Amber Vs Philip Kingsley Elasticizer: A Play in Three Acts
ACT ONE: It Begins
Scene 1: A generic, blogger-bedroom, decorated in shades of pink and grey. AMBER is sitting at the dressing table, staring disconsolately at her refection. Her hair appears to have the texture and consistency of straw.
AMBER: I don’t know… it’s like, my hair used to look OK? But now my head looks a bit like that old sofa I saw abandoned by the side of the road that time, with all of the stuffing falling out of it. I expect an eye-wateringly expensive hair product is the answer to this problem, and, even if it isn’t, I think I’m going to buy one, anyway!
Scene 2:The same room. Amber is still sitting by the mirror, however, she now holds an iPhone in front of her, with the ASOS app open on the screen. In a move that’s clearly familiar to her, she expertly navigates to the beauty section, and hovers over a product. It is PHILIP KINGSLEY ELASTICIZER EXTREME.
AMBER: OMG, this is £32! I’ve literally had haircuts that cost less than that! Still, it’s got to be REALLY good for that price, no? And it says it will add elasticity, bounce and shine, which is exactly what I’m looking for. I’ll add it to my basket! And also this Tangle Teezer detangling hairbrush… which, hmmm, is only for wet hair, so it looks like I’ll need this one, too? And now I’m spending an absolutely ridiculous amount of money on hair care, but, I mean, I guess I should see it as an investment? In looking like a mermaid? While I’m here, I might also just get this weird, knotted cushion. And, ooh! Is that a pair of those socks that make all the skin fall off your feet? GET IN MAH BASKET!
(Philip Kingsley Elasticizer Extreme is SO extreme it could not be allowed in the house for this photo.)
(ACT TWO: The First Application
Scene 1:A messy white kitchen. AMBER is pulling a weird, knotted cushion out of a large cardboard box, while TERRY looks on, bemused.
AMBER: Er, this cushion was all I got, seriously. Well, this cushion and a tub of £35 hair conditioner, which isn’t actually hair conditioner, it’s a pre-shampooing treatment that you leave on your hair for 25 minutes, then wash off, and after that, your dry, over-treated hair looks just like a mermaid’s!
Scene 2: The bathroom. Amber is reading the instructions on the back of the PHILIP KINGSLEY ELASTICIZER EXTREME tub, with her wet hair wrapped in a towel turban.
AMBER: OK, so I wet my hair, as instructed, then I applied the product, put a shower cap and a towel over my head, and now I’ve to wait 25 minutes, except I think I’ll just wait for, like, 40, because what could possibly go wrong?
Scene 3: The dressing table. Amber is, once again, staring at her hair in the mirror, only, this time, her hair looks like it’s been dipped in a vat of grease.
AMBER: Yeah. They really weren’t joking when they said I might need to shampoo twice to make sure all the residue was removed, were they? Like, I know I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes blow-drying it, but my hair still looks wet? And even my hands are sticky, just from touching it! And I don’t have time to shampoo it again now, so I’m going to have to go out like this, having basically just spent £35, just to make my hair look even worse than when I started. Well, I have learned my lesson! I will never, ever do this again!
NARRATOR: But Amber did, in fact, do it again…
ACT 3: The Second Coming
Scene 1: The now-familiar dressing table, with AMBER sitting in her towel turban, clutching the tub of ELASTICIZER EXTREME.
AMBER: So, I expect the problem here was that I applied too much, and left it too long. This time I’ve applied it much more sparingly, and only to the ends, so what could possibly go wrong now?
Scene 2: Bedroom. Mirror. A hairdryer now lies on the dressing table, along with the two hairbrushes from the ASOS order. Amber’s hair looks reasonably normal at the roots, however the ends of the hair, once again, look like they’ve been dipped in grease.
AMBER: And NOW I’ve learned my lesson! Never, ever again will I spend a large amount of money on a product I know probably won’t work! Would totally get another one of those cushions, though.
She turns around to look lovingly at the weird, knotted cushion, which sits triumphantly on the bed, unsullied by its association with the tub of ELASTICIZER.
Fade out on a shot of the tub of PHILIP KINGSLEY ELASTICIZER EXTREME sitting in the trash. It is hard to avoid the thought that it would’ve been quicker and easier – if not any cheaper – for Amber to have just thrown her £32 directly into this bin, thus skipping all of the above. We would like to think she’ll do that next time, except we know she definitely won’t, will she?