Real-Life Morning Routine

Almost every time I look at my Bloglovin’ feed lately, there’s another post about someone’s ‘morning routine’.

I love reading these posts… but I also hate them a little bit, because, those posts, with their photos of perfectly made beds, and people waking up at dawn to go for a ten-mile run before breakfast (tastefully presented and nutritionally awesome, obviously), make it all too clear that I am totally failing at adulting. I mean, I work from home, for God’s sake! If anyone should have a morning routine down pat, it should be me, right? I don’t, though – or not one like all of those other bloggers. Here, for instance, is my real-life morning routine, and how it contrasts with the ones I’ve been reading about on the internet. (And which are totally true, obviously, because no one would pretend to be perfect on the internet… would they?)

The Others:

Woken up by the rising sun. Leap out of bed, excited to begin a new day.

Me:

Woken up by the sound of Rubin barking. Place pillow over head and hope Terry gets up first.

(No matter how early we get up, Rubin always manages to wake up and start barking ten minutes before us. If we try to trick him by setting an alarm to wake up before him, we’ll get maybe two days of silence, before he learns the new wake-up time, and starts barking ten minutes before THAT. One time we wound up getting up before we’d even gone to bed, in a bid to out-wit him: true story.*)

(*Not actually a true story.)

The Others:

Drink one litre of water, probably infused with lemon, or cucumber, or some other Instagram-friendly item.

Me:

GIVE ME COFFEE OR I WILL CUT YOU. No, seriously…

The Others:

Do some quick sun salutations, to get “centred”.

Me:

Grab phone from bedside table, and spend next 20 minutes pretending to be doing important #GIRLBOSS related tasks, while actually scrolling through my Bloglovin’ feed and comparing myself to all of those Other Bloggers whose ‘morning routine’ involves getting up with the dawn, hitting the gym (clad in their Ivy Park workout gear, natch), and then coming home to prepare a perfect breakfast. And all before 8am! Meanwhile, I’m still in bed. Also, I now want to slap myself for using the word #GIRLBOSS, even in my own head. Seriously, who even AM I?

“But I’m so cute! Also: FEED ME.”

The Others:

Pull on pristine workout gear, and head out for a 10-mile run.

Me:

Pull on worn-out workout gear. “Run” from bed to desk. And by “run” I mean “walk”.

The Others:

Return home, and prepare a nutritious breakfast, complete with hand-made smoothie, featuring all-organic ingredients.

Me:

MOAR COFFEE. And OK, maybe a Tesco’s Finest Breakfast Bar, if I feel like pushing the boat out. (Seriously, though: who can be bothered cooking first thing in the morning? Or, you know, EATING? Why am I never hungry when I wake up? Oh, wait: it’s because I skip the whole ‘ten mile run’ thing, isn’t it?) Thought so.

The Others:

Shower and dress for the day.

Me:

COFFEE FOR THE DAY. Also, still at my desk in my workout gear.

The Others:

Sit down to consult planner and ‘To Do’ list, before making a start on the day’s tasks.

Me:

Sit down to consult ASOS and Net-a-Porter.

My phone figures largely in my morning routine

The Others:

Methodically work through the To Do list, stopping only for appropriately-scheduled breaks, and never once procrastinating.

Me:

Methodically refresh the ASOS website to see if that dress I want is back in stock yet. Take breaks to look at Instagram, Pinterest, and maybe even Facebook, depending on my mood, and how determined I am to avoid doing anything productive.

The Others:

Break for lunch (nutritional, Pinterest-worthy…), while congratulating self on another productive morning.

Me:

Realise it’s lunchtime, and I still haven’t showered, dressed, or done any work. If I’m lucky, though, I WILL have bought that dress, and that’s the main thing, right? Right?