Things I Thought While Trying Aveda Dry Remedy Conditioner and Damage Remedy
SCENE 1: Bedroom. AMBER is lazing in bed, probably looking at Instagram or some other such nonsense. TERRY enters, accompanied by RUBIN, and tosses a mysterious brown package on the bed.
TERRY: You’ve been online shopping again, haven’t you?
AMBER: Not I! This will be those Aveda samples they said they’d send me. Apparently it’s some of their “hero” products.
RUBIN: Did someone say “hero”? I AM HERO. Pick me up and place me on the bed!
[TERRY picks up RUBIN and places him on the bed. RUBIN immediately loses his mind with joy. ]
AMBER: See, I don’t normally use expensive hair, products, but I had this idea that I’d …
[TERRY quietly leaves the room]
… start a little series on my blog, where I’d review different hair products and see if they really ARE better that the stuff I usually buy. It’ll answer important questions like, “Is high end hair care really worth the money?”, and ‘How long can I seriously expect to keep treating my hair like this, without paying a terrible price?”, but more importantly, it’ll give me an excuse to buy lots of expensive hair products, and maybe one of them will make my hair look like Emma’s in Once Upon a Time, only I think Emma might have extensions, actually. Do you think Emma in Once Upon a Time has hair extensions?
[AMBER looks up and realises that TERRY is long gone. ]
AMBER: Oh well: I guess it’s a good job he left before I got to the bit about spending lot of money on stuff for my hair!
[TERRY immediately puts his head around the door.]
TERRY: Did I just hear you say, “Spending lots of money?”
AMBER: Er, no. I said… “You smell like honey.” To Rubin.
[They both look at Rubin, who is licking his own butt. TERRY exists, stage left, leaving AMBER alone with her package, which she rips open excitedly.]
AMBER: Hmmm. They’ve sent me “Dry Remedy” conditioner. Which is awkward, because my hair is not dry, but actually quite greasy. I expect they thought I had dry hair because of all of the heat styling I’m always banging on about.
[Amber rummages in package some more, and produces a tube of Damage Remedy Daily Hair Repair.]
AMBER: OR they just think my hair looks really dry and straggly. Does my hair look dry and scraggly?
RUBIN: Er, I’m a dog? Why would I care?
AMBER: Actually, now I think of it, my hair IS pretty dry at the ends. I will try this Dry Remedy and see what happens!
RUBIN: Whatevs, dude. I’m just here for the dog treats I know you keep in the drawer…
* * *
SCENE 2: The shower. AMBER, who looks a lot like Miranda Kerr in this scene, just FYI, is opening the CONDITIONER bottle.
AMBER: (to self) I just don’t think this will work. I mean, I never notice a difference between one conditioner and another, which is why I always just buy the cheapest one I can find. This one is, like, £22 per bottle, so actually, I really HOPE I don’t like it, because then I won’t want to buy… ooh! It smells amazing! Damn: I hope this isn’t going to make me want to buy £22 hair conditioner every week – although, to be fair, it IS quite a large bottle. Maybe two weeks’ worth? If I’m stingy with it, and just put it on the ends? Which I should probably do anyway, seeing as the ends are the bits that are dry. OK, here goes!
* * *
SCENE 3: Bedroom. AMBER sits at the dressing table, working the Damage Remedy through the ends of her hair.
AMBER: Now, THIS is more like it. I mean, I use heat on my hair every single day, and I don’t do anything to protect it, no matter how often people tell me I should. So, according to the tube, this will “Help protect from heat styling and detangle to help prevent further damage.” Sounds like a plan!
AMBER’S HAIR: It’s about bloody time! Every day I get subjected to the hair dryer, then the stupid Babyliss Big Hair, or the heated rollers… lately it’s been those infernal GHDs, with their HOTHOTHOT plates. Does she ever do ANYTHING to protect me from all this? NO. Does she ever thank me for putting up with it all? NO. Does she ever buy me a nice, deep conditioning treatment, to make me feel better? AS IF. She’s a stingy, stingy girl, and one day she will pay the price of all this heat styling, you mark my words!
* * *
Scene 4: Bedroom, later. Amber has just finished blow-drying and styling her hair, and is looking in the mirror.
AMBER: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest… Whoops! Wrong story! So, this has worked out better than I’d hoped. I mean, I was expecting it to make my hair super-greasy, like almost EVERYTHING does, but nope – hair feels normal. And OMG, hair smells amazing!
[Swishes hair a few times while sniffing the air like a bloodhound.]
AMBER: Also, the ends feel less crunchy than they usually are when I curl them, so I guess the Damage Remedy helped – and it DID detangle it, too, which is always good. Can’t say I’m noticing any difference from the conditioner, but *whispers* I never really notice much difference between different brands of conditioner, which is why I always buy the cheap stuff. Because if I had to pay £24.50 for every tube of conditioner I bought in a month, that would cost me…[Amber does the ‘Joey-from-Friends-doing-maths-in-his-head’ face while trying to work this out…]
AMBER: That would cost me, like, £50 per month, assuming I can make it stretch for two weeks!
[AMBER falls to the floor in a dead faint. Fade to black.]