Four Ways I Suck at Doing Christmas

Well, I’m pleased to announce that the Christmas shopping is complete. Is not wrapped, obviously, and is not NICE, but is at least complete, which is, I think, probably the best that we can hope for here. I’ve somehow managed to make a particularly bad job of Christmas this year, and have once again bought a selection of gifts that no one will want*. I mean, it’s probably not going to be quite as bad as that one time when my dad bought my mum a kitchen-roll holder** for her birthday, but, y’know, almost.

So, this morning Terry and I hit the shops, and I walked around in a panic, pulling things randomly off shelves and then paying for them. Oh well, I’m sure Terry’s brother will love the pale pink negligee. Maybe he could use it to clean his motorbike or something? And it’s the thought that counts, no? NO?

Other Bah-Humbugy things you don’t need to know about me but I am going to tell you anyway:

1. I never send Christmas cards

I used to send them when I was at school, and when I worked in an office, but now? Not so much. Why? Dunno, really. I think I just don’t see the point. Or no, actually, scratch that, I thought of a better one: it’s because I am very busy and important and I totally don’t have time to sit and write my name on dozens of bits of cards, just so that people can go, “Oh, that’s nice,” and throw it in the bin in a week’s time.

Also: I am lazy. If any of the neighbours send us a card I will normally scrawl our names on one too, and sneak it through their door under cover of darkness, but that’s mainly so they don’t knock down my fence no more. So, sorry, people I don’t send Christmas cards to! It doesn’t mean I don’t love you! Please don’t hate me.

2. We don’t own a Christmas tree

Nope, no tree here, move along please. DON’T TELL TERRY’S MUM WE DON’T HAVE ONE or she will buy us one. Why don’t we have a tree? Er, because we have no where to put one? And because if we put one up we’d have to also take it back down, and we’re too lazy for that? Ooh, no, I know! It’s because we don’t normally spend Christmas at home. Have I redeemed myself yet? Even a little bit?

3. I still haven’t bought gift tags for our presents

Number of years I have been forgetting to buy gift tags: 3
Things I have been using instead: coloured paper, cut up Christmas cards. (See, we do buy Christmas cards, we just don’t use them. Other than as gift tags.)

4. I used to make excuses to get out of the office Christmas party***

Actually, I’ll go one better: I used to LEAVE THE COUNTRY at the time of the office Christmas party. The Canary Islands are really nice at that time of year, you know.

So, yes, awful, isn’t it? In my defence, I’m actually really looking forward to the holidays. LOVE Christmas. HATE the rest of December. Stupid month. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have about fifty gifts to wrap…

* Except Rubin, obviously. We managed to find a rather camp looking dog bed which he will LOVE, I know it.
** It was a pretty fancy-pants kitchen roll holder, though. Really, I don’t know what all the fuss was about?
*** Except the ones the call centre I worked weekends in held. Those were the BOMB. In fact, if it wasn’t for a certain office Christmas party, Terry and I might not be together now!

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books by Amber Eve