In yet another ‘new year/new me’ inspired moment of madness, this week I decided to start doing yoga.
This was quite the plot twist for me, because, honestly, I hate yoga. It’s so spiritual and earnest, and it’s like, no, Sandra, I don’t want to be ‘more present’ in my body, I just want to be able to do some cool handstands and shit. When do you think I’ll be able to start doing that?
But in the same way that the new year has made me want to turn myself into the kind of person who can play the piano and sing like Adele, I decided I also wanted to be bendy. So I downloaded an app called Down Dog, and I added a daily yoga session to my daily piano practice, and my daily walk (Now with added weights!), and that was when I realized I’d possibly taken this whole new year/new me thing too far, because now I have all this STUFF I have to do every day, and seriously, HOW? How do people find time for self-improvement? Or even just hobbies? On top of all the housework, and the ACTUAL work, and the self-care work, and the drinking-two-litres-of-water-every-day work? HOW, though? And why does everything start to feel like work eventually?
I think the problem for me with all of this is that I’ve yet to find a hobby/resolution I actually enjoy for itself, rather than simply for the results I’m hoping to get from it. So I don’t actually want to do yoga every day; I just want to be able to do stuff like this:
And I don’t want to learn to sing, either: I just want to be able to walk around my house singing, and not feeling embarrassed about my voice. And having people tell me how good I am at singing. Or at yoga. Or, you know, something. I just want to be good at something. But I ideally want to be naturally good at it, so I can do it without any real effort on my part. IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?
(No, really, is it?)
Maybe yoga isn’t going to be my thing, though. Maybe piano isn’t either. (I already know it’s not singing. Trust me, I’ve heard myself.) Maybe it’s something else. But how will I know what it is? What if it’s something I haven’t even thought of yet, like finger tutting, say, or ferrofluid art? (Is there an app for that, do you think? Should I get it?)
Even worse, though, what if I find the thing I’m naturally good at, and it’s too late? Like, what if I could have a been a prima ballerina if I hadn’t quit ballet lessons right after the dance show, on the grounds that if I wasn’t going to get to be on stage again for a while, I couldn’t see the point? (See ‘I don’t want to do the work, I just want people to admire me,’ above.) But now it’s too late, because even if I started lessons right this second, I’d still have missed my big chance to dance professionally, and will instead just have to live with the knowledge of all that wasted potential? What if, people?
(Alexa, play ‘Wasted Time’ by The Eagles…)
And, OK, I’m being just a little bit facetious about this, obviously. I don’t actually think I could have been a ballerina. (I could still be a renowned finger-tutter, though: watch this space!) The older I get, though, the more time I spend thinking about all of the things I haven’t tried yet, and how sad that is, because what if there’s something out there I could really have excelled at, and, instead, I’ve just spent my entire life being mediocre at things I was never destined to do in the first place? These thoughts become especially intrusive at the start of a new year; or at the end of an old one, when social media starts to fill up with posts about what an amazing! fantastic! year! everyone’s had, and I’m just sitting there musing on the fact that yet another year has passed without me uncovering a surprising hidden talent for fire dancing or insect taxidermy.
“Do you think we should get him piano lessons?” I asked my husband as Max unwrapped his new electric keyboard on his birthday. “To find out if this is the thing he’s going to excel at?”
I said this, but I think what I really meant by it was, “What if I die without ever discovering the thing I excel at?” Which would have been a really quite intense question to ask in the middle of a 6-year-old’s birthday party, even for me.
Terry shook his head. We can’t afford piano lessons for Max; and, even if we could, it probably wouldn’t be a great idea to commit to them without knowing if he even has an interest in the piano, much less a talent for it.
Which brings me to my next question: is it always about innate talent, I wonder, or can most things be learned, if you put enough effort into them? I’ve always wondered this. Like, would Andy Murray have always been great at tennis, say, even if his mum didn’t happen to be a tennis coach? Could I have been great at tennis if I’d had the right coach? And, if so, does that mean I could potentially still be great at singing/piano playing/yoga/something I haven’t even thought about yet, if I just put in the effort?
I hope so. Because it would really suck to think that all these self-improvement apps I’ve been downloading (and sometimes even paying for) are just a waste of time and money, and that I could have spent the time doing something I really want to do instead, wouldn’t it?
With that said, though, the only thing I really WANT to do every week is to read books and drink wine: not necessarily together, but that works for me, too. (Is there an app for that? Please let there be an app for that…) And although I used to think that writing was my talent, the last few years, and steady decline in my career/finances, have served to disabuse me of that idea, because if I was that good at writing, we probably wouldn’t be having to sell the camera this month in order to make ends meet, so… yeah.
And I think that’s the crux of it, really, this sudden urge for self-improvement. It’s not really about New Year’s Resolutions. I think it’s probably just a weird kind of reaction to the overwhelming sense of failure that hits me every time I look at my bank balance, or my Substack dashboard, or my book sales. Or when my husband tells me we definitely won’t be going on holiday this year, or that we need to sell something to pay the bills. It’s a bit like how, any time I feel like my life is going to shit, I start frantically cleaning my house, just so I can feel like I’m in control of something, even if it is just the kitchen worktops, or the state of the laundry basket.
It’s very hard to feel like you’re failing in every single aspect of your life. So I guess I’ll just keep working my way through the self-improvement apps, in the hope that at some point something will finally click, and I’ll be able to say, “You know, I may not be a Substack bestseller, but just look how good I am at lock-picking!” Or at ferret-legging or belly-button-lint-sculpting. (Okay, actually, no, those last two are taking it too far. Let’s just stick with the yoga for now.)
I can but hope.
Gem
01/31/2024If I download (and read) your books via prime unlimited do you still get paid? I’ve been following you (well that sounds creepy) for over a decade so want to make sure I’m actually supporting you when I do get around to that resolution to read more books.
Amber
01/31/2024Yes! I get paid for each page read on Prime and Kindle Unlimited – thanks so much for asking, that’s so lovely of you to want to support!
Melissa
01/31/2024I’ve spent far too much time thinking about this (my life is very boring), but as a serial returner of clothes also a bit worrying. I’ve been wondering about possible explanations and I can’t help remembering the weird incident where I had a package delivered for an online order that had clearly had something odd happen to it. Although the item I’d ordered was fine, there was a very badly photocopied note saying my parcel had been damaged in transit and to phone royal mail on X number if damage to item and also inside was an additional item, clearly worn and old, not from the retailer. The whole thing was bizarre, but my item was fine, so I did nothing. But now I’m wondering if someone is intercepting parcels and opening them… I have a suspicious mind 😂
Amber
01/31/2024Wow, that’s so bizarre! I can’t even imagine how that could happen?! (I will definitely be trying to imagine it now, though – gotta love a good mystery!)
I’m also a serial returner (not proud, I just really struggle to find stuff that fits me properly), and I’ve also noticed lately that I’ve been having to “prove” that I’ve returned stuff quite a lot lately; not just with ASOS, although they’ve definitely been the worst for it. Until now, I’d had very few issues with returns, in years and years of shopping online, so it does feel like something has changed lately. On the plus side, it’s really forcing me to cut down on how much I buy, which can only be a good thing, but it’s annoying when there’s something I really want to buy, and I don’t like anywhere near the store!
mary
01/31/2024Online customer service is abysmal lately. I had problems with Zalando some time ago, stopped using it after they sent me a defective item for the second time in a few months (first was a pair of trousers with a broken zip, second a sweater with a hole), and after I was refunded by them and told not to send the item back (I contacted customer service both times to warn them that since I’d received a defective item, I’d be sending it back like that for that reason). After all this, they took away all my payment options except for an instant bank transfer because, according to them, I had abused of their return policy. So, to get this straight: I received 2 defective items because their quality control didn’t check, I tried to be as transparent and honest as possible in warning them that I’d be returning a faulty garment because it’d already arrived like that, and my honesty resulted in me getting blamed and penalized for someone else’s error? Nah, never shopping at Zalando ever again.
These big brands either need to step up their quality control game or they will lose clientele. Having customers who steal from them is no excuse to steal themselves from the loyal, honest customers.
Amber
01/31/2024That’s awful – and this kind of thing seems to be becoming more common, unfortunately, where brands send out sub-standard clothing, then try to blame the customer when they return it. It’s just going to make it impossible to shop online!
Ana Paula
02/02/2024I’m still thinking there will be no stains or even strains in it. The same way they claim not receiving your reruns and you have to prove using the tracking numbers, I believe they either mixed up the orders or just gave a lame excuse to not accept the return.
Amber
02/02/2024I just posted an update on Instagram – got the trousers back this morning, and there were indeed stains in the crotch 🤢🤢 They’re high-waist trousers and I had to literally turn them inside out to find it, which is why I obviously didn’t notice them before… Not really sure what to do now because short of having them DNA tested, there’s no way for me to prove it wasn’t me 😫