champagne glass

It’s my party and I’ll burn my face if I want to

On the morning of our much-anticipated house-warming/Christmas party, I woke up to the sound of Terry screaming expletives at Rubin at the top of his voice.

“I’m guessing this WOULDN’T be a good time to let the neighbours know we’re expecting around 30 cars to park outside their homes this evening, and oh yeah, there might be some music too!” I thought as I struggled into my dressing gown and raced downstairs to the hall… where I was greeted by the sight of one small turd and two mugs of coffee (one of which had spilled slightly) sitting on top of the once-perfect cream carpet, which had been shampooed just a few days earlier, in anticipation of us welcoming all of our closest friends into our home.

The turd was Rubin’s, naturally. The coffee was Terry’s. (Because this would’ve been a much, MUCH stranger story if it had been the other way around, wouldn’t it?) Terry had let Rubin into the garden to perform his morning ablutions, as usual, and Rubin had raced back into the house, run upstairs (with Terry in hot pursuit) and proceeded to do his, er, “business” on the carpet instead.

“And there’s another one in the office,” Terry said, appearing behind me as I stared, dumbfounded, at the evidence of this crime. “It’s right next to your desk.”

And then The Black Eyed Peas walked in and struck up “Let’s Get It Started”. No, seriously…

The thing is, Rubin NEVER does this. Well, not any more, anyway. It’s honestly been YEARS now since he used to pull this kind of, er, crap, on a regular basis, but, much like my Second Head, he seems to sense when would be the worst possible time to strike. I guess this must be what people mean when they say animals have a sixth sense?

“This reminds me of that time we were just about to head to the airport to pick up Stephanie [my best friend, who lives in England], and Rubin pooped all over the couch, remember?” I said to Terry as we begun the cleanup. “Or that time we got up at 4am to catch a flight to Greece, and Rubin had basically exploded in the kitchen.”

He KNOWS, is what I’m saying. In exactly the same way that my own body likes to curse special occasions with a Second (Head) Coming, Rubin likes to curse them with a delivery of his own. It is UNCANNY.

(And no, he is not ill, I promise. Please don’t write to me to tell me he is obviously dying, because I hate it when people do that, and he’s really not.)

“He’s either breaking bad just for the hell of it, or something has really frightened him out in the garden,” said my mum, in response to my “please come and get Rubin before Terry kills him,” email a few minutes later. This left me with two possible explanations:

1. Rubin has been secretly dealing crystal meth all this time, and we can probably expect a visit from the cartel sometime soon. (I’ve always suspected something like this was going on with him, to be honest. It would explain SO MUCH.)

2. There is something really scary in my garden. Which… isn’t much better, really.)

With the stage thus set, it was time for me to examine the wreck that used to be my face, which, as you will recall from my last post, now included three additional heads, plus a giant red burn mark. I headed to the bathroom to inspect the damage, and discovered that there was good news, and, OF COURSE, also bad news.

The good news: the three heads had diminished in size, meaning that I would be able to more-or-less cover them with makeup. ( I say “more-or-less”. As I noted in this post, my appearance tends to degenerate over the course of a day/evening, so I figured I would be able to begin the party with just the one head, but by the end of it, the other three would have re-appeared, and I’d just have to hope everyone was drunk enough to assume they were seeing double quadruple.

The bad news: my cheek still looked like this:


Yeah, you all totally thought I was exaggerating about that, didn’t you? Well, I TOLD YOU SO. And actually, this photo doesn’t really do it justice: in real life it was even redder and, well, uglier. My parents and Terry all made valiant attempts to do the whole, “No one will notice!” thing, but it was blatantly obvious that, YES, everyone would notice, so they switched to a “It’s what’s inside that counts!” tactic instead. Which really didn’t help, because, in my case, “what’s inside” can basically be summed up as “SHOOZ SHOOZ DRESSES SKIRTS EMOSONGS FLORIDASUNSHINE PUPPIES THEOTHERS SHOOZ.”

My face may not be all that,” I told Terry when he started the “just let your personality shine through!” pep talk again, but it’s pretty much all I’ve got here, and you know it. If I rely on my personality, I’ll just be whining about The Others all night, and no one likes that at a party, do they?”

And after that, Terry wouldn’t talk to me no more.

green Trashy Diva dressAs you can see from the (dark, grainy) photo accompanying this post, however, Cinderella did go to the ball, and for that she owes thanks to:

1. Industrial amounts of makeup

2. Very low-lighting

3. A cunning, “hair-over-one-side-of-the-face”‘do

4. Her beauty therapist friend, Lindsay, who came to the rescue with some “magic cream”, which arrived too late for the party itself, but which had the face back to almost-normal a couple of days later.

Oh yeah, and booze, obviously. For everyone else, I mean.

Luckily for me, by the time people started to arrive, I was able to completely forget about my stupid face and just enjoy the party instead. I’ve mentioned before that our last house was too small for us to entertain more than a few people at a time, but last weekend we had a houseful (and even enough room for some dancing), and it was really nice to see so many of our family and friends under the same roof. I think I can safely say the house has been well and truly “warmed”, and Terry and I both really enjoyed it. He’s now talking a lot about when we should throw the NEXT party. I, meanwhile, am just hoping I can get through the next year without burning my own face off again…

P.S. I write a weekly diary which goes out every Friday to my subscribers. Sign up below to get on the list...

books by Amber Eve
  • The continuing saga of that one time I burned my own face with TCP:

    January 6, 2014
  • Happy New Year
    I love the green dress – it is stunning. How did you burn your face – is it an allergic reaction?
    Love to both of you

    January 6, 2014
  • To my fellow redhead – we too have a sixth sense. Lol!!! Your dog was probably jealous and decided to show you that he needs more attention. My dog does that to me on occasion. Nothing to worry about. Hope your face is better.

    January 6, 2014
  • Happy New Year Amber! I think you looked stunning, and that you did a great job covering the burn. The most important thing is that you all had fun with your friends and family and that your burn is almost gone. 🙂

    January 6, 2014
  • Well that dress is simply stunning. And you look amazing. I didn’t notice it at all in the photos which is incredible because that last photo does look quite bad. How did you do it? Hope it heals soon.

    Happy New Year!


    January 6, 2014
  • Claire


    My charming dog waited until my whole family arrived at Christmas before vomiting all over the kitchen floor. They do know, they little rascals…..

    January 6, 2014
  • Courtney


    I think I just died! Love the dress!

    January 6, 2014
  • Amy


    You look so glamorous in your party outfit that I guarantee nobody gave a second thought to your (well-concealed) cheek.

    And dogs totally save it up for the worst possible time. The morning of my wedding, one of our corgis stepped in a mushy pile of dog poop in the yard, ran inside before we could stop him, and proceeded to gallop up and down our stairs at breakneck speed. My husband carpet shampooed our entire house before we headed to the ceremony.

    January 6, 2014
  • Stacey


    Animals *DO* know! My adorable Westie always had a knack for getting an upset stomach the day of an event. He’d whine the entire day while things were getting ready and then 10 minutes before the event started would vomit. And not just in one spot – he’d walk while throwing up so there’d be a trail all throughout the house! So I’d always end up apologizing – “Sorry the *entire* house smells of vomit. The dog is a bit upset.”

    As for me – without fail I just get migraines the day of an event. Where one eye swells up and starts twitching and pouring water. So it looks like I’m crying and spastically winking at everyone. And my internal personality is mostly “Shoes, nail polish, shoes, cats, OOHHHH SHINY THINGS!!!!, shoes, music no one else likes, and complaining about my neighbors” so that’s not really a good save.

    January 6, 2014
  • I have the solution! Next time, just let Terry plan the party without telling you until two hours before (so you have time to get ready, obviously). The extra heads will have no idea a party is about to happen. Problem solved! I am a genius. (or something).

    January 7, 2014
  • Jorunn


    I hate bloggers who are totally perfect all of the time. Your three extra heads, burnmark and dog poo, and being toatally honest about it, are part of what makes you lovable and funny, and not just “SHOOZ SHOOZ DRESSES SKIRTS EMOSONGS FLORIDASUNSHINE PUPPIES THEOTHERS SHOOZ.”

    What ruined my wedding was my grandfather having a stroke the day before (and dying 8 days later), so in some regards you’re lucky anyway. 😉

    January 7, 2014
  • Wow that dress is amazing, it looks stunning on you! 🙂

    January 9, 2014
  • THAT DRESS! Where is it from, please?

    January 10, 2014
  • You are so cute <3
    I love rour pics.

    January 18, 2014
  • Lars


    I also burned my face with TCP! Any clue on what your friend had in that cream to help it heal? Thanks 🙂

    January 27, 2015