When I was in my early twenties, I was made redundant from my very first job – as a reporter on the local newspaper – along with our editor, who was leaving on the same day as me.
As my final day on the job approached, one of the girls from the advertising team came over to my desk and told me she was collecting deposits for a night out she’d been arranging for ‘the team’.
“Oh, thanks,” I said, feeling smug about the fact that I would no longer have to feel obliged to attend these kind of events. “But I think I’m going to give it a miss.”
There was a long pause as my colleague stared at me in confusion.
“It’s a party FOR YOU, Amber,” she said, clearly exasperated. “Well, for you and Eddie. It’s your leaving night?”
I swallowed nervously, horribly aware that I had literally just turned down an invitation to my own party.
Which, to be honest, was horribly on-brand for me.
I knew, of course, that it was the office tradition to throw a party for people who were leaving. I just … hadn’t assumed they’d throw one for me, was all. For Eddie (the editor), sure: he’d worked for the paper since it launched, after all, and was loved by everyone.
I, on the other hand, had only been there for two years, and was still only vaguely aware of who the members of the advertising time even were, having skillfully managed to avoid the majority of the team events they’d try to organize. It would be fair to say that I was not popular; in fact, had Eddie not been leaving at the same time as me, I’m not sure they’d have bothered to organize anything at all to bid me farewell.
But they had. And, I’m ashamed to admit that, even once this had been clarified for me, I STILL didn’t want to go.
“Is it the date that’s the problem?” said my poor colleague, who was obviously trying to make sense of why I’d try to get out of attending my own leaving night. “Do you have something else on?”
“Er… not really,” I was forced to admit.
This wasn’t, however, totally true. I mean, it was true to say that I had no big plans for the night, even though it was a Friday. But my then-boyfriend had a Friday night ritual of gaming with his friends; and, because I knew I wouldn’t be seeing him, I’d developed a little ritual of my own, in which I’d end the week by walking to the bookshop closest to the office, and buying myself a new book, which I’d then spend the evening curled up with, a glass of wine by my side.
I had big plans with a book, in other words. And I really, really didn’t want to have to cancel them in order to go to some party … not even one being held in my honor.
I … just wanted to read my book. On my own. Without having to talk to anyone.
And, although I did, of course, give in and go to that party, the truth is, I’d rather have been reading.
Which is basically the story of my life at this point.
It’s not that I hate parties or socialising. Or not all the time.
No, it’s just that I’m an fairly extreme introvert … which means that I pretty much only like socialising when it’s on my own terms: i.e. it’s something I’ve chosen to do, and know I’m going to enjoy. I love meeting up with my friends, for instance, and you’ll have a hard time getting me off the dance-floor at a wedding. But make me go out somewhere with people I don’t know, or who I’m not particularly close to, and, chances are, I’d much rather be reading. Or doing literally anything else that doesn’t involve other people. Or smalltalk. Or having to pretend to be enjoying myself when I’m actually just trying to figure out how soon I can leave without being rude.
As an introvert, I need a lot of downtime in order to stay sane. The best way I’ve heard the difference between introverts and extroverts described is that extroverts get their energy from other people, while introverts get their energy from being alone. That definitely makes sense to me. After a big event, for instance, I’ll feel completely drained, and will desperately need to ‘recharge’ by spending some time on my own (or with my immediate family, rather: I don’t need to be totally on my own…) My extroverted husband, on the other hand, is visibly recharged by socialising. He rarely drinks, and doesn’t take drugs, but I swear to God, you’d think he was high, listening to him talk at top-speed, all the way home … while I sit there silently in the passenger seat feeling like I’ve just done a full day’s work.
Unlike me, Terry seeks out every possible opportunity to be around people. Whereas I’ll wait until the street is empty before leaving the house, to minimise the chances of having to make smalltalk with a neighbour, Terry will deliberately time his departure to coincide with as many people as possible. He strikes up conversations with complete strangers. If I suggest going for a walk, or a day out, he’ll immediately start listing people we could invite along. He loves nothing more than hosting large parties … and there’s almost nothing I hate more. (Well, you can leave someone else’s party whenever you like, but you can’t just walk out of your own when you’ve had enough, can you?)
(OK, I DID actually once walk out of my own party, although, in my defense, it was a ‘surprise’ 21st that I’d told my friend I absolutely did not want her to throw for me – especially not in my own flat, which I couldn’t escape from. But, as it turned out, I could escape. And I did…)
I, by contrast, would almost always rather be either on my own, or with a small group of people I know well. I remember when I first started running, people kept on suggesting I join a club, or sign up for a race – and I was totally perplexed by this, because, for me, the best thing about running was the opportunity to be alone with my thoughts. Why on earth would I spoil that by surrounding myself with people? At university, meanwhile, my friends nicknamed me Cinderella, because I’d always want to be home by midnight, while they’d all happily remain in the club until it closed.
Every time I tried to force myself to stay longer, though, the same thing would happen. It’s almost as if, at some point my social battery hits zero, and my brain just goes, “That’s it, I’m out!” and shuts down because it just can’t handle any more stimulation. I know I’m starting to act “weird”, when this happens, and that people will probably notice (and, you know, hate me, and talk about me. “Did you see how WEIRD Amber was being at the end of that party? God, that girl, is a FREAK!”), but I just can’t seem to do anything about it, because my brain needs to be on its own now, thanks very much.
“But don’t you get lonely?” people always say when I’m forced to admit just how much of an introvert I really am. And, I mean, yes, I do: I get lonely all the time. The thing about that, though, is that I only ever feel ‘lonely’ when I’m in a crowd – never when I’m actually alone.
And that’s why, most of the time, I’d rather be reading…
Cristina
11/28/2014Lovely post, Amber! The part of people having various definitions of fun really struck home because, you see, I’m one of those hybrid extro/introverts (now it sounds like some sort of experiment) that loves people but can’t stand anything remotely party like after 9 o’ clock. If I could spend my days with coffee and books and talking to people about books and whatever not, I’d be so happy but somehow people always feel that if you don’t go out at midnight every Friday, you’re sad and alone. Which I’m most definitely not. Really, we should just accept it that we all like different things.
Amber
11/28/2014I’ve always found it so odd that some people just can’t seem to wrap their heads around the idea that not everyone is the same as them, and that that’s OK… there seems to be this assumption that THEIR way is the only way, and anyone who’s different is just plain “weird!”
Leila
11/28/2014Amber, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being an introvert. Everything you describe is exactly how I’ve always been, too, except that I’m not shy. But being able to and more interested in entertaining myself and reading rather than socializing has always been my m.o. Yesterday at Thanksgiving my mother asked me three times if I was okay because I was either staring into space or had physically separated myself from the crush of my mostly-extroverted family. I was fine; just needed some mental space!
I hope you find some serenity and space as December rolls along. ^_^
Amber
11/28/2014Oh, I hate those questions, especially when they’re asked in front of groups of people I don’t know well, and it’s like, “Spotlight on Amber, and why she’s not talking constantly!” Most of the time I’ll just be sitting there perfectly happily, too, but everyone wants to know what’s “wrong” with me, because they can’t understand why I’m quiet – aargh!
Stephanie
11/28/2014I’m quite shy and introverted as well. I’ve gotten more extroverted since I married my uber social extroverted husband though. I still much prefer a small gathering of close friends than a large party. I don’t even like large family holiday gatherings because it’s a huge room of distant relations (or distant relations of my husband which is worse) that I see once a year and don’t really know that well but they all know each other. I usually bring a knitting project with me so I can halfway pay attention to conversations but halfway be by myself. Definitely would much rather be home with a book!
Amber
11/28/2014I think distant relatives can be the most awkward people to deal with: the reality is that they’re almost complete strangers to you, but because they’re “family”, you’re expected to assume this forced intimacy with them (kissing hello, hugging, etc) which no one would expect you to have with an ACTUAL stranger – so awkward!
CiCi Marie
11/28/2014I completely agree with everything you’ve said here! I’m the same as you, quite shy and very introverted. I’ve literally never stayed out partying all night because that’s far too long in other peoples’ company, thanksverymuch. I love seeing my friends here and there but am the same as you – surprise visits when I had plans to be doing things all by myself really, really bother me. Oh, and I’m obsessed with reading. Reflected in my choice of career – as I work for a book publisher. And if I didn’t market books, I’d have been very happy being a librarian, I’m sure! No need to have awkward small-talk when the room’s supposed to be silent!
Amber
11/28/2014Funnily enough, book publishing was actually my first choice of career, for exactly those reasons – I’m sure it’s totally different in reality, but I imagined I’d be surrounded by “book” people, who would be like-minded souls, and, like, totally understand me and stuff 😉 Instead, I went into journalism, in which there’s really no room for introversion or shyness – thank goodness someone invented blogging, is all I can say: it’s basically the introvert’s dream job!
Sarah Rooftops
11/28/2014Oh, yes, to all of this! The lonely in crowds but never on your own thing? Spot on. I love all of the fun and festivities around Christmas but I much prefer the variety which involves hanging out with one or two or maybe three other people to the enormous group events – and, either way, by the end of it, I’m ready to head home and get some peace.
Amber
11/28/2014Same here: I actually really enjoy having small groups of people over, but Terry’s of the opinion that if we’re inviting a few people, we may as well ask ALL THE PEOPLE, because you can’t invite so-and-so, but not such-and-such, and if This One is coming, then That One should really be there too, and, you know, it’s been ages since Person A saw Person B, and they’ve been meaning to get together for ages… and before I know what happened, I’m having a party for everyone I’ve ever met, and wondering if anyone will notice if I sneak off to my room for a couple of hours 🙂
Erika
11/29/2014Another shy introvert with an extrovert partner! I get to add ME/CFS to the mix, and people are now quite used to me leaving for a nap (one bed if at home, one of theirs if out).
The one problem with loving books is that I keep running out of bookshelf space. Not sure how to fix that one….
Amber
11/29/2014That’s the main reason I got a Kindle – I resisted for ages, because I love “real” books, but I have hundreds and hundreds of them now, so there was literally no more room for them!
TinaD
11/28/2014I bring a Kindle to other people’s parties–is that terrible?–so I can sneak off to the patio (or the bathroom, or the pantry) for 20 minute bursts of not making smalltalk. Because I have this tattoo on my forehead, detectable to strangers, that says “share with me your miseries, your heartbreaks, your oozy medical complaints.” At least in a novel the anguish is there to advance the plot. At my own parties I lurk in the kitchen and cook while my husband holds court in the public spaces…(is there some rule, do you think, that says introverts must fall in love with extroverts, so that we can frustrate them and they can exhaust us until the end of time?)
Erika
11/29/2014Yes. I think that might be a rule 🙂
Amber
11/29/2014Haha, yes, that definitely seems to be the general rule! I guess it makes sense, though – if Terry was like me, we’d rarely leave the house, but if I was like him, we’d never get anything done!
Roisin
11/28/2014I don’t think I’m an introvert at all – at least, not by the standards of the many lists of defining introvert characteristics that seem to have flooded the internet in the last few years – but man, I FEEL YOU on the down-time in December thing. I came back from my parents’ house in January feeling like a nervous wreck after two and a half weeks of a family Christmas with little to no time alone. It turns out that I really need that time by myself to focus, to think random thoughts, to do whatever. I think we all do to a certain extent, I guess. I hope you’re able to carve out that time for yourself in the next few weeks to read those books, be alone with your thoughts and drink coffee.
Amber
11/29/2014I think staying with other people – even if they’re family – can be difficult for anyone, introvert or not! I guess even the most extroverted personalities still need at least SOME downtime, and it can be so hard to get that when you’re a guest in someone’s home!
Selina
11/28/2014I’m an extrovert with my friends and mainly an introvert with other people and I love downtime, I’d prefer to be in relaxing by myself or chatting online than going out much of the time. When I stay in I can stay up til 2 am but when I’m out, for some reason I can’t last past midnight even though I’m a night owl. I think it’s because other people and some environments exhaust me. It’s weird
Retro Chick
11/28/2014I talk like ALL THE TIME. And I’m pretty sure anyone who met me would say I’m an extrovert, but the truth is I feel a huge pressure at social events to keep things flowing and make sure everyone is having fun and I find it exhausting and also need lots of downtime to recover. I also have a tendency to drink too much to cover up the fact that I actually feel totally socially awkward, if I’m out and not drinking I’m always home within an hour and a half!
I think everyone is different and you’d be surprised how many people you think are the life and soul are actually wearing themselves out with their party faces.
This is in danger of becoming a blog post all of its own, so I shall sign off and return to watching Poirot from under a blanket, alone, on a Friday night 😀
Amber
11/29/2014Oh, I hear you on the “socially awkward” stuff! A lot of people are actually quite surprised to hear that I consider myself to be shy/introverted, because after a couple of glasses of wine I can be very gregarious and quite loud – then I go home and worry that I’ve been talking rubbish all night (which I probably have) ;D
Retro Chick
11/29/2014I do that too! I think everyone must think I’m such an idiot and hate me.
Gosh this is like group therapy!
Hazel
11/28/2014Have you read http://www.amazon.co.uk/Quiet-power-introverts-world-talking-ebook/dp/B0074YVW1G/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1417213427&sr=1-1&keywords=quiet+introvert ?
The authors TED talk is worth a watch as well http://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en
Mariana
11/29/2014Same here 🙂 I’m also not really shy, tho, but I’m often very quiet. It takes a while before I feel comfortable enough with a person to chat non stop, especially because my voice is always really low and often if I try to speak I know no one will notice. People are always surprised when older friends of mine “complain” that I just never shut up, when they’ve never heard me say more than a sentence…
Brit
11/29/2014Thanks for sharing so much of your personality. I’m not sure if I’m an introvert, but I’m quite sure that I really don’t like big parties or similar events. I got better in letting people not know about that as I got older, but if I could I would still like to run away than to participate. Nice to see that I’m not the only person feeling this way.
Ashlea
11/29/2014The more of you I read, the more I am convinced we would be great friends. Come on over, bring your pup, and a book and we can read in the presence of one another. I have tea. and coffee. 🙂 Happy holidays doll.
Ellesworth
11/29/2014Oooh, you’re reading ‘Rebecca’! What did you think of it? 🙂 Daphne Du Maurier is one of my favourite writers: I inevitably hate every single one of her characters but damn, she makes me care about them anyway, and her books haunt me for weeks.
Amber
11/29/2014I’ve actually read it quite a few times, although not for a few years – it’s an old favourite, but I just grabbed it here to illustrate the post 🙂
Porcelina
11/29/2014I hate it when a social life gets in the way of the books I’m reading, don’t they know that I can’t possibly get through all the books I want to within my lifetime anyway?! This week I’ve done well, I’ve finished reading 2 books, AND I went to a social event and mingled. The best of both worlds.
“Rebecca” is my favourite book, I have that edition.
P x
Liz Tea Bee
11/30/2014I’m quite shy and also exceptionally extroverted. I have both high need to socialize and a lot of social anxiety. I go mad if I go too long with out social interaction but I prefer smaller, quiet gatherings. I’d rather have 2 friends over for wine and board games than go to a big party.
When my best friend comes to visit we will hang out in my living room reading, occasionally pausing to share exceptionally interesting or funny bits. This is why she is my best friend.
Amanda
12/01/2014Being an introvert, while stressful, is something more people are understanding, so at least there is that! I think the key to holiday season like this is self care, so taking five mins before you walk in somewhere to mentally prepare could help. Something I do, because I am much the same as you and I absolutely hate small talk, is to not do any small talk. What makes it easier for me is to find something they are really interested in, and you are interested in, and learn about it through them. Makes things less boring and makes small talk less small. For emergencies though, carry a book in your purse haha!
Amber
12/01/2014For me, it’s not so much the events themselves that are the problem – like I said, I actually enjoy parties, and will look forward to them as long as I know the next day I’ll get some downtime to recharge! But if the next day there’s ANOTHER social event, then another, and another, and I know I’m not going to get much time to myself at all, I find it really stressful – I always look forward to the end of the party season 🙂
Sarah
12/01/2014Everything you’ve described is how I feel too. Like you, I enjoy social events when they are something that I want to go to but I hate not having any downtime afterwards. Thanks for sharing, it’s always comforting to know that I’m not alone!
Cristina
12/02/2014Well looking at the other comments, it looks like I’m in an odd category: shy and extroverted.
It’s tricky to explain, I do get recharged by going out and by being around other people, but I’m also very wary of trying not to be in anyone’s face too much or talking their leg off too much, which is where the timidness comes in.
The internal monologue runs a bit like this:
“Yay, a person!
Oh, but I’m awkward and annoying, and they shouldn’t have to suffer that at full blast, so I’ll just be quiet, or let them be when there’s a lull, so people more interesting than me can take over.”
Of course it’s not the same amongst friends.
With experience, I find I enjoy myself most at parties by giving myself ‘work’ to do , helping serving, cooking, setting up, cleaning up, anything. It’s a good excuse to move around and see everyone, a good excuse to join in a conversation, and a good excuse to get out of it again as needed.
Jenny Cleeton
12/09/2014Hi Amber,
I just stumbled acorss your blog recently and I love it. You inspire me in so many ways it is crazy. I have always found myself quite shy and similar but then I put on an act to pretend to people that I am actually really confident. This blog was lovely and such a nice read this morning.
I better get on with studying but I loved everything you said!
Jenny
Jenny Frances
12/10/2014Oh my gosh, I know exactly how you feel! I need my own downtime & alone time as much as some people need oxygen to breathe. It’s so refreshing and also such a relief to read this blog post, I was literally nodding my head along to every single sentence. Thanks so much for a truly fabbo blog,
Jenny xx
Georgina
12/11/2014The best way I’ve heard being an introvert described was at a blogging conference. The speaker summed it up by saying that if at the end of the day you were all buzzing with energy from all the people and wanted to make plans to go out and see more people that evening, you were probably an extrovert. If you’d had a great time, but actually quite wanted to go home and sit on the sofa with a nice cup of tea and a book and not speak to anyone that night…introvert. You like the socialising, you just need the quiet time after it!
Darlene
12/23/2014Hi Amber, I just found your blog and came across this entry. This is the best explanation of ME and how I work I have ever read. I am a double whammy as well – introvert and shy. I have read that the world consists of 75 percent extroverts so we are a minority. Also it’s hereditary but shyness is not. 5 siblings in my family all introverts but one sister who is an extrovert like my dad. She ALWAYS gets voted down
Kirstin
01/10/2015Totally feeling this post! As someone who, as a child, was often found hiding in the loo reading while the friends I had invited over played in my room, I’ve never quite got over the need to escape!
Shoma
09/07/2015I’m the same way! I must say, it annoys me that people view introversion as a flaw. Thanks so much for this post! Makes me feel better to know other people feel the same.