6 Things I’ve Never Done
[AD: This post is sponsored by Yelloh! Village]
You know how there are some things in life that pretty much everyone has done?
I’m taking here about things so commonplace that when someone mentions one of them, everyone else instantly knows what they’re talking about and relates to it? Yeah, I’ve hardly done any of those things. Here are just a few of the things you’ve probably done, but which I can only imagine…
People are always telling me I should go camping, because I would LOVE camping- it would be SO much fun! And I, in turn, am always telling the people who are always telling me I should go camping that they’ve obviously mistaken me for someone significantly less high-maintenance than I am, because if I can’t plug in my GHDs, I don’t want to know, basically. ‘Roughing it’ is SO not my idea of fun: so, if I ever DID go camping (And I’m not saying I ever would…), it would definitely have to be glamping rather than camping – with the emphasis firmly on the glam. It would also have to be in some kind of structure other than an actual tent: like one of these little cottages at the Yelloh! Village campsite in St. Tropez, for instance:
(Oh, and it would also have to be somewhere like St. Tropez, obviously: somewhere warm and dry, and where the chances of me having to stand shivering in a communal shower block were absolutely non-existent. Did I mention I’m a bit high maintenance?)
Believe it or not, this IS actually a campsite (As well as the cabins, there are also pitches available for tends and caravans), but it’s the kind of campsite where the cabins have their own jacuzzis, and the kitchens come complete with Nespresso machines. So, MY kind of campsite, in other words.
Did I mention that it also has a pool? And a spa? Because, yes, those too:
And this, of course, is just one of the campsites: Yelloh! Village has a huge network of luxury campsites across Europe, all of which are worlds away from the kind of “damp tent” experience I normally associate with the word “campsite”. Some even have facilities like waterparks and saunas on site, so there’s a firm emphasis on luxury, and the kind of accommodation that even I could get on board with. Probably.
But I was talking about things I’ve never done, so here are some more of them:
Ridden a roller coaster
Or not a proper one, anyway: I don’t think the ‘kiddie coaster’ Terry once persuaded me onto in Florida counts, somehow (I spent the duration of the 2-minute ride screaming that my neck was going to snap, and telling Terry that if I survived, I was going to kill him…), and Big Thunder Mountain probably doesn’t either. Big Thunder Mountain is pretty much my limit when it comes to thrill rides: anything bigger than that and my stomach starts churning just to look at it. I know that if I ever actually went on one (And I can’t even imagine how much you’d have to pay me to do that, seriously), the sheer terror would outweigh any element of “thrill” for me. And I’ll let you into a secret: even Big Thunder Mountain is almost more than I can stand on the “scare” factor…
(I also have regular nightmares about being on Splash Mountain. Which isn’t even a roller coaster…)
Cooked dinner for a large group of people
On TV and on the internet, people are always inviting each other round for a nice, home-cooked dinner. I have never in my life offered to cook dinner for someone: I mean, I’ve had people over for dinner – which I’ve happily ordered in – but cooking for a large group? I’m breaking out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. I’m a terrible person, I know.
Bought a lottery ticket
I THINK I might have bought a scratch card once, for the sheer novelty of it, but the only lottery I’ve ever entered is the U.S. Green Card Lottery, the rules of which used to allow people of Greek parentage (Terry) and their spouses (me) to apply for a Green Card. That loophole closed a few years ago, and my lottery-playing days are over. I dunno, I just think the chances of actually winning it are so slim there’s not much point: and sometimes NOT playing the lottery – but knowing which numbers you’d chose if you did – is just as much of an edge-of-your-seat thrill, you know?
Had a massage
This is another thing people are always telling me I’d absolutely LOVE, but I just… I can’t imagine HOW, really? I mean, I’m awkward enough in new situations, without the added complication of being, a) Naked and b) Expected to lie on my front while a complete stranger manhandles me. Seriously, I even feel awkward at the hair salon (How do you make smalltalk above the sound of the hairdryer? When is the appropriate time to give a tip, and how do you do it without making it seem like you’re trying to do some kind of dodgy deal in a back alley or something?), and I’m fully dressed then, so, yeah. I’m sure the actual massage itself would probably be just as good as everyone says it would be, but I’m also sure I’d be dead from the sheer awkwardness of it all before it even got started, so I will never know. As George Ezra once said, what a terrible time to be alive if you’re prone to over-thinking…
Seen all of the movies other people have seen
Hi, I’m Amber, and I’ve never seen Rocky. (Any of them.) (Er, there’s more than one of them, right?) Or The Godfather. Or any movie involving superheroes. Most shockingly (According to everyone I’ve ever met, basically…), until last year, I hadn’t seen a single one of the Disney / PIXAR type movies, like Toy Story, or Finding Nemo or whatever. I’ve now seen Moana and Frozen, and I’m guessing that, as Max gets older, I’m probably going to be seeing all of the rest of them, too, but, until that happens, there remains a huge gap in my movie knowledge, and most cultural references involving them go right over my head.
OK, your turn: what totally commonplace things have YOU never done?