Secret Diary of a Failed jedi

The Diary of a Failed Jedi, Age 7 – 8 | Part 2

Back in December, I brought you part 1 of my very first “diary”, in which my six-year-old self obsessed over Star Wars, and her gran’s dog, Snoopy.

Well, now it’s time for part 2: with apologies to my parents, who will be mortified afresh by entries like this one…

Rusty gets a friteRusty Gets a Frite

Thursday 29th September

We are looking after to dogs for a week. One is called Snoppy [Er, SNOOPY, I think you’ll find...] and one is called Rusty. One day Rusty pumped [farted] he got such a frite that he jumped up and ran away to the other side of the living room. When Rusty eats he gets his bowl all over the floor. When they have both finished their beef they go into each others bowls and eat the crumbs when they jump up on me they make me dirty.

[Yes, I really wrote an entire “news” entry about that one time my grandmother’s dog farted. I did that. And you thought this blog was bad for the over-sharing, huh? The illustration, by the way, appears simply to show the two dogs eating, so unlike the time Snoopy peed in the kitchen, and I created an artist’s impression of the act with my best crayon, you’re just going to have to imagine Rusty “pumping” – sorry.]

Lynn Gets a New Underskirt

Thursday, 24th October

It was Lynn Hamilton’s birthday party on Saturday. Jenny Wilkinson and I were invited to it I got Lynn an underskirt and Jenny got her a pair of pants and a vest. [Just what every 7 year old wants, then…] Her cake was a house and garden. We played hide the thimble but we did not hide a thimble we hid a sweet and the person who found it got to eat it.

[God, poor Lynn, huh? I mean, even with the whole “sweet instead of thimble” thing, that still sounds like a rubbish birthday party, no? And, I mean, you can tell our mums were the ones responsible for the “underskirt, vest and pants” gifts, can’t you? I remember one time, I was invited to the party of a boy I REALLY liked at the time and my mum insisted on buying him a pack of VESTS. VESTS, people. “His mum will appreciate these, though!” was her excuse: meanwhile I legit hoped I would die before the day of the party…]

HalloweenHalowen – like Halloween, only not as good

Tuesday 1st November

It was Halowen yesterday. And we had a small party just for Jenny and her two little brothers and myself. [I’ve gone all ‘posh’ here for some reason. “Yeees, just a small, bijou little gathering for Jennifer and myself…”]. Jenny’s littlest brother Steven just lifted an apple or monkey nut out of the tub and then let it fall back in. [Which was not the point, STEVEN.] I dressed up as a fairy becos Jenny and I were fairys in the galaday.

Rusty Does It Again (Not the Pumping, Though)

Thursday 3rd November

We are looking after a dog called Rusty [He of “pumping” fame…] He is my grannys dog. One day my mummy went to Bathgate and when she came back Rusty had scraped the paint of the kitchen door. And it had just been painted. He done this beacause he just sleeps on a plide. [A plaid rug] My other gran has got a dog aswel and he has got a basket to sleep in when he comes to stay with us. So we got Snoopys bed up to our house for Rusty to sleep in. So now he is all right.

[I mean, this certainly explains a lot about Rusty’s motivation, but is anyone else wondering where Snoopy slept while Rusty had his basket? Or if I’ve finally gotten over my obsession with having “tea” at my gran’s? Well, wonder no more, folks…]

Rusty is a bad boy


Thursday 10th November

I went to my grans on Sunday we get our tea at my grans [NO! YOU DON’T SAY!] but I could not eat it [OOOH! PLOT TWIST!] because I had a slak [loose] tooth. My grans dog Snoopy was laying on the top of my mum. My grandad has got a new television and I got to sit in the box. [Yeah, we didn’t have much, apparently…]. My anty Fiona is having a baby so my gran knitted a hat and a jacket. My anty Fiona has already got a baby.

[I dunno, I just feel like I’m trying to make some kind of point with all this, “But she already HAS a baby!” business, don’t you?]

Grandad's 42nd birthdayGranddad’s 42nd Birthday

Thursday 17th November

It was my grandad’s birthday yesterday he was forty two.* I got him a card that had a picture of two frogs going fishing. My grandad took the card out of the envelope upside down. And he said o they are comical. He opend my mum and dads present first and he said this is hankerchiefes and it was hankerchiefs. We said how did you know. Because it is always for the noses or the toses. Then he opend my present and before he opend it he said this is Roses chocolates. Because roses rhymes with noses. [It’s the way I tell them, isn’t it?] My mum told my gran that when I got up I got dressed while my mum was in bed and I got changed and my mum did not tell me to do it. So my gran gave me a clock. [Random!] And at eight o’clock I get up and get dresed. Then I go and get my mum up.

[*So, yeah, there’s precisely NO chance my granddad was 42 here… He was, however, a shameless wind-up merchant, who knew I’d believe anything he told me, so I’m guessing I asked his age, and he took a good 15-20 years off it. One time he told me my leg had fallen off and rolled under the sofa, and it took my parents 5 minutes to stop me screaming, seriously…]

[Also, this was yet another entry that thoroughly embarrassed my mum, thanks to the implication that she just lay around in bed all day and left me to fend for myself. The words, “But don’t write about this in your news book, OK?” were used a LOT during my childhood…]

Happy birthday GrandadNew shoes

Thursday 24th November

I got a new pair of shoes on Saturday. I got them in Bathgate. Lynn got a pair of shoes on Saturday as well. My shoes are black patent shoes. Lynns shoes are leather with little leaf patterns. We had to go to a lot of shops to find the shoes. We went into Falkirk market but my mum did not like eny shoes there. When we came back we went into my grannys but when we were going home Rusty jumped into the car.

After Candlemas

Thursday 1st December

I went to the toy fair on Monday. I bought a toy monkey that holds onto you and it is very sweet. I also got four books. One of the books is called After Candlemas. It is very creepy. It is about a boy who was killed after candlemas.

The Love BoatThe 19th of Spring

Thursday 5th January

Jenny and I are going to do a ballet show of our own. We organised it all yesterday and i wrote a programme out while Jenny practised some dances. We are going to do some singing in our show as well. We were very busy yesterday and my mum said she thought that there was not any girls in the house. The show will be held on the 19th of Spring 1984. Lynn is thinking about doing some Highland dancing in the show but she is not sure. I am doing a dance on my own called the Love Boat. [Which sounds TOTALLY appropriate for a 7 year old, no?]

[And then I followed this up with an illustration of me as the star of my own show, surrounded by fans, showering praise down upon me, on the 19th of Spring, 1984 – a date that never actually arrived, sadly. Not impressed by the sarky little comment from the teacher, mind you, but ah well, haters gonna hate!]

The Box, Revisited

Thursday 12th January

I went to my grans on New years day and my gran has got a coffey maker. she used to have a sodastream but she gave it up to us. We all went to the market to get the coffey machine. One Sunday when we went to my grans they had got a new television and it was in a big box so my grandad said that I could take it home but it would not fit in the boot of the car so I played in it instead. On New Years Day I think we ate too much because we all had a swore tummy. We had crackers left over from Christmas so we pulled those. My dad got a little black moustash. And he has already got a moustash of his own.

[I just couldn’t get over that cardboard box, could I? I still think about it to this day, to be honest…]

reading the bible

Coma Camidian

Thursday 19th January

It has been very icey and snowy. My dad has to dig his car out of the drive. My mum and dad had a party on Saturday. I was in bed but my dad kept bringing me up cola and crisps he brought two biscuits. I was reading The Bible and My Giant Book of Fairy Stories. Some of the guests came into my room they thought I would be sleeping but I could not get to sleep for the noise downstairs. My mums friend sang Coma Camidian [Karma Chameleon]. And my mum and dad sang a song together. We did not get to sleep until half past 2 in the morning.

[So, there I was, just piously reading The Bible, while my parents’ drunken friends stumbled in and out of my room and kept me awake with their noise. Yeah, I’ve no idea why the school didn’t call social services either, but I’m guessing Parents Evening must’ve been a RIOT that year!]

[Er, I feel I have to point out now that despite how this sounds, my parents were NOT party animals (and nor were we religious, either): this was a house-warming party, and a one-off! As I said to my mum when I read this out to her a few weeks ago, though, they should actually be quite flattered by my depiction of them as a rather bohemian couple, with their raucous parties, their porn consumption and their lying in bed all day long, because the reality was absolutely nothing like that!]

Aunty Fiona's new babyAunty Fiona’s New Baby

Thursday 26th January

My aunty Fiona had a baby boy last Friday. It was ten pounds 14 ounses [OUCH!] and its name is Blair. We were very pleased that it was a boy because my aunty Fiona has already got a little girl [SEE? SEE? THE HELL WAS MY PROBLEM?!] called Bonnie who is three. When my Uncle Jerry came on the phone he was pretending to be calm. My mum said well what has happened my uncle Jerry said what do you mean what has happened. Has Fiona had the baby my mum said. O yes said my uncle Jerry. I had forgotten about that. My uncle Jerry and Aunty Fiona live in Canada and it feels as if you can just jump on the bus and go and visit them.*

[*It totally doesn’t, btw.]

* * *

There are actually a few more entries after this one, but they’re even more boring than the ones I’ve included here – like, no one pumps, or pees inappropriately, or anything – so I’m just going to end this one here. If you particularly want to read more from my younger self, though, you’ll find The Secret Diary of a Failed Showjumper here…

P.S. I write a weekly diary which goes out every Friday to my subscribers. Sign up below to get on the list...

books by Amber Eve
  • Omg, I just read the word ‘pumped’ and laughed my coffee out. Such a brilliant Scottish word! We had to learn the word ‘pump’ in our spelling class in Primary 4 and I’m sure the teacher made one of us come and write it on the board on purpose. And I love your drawings.

    How I wish I still had my primary school jotters! I had some great stories. In P3 we had to write them up first thing and we’d put a bit about what we’d done the evening before after school. One day the whole class wrote how my Granny had gotten stuck on the roof because we’d forgotten our keys (or rather she did!). A true story. And one the class heard about mainly because our teacher was involved in trying to get her down! I think there may be a post of my own due about this. The illustrations the rest of the class did were great.

    January 12, 2018
  • I am pretty sure I look weird sitting with my laptop and randomly laughing from time to time. Thank God it’s just me and my cat at home currently. I swear this is one of the funniest blog posts I’ve ever read in my life. A great thing to read on a sweater weather day! Also your comments are so incredibly entertaining Thank you for my daily dose of laughter!

    With kindness

    January 12, 2018
  • Marie


    This had me in stitches! I’m reading it on my lunch at work, and my colleague clearly thinks I’ve lost it! I actually don’t know what’s funnier – the stories or your comments looking back as an adult. I nearly choked on my soup at the 19th of Spring! Hilarious – you could honestly put this stuff into a book, it is soooo funny!
    Speaking of which, you might enjoy the book ‘Cringe’ which is extracts from people’s teenage diaries/letters/poems.

    January 12, 2018
  • Nellie


    These are precious! Thank you for the look back at your little seven year old self. I loved the one about the box:)

    January 12, 2018
  • Myra


    I’m very impressed at your seven year old writing and drawing skills.
    This was so funny, the cardboard box reminded me of my son who had to sit in and be pushed about in any box large enough to hold him. They are great for all kinds of role play. love the 19th of Spring too lol. Some more of these would be great, especially reading about your bed laying, porn watching party animal parents lol.

    January 12, 2018
  • Brenda


    You will soon find out that the box is way more valuable than the toy itself! Seriously, just buy your baby a bunch of boxes! They will bring him more joy and entertainment for a much longer amount of time than the contents ever will, trust me! Also, I was surprised to note that the sodastream existed back in 1984? Who knew? I thought it was a relatively newer invention! Love these old diary entries — we didn’t do journal entries in school when I was younger. The parents probably banned them!

    January 12, 2018
  • Erin


    Your description of the party is everything! If I had kids, I hope that’s how they’d see me : )

    January 12, 2018
  • Mairik


    Someone in the Edinburgh area once told me her child was howling and crying upstairs and when she went to investigate, she discovered a sort of projectile-diahorrhea disaster had occurred, whereupon the child in question howled, ‘But Mum, I JUST pumped!’ I have loved the word ever since; thank you for reminding me of it!

    January 12, 2018
  • Amy K


    My childhood journal wasn’t nearly as colorful and entertaining as yours, but I do still have my own copy of After Candlemas lying around. That’s a book title I haven’t seen in years!

    January 13, 2018
  • Fiona


    Thanks for this hilarious post! I was lying in bed nursing my baby and laughed so loud I woke him up at the party entry 😀 Totally worth it!

    January 13, 2018
  • I really don’t know what’s more hilarious, your childhood diary or your commentary on them! This was so fricking funny! And I learned a new term: pumped. Ha.

    January 13, 2018
  • The part with the Bible is hilarious! I can only imagine your teacher’s reaction when reading that…

    January 14, 2018