Four Sleeps to Go: She’s Not Got Bette Davis Eyes…

Because I know you’ve all been up all night worrying about the status of my RED WEALS (and let me tell you, I certainly have) I’m taking a break from my hectic schedule of FREAKING THE HELL OUT to update you. You will thank me for this one day when you, too, wake up five days from your wedding with eyes like a crack whore, trust me.

(Also: did you know that the top four results on Google for “red weals around eyes” are for this very blog? And that people search using that term every single day in life? People who do that – I’m so sorry that this blog has been unable to give you the help you need on the red weals issue. To be honest, it wasn’t much help to me either when I Googled “red weals around eyes”. Gah. After this week’s entries I fully expect to get me some more weal-related dominance on Google, which just goes to show that my life has not been wasted after all. Phew.*)

Anyway, suffice to say that, as per this entry’s title, I don’t have Bette Davis eyes this morning. No, I still got me the red, ugly eyes of the WEALS. They’re not quite as crack-whore-ish as they were yesterday, however, which tells me that one of the many potions I used on them yesterday is working. The question: which one is it? We may never know. The general consensus today, however, seems to be that this is, indeed, a stress-related thing, so I’m now trying to remain as calm and relaxed as possible – which actually isn’t all that easy when you have red weal eyes four days before your wedding, and you wake up to find that your dog has been violently sick all over his bed…

Also, I have been having fairly stressful wedding-related nightmares every morning for about a week now, and yes, I know it’s really boring when people insist on relating their dreams in tedious detail to you (“And then the chair turned into an elephant! And the elephant turned into Michael Jackson! And he ate me!”), but I’m going to do it anyway, albeit in the lazy blogger’s favourite format: the bulleted list. Here they are.

Wedding-related dreams I have had this week:

  1. The morning of the wedding. Terry announces that as a “surprise” he has bought us tickets to see The Eagles in Glasgow, that very morning. We will travel to Glasgow (1 hour), see the band, travel back, then get married. Because that wouldn’t be stressful AT ALL.
  2. The morning of the wedding. My parents arrive in a helicopter and announce that they’re taking me to visit Loch Lomond before the ceremony. Again: totally not stressful to try and do something like that right before the wedding, although, in their defense, they did have a helicopter.
  3. The first day of the honeymoon. We arrive at our villa (which now a poky little one-bedroom apartment – surprise!) and suddenly remember that we invited every single last member of both our families to join us on honeymoon. And they did. Doh!
  4. Continuation of the dream above. Terry and I want to go out for a nice, romantic meal on honeymoon. My dad won’t let us because he has cooked everyone steak pie and mashed potato. “No need to eat out AT ALL on this honeymoon when we can have steak pie here in the apartment every night!” says my dad. Quite.
  5. On honeymoon. Terry dives into the shallow end of the swimming pool. Terry breaks his neck. The End.

I wonder what tonight will bring? Anyway, now I must go and eat something, then relax. Terry, meanwhile, is currently packing his suitcase, so either he’s getting ready for the honeymoon, or he’s planning to leave me. At this point I have no idea which it is…

* I also rank pretty highly for the search term “pee in the woods”. I’m all about the over-achieving, me.

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books by Amber Eve