter how bad they are, because it provides a fascinating insight into your life, in a “warts-and-all” kind of way. Only I will do SIX photos because I am special.”

Then I actually LOOKED at the last six photos on the phone, and thought, “Yeah, no way am I doing this: these photos are BAD.” And they are. Some of them are terrible, in fact. But I’m going to show you them anyway, because, meh, why not? You probably have some terrible photos on YOUR phone too, don’t you? (Please say yes, to that, even if it’s not true: it’ll make me feel better…)

So, with that lengthy premable out of the way, here are the last five six photos on my phone:

One:

Well, this isn’t awful AT ALL, is it? Oh no wait: yeah it is. What is it supposed to be, though, I hear you ask? OK, so, when we were on holiday, we saw some people on Santa Monica pier one night, playing with LED Flyers. (That link will take you to a You Tube video which will explain what they are better than I can…) My parents thought it would be fun to try them, so they bought some, and on Saturday night we tried them out in their garden. Most of mine just belly-flopped to the ground, naturally, but it was pretty funny trying to work them.

Of course, it’s all fun and games until someone gets peed on, and on this occasion, the person was my dad. The perpetrator, meanwhile (and I really hope this goes without saying), was Rubin: in his defence, it was pitch dark out there, so he presumably thought my dad’s leg was some kind of ‘peeing post’, but then again, Rubin DOES have form in this respect, so you never really know with him, do you?

Two:

I didn’t actually take this: it’s only on my phone because Terry took it and What’s App’d it to me. On the subject of spiders, though, we have a giant one living in our bath right now: it’s been there for over a week, and it’s still alive (I should say here that we don’t actually use that bath, which is why it’s managed to hang around so long), so it looks like it’s moved in. Normally I’d get to Terry to dispose of the spider, but for some reason I can’t bring myself to do it, and as I said, I don’t really use that bathroom, so I’ve named him Boris, and told him that as long as he sticks to the bathroom and doesn’t come wandering into the rest of the house, we’re good. (Terry’s just informed me the spider’s name is actually Spike, but Terry is wrong, because all spiders are called ‘Boris’. Look, they just ARE, OK?)

Three:

It wouldn’t be an iPhone photo reel without a blurry mirror selfie, would it?

Four:

OK, this one actually isn’t too bad, is it? Yay! I knew we’d get one at last! This is just a random shot of the countryside near our house, taken while I was out walking Rubin. The weather has been really nice this week – sunny and quite warm, which is unusual, but welcome. I can almost see why you all love autumn so much. Almost.

Five:

Next up, another fascinating countryside scene, this one taken during a run earlier this week. The treadmill got fixed on Tuesday, but because the weather’s been warm I’ve been trying to make the most of it by running outdoors instead. The problem with this, though, this that I can’t run without listening to music, and I can’t listen to music without singing along to it. When I reach this particular part of my route, I normally let loose a little, because, well, it’s the middle of nowhere, so who’s going to hear me? <FORESHADOWING>

So, there I am, running along and singing my little heart out. I’d just crossed that bridge you can see (“I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” I told myself as I approached. Boom boom!), and – look, this is pretty embarrassing, but the thing is, I was kind of running with my arms outstretched, really enjoying the music, you know?

“He doesn’t look a thing like Jeeeeesssuuuuuussss!” I screeched, “But he! Talks like a gentleman! Like you imagined! When yoooooouuuuuu! Were yoooooouuuuunggg!”

And then I turned the corner, and coming towards me was a little old man, out walking his dog – and being treated to the worst rendition of The Killers ‘When You Were Young’ that has ever, EVER been sung.

And you know, that man DIDN’T look a thing like Jesus. But he DID nod and smile like a gentleman, and gallantly pretended not to have heard me singing, which I very much appreciated. The horrifying thing is, this isn’t the first time something like this has happened, and I very much doubt it’ll be the last, either…

Six

Finally, a late entry from these cakes, which you might have already seen if you follow me on Instagram, and which are really only here because I wanted to have at least ONE photo that didn’t totally suck. I actually bought these at the end of another outdoor run this week: because, yes, I’m totally the kind of person who goes running and then eats cake immediately afterwards. Or sometimes during, let’s not kid ourselves. These were really supposed to be a gift for Terry, to thank him for all his hard work on my website this week, but it would’ve been just plain wrong not to Instagram them, so here they are.

As I said, I bought these towards the end of my run, but it still took me another ten minutes or so to get home with them, and because the route I take is quite a busy one, it was honestly quite humiliating to be jogging along in my running gear, clutching two boxes of CAKES to my chest. I felt like an advert for how NOT to embrace a healthy lifestyle or something. Just as I reached home, another runner passed me, going in the opposite direction: she was one of those ‘glowing with health’ girls – all swishy ponytail and virtuous water bottle. And there was I, a hot, sweaty mess, shuffling along wearing a baseball hat crammed over my eyes (its actual function is to keep the sun out of my eyes, but it unfortunately makes me look a bit like I’ve just mugged someone), and carrying calorific treats rather than water. Running: UR DOIN IT RONG.

Still, it could’ve been worse: I mean, I WAS also going to buy two pumpkins for us to carve, but I decided against it, on account of them being a little too heavy to carry on a run. I’ll probably get them next time, though..