Night of the Living Crabs

It happened again.

It’s the early hours of the morning, and I wake up suddenly to find a huge piece of machinery standing next to the bed: I have only a vague impression of what it looks like, but from what I can tell, it’s tall, and made of metal, and has this long arm protruding from the front of it. As strange as this thing looks, though, the strangest thing about it by far is the fact that it certainly wasn’t standing next to my bed when I went to sleep. In fact, it wasn’t anywhere in my house. Huh.

Barely have I had time to register the presence of this thing, however, than it swings into action, and I watch in horror as the “arm” rises up and propells something towards the bed. As the item lands, I realise what it is: it’s a CRAB. Well, I mean, what else would a mysterious metal contraption propel onto my bed in the middle of the night?

Well, I do what anyone would do at this point. I jump screaming from the bed, slam on the light (vaguely registering as I do so that hey, the big metal thing isn’t there any more, but who cares because CRABS IN THE BED, people!) and start yelling at Terry to “GET UP! QUICK! AAARGH!”

Terry, jolted awake by the bright light and the hysterical screaming, reacts as he always does to this kind of thing: he raises himself up on one elbow and regards me solemnly. “What. The. Hell?” he asks.

“ANIMAL!” I shriek, apparently unable to even say the word “crab”. “BED! BED ANIMAL!”

“No,” says Terry, very slowly, as if speaking to an idiot (which, actually, now you come to mention it…) “No there isn’t. There are no Bed Animals.”

And instantly I realise: he’s right. There IS no crab in the bed. Because I just dreamt it. Again. And woke up screaming. Again.

So, needless to say, all of this is getting a bit tiring, and I mean that literally: it’s hard to get back to sleep after a “crab in the bed” episode, don’t you find? I’ve always said that if you’re going to have a serious phobia about something, crustaceans are a fairly good one to pick, because it’s not like they figure largely in most people’s lives, (Well, not if you live in a land-locked area, like I do. If you were a lobster fisherman, say, then it would be a seriously inconvenient phobia to have.) but now it would seem that my brain has found a way MAKE them a big part of my life. And to also find a way around the one thought I always use to comfort myself in these scenarios: how would a crab get into my bed? It couldn’t! There’s just no way a crab could even get into the HOUSE, let alone my bed! It would have to travel for MILES across land, first of all, then it would have to somehow break into the house and make its way upstairs, and, you know, they’re smart, but they’re not THAT smart.

(If a crab did that, it would have to be pretty determined to get me, huh? Guess what I’ll be dreaming about tonight?)

My subconscious has found a way to make it happen, though. Crabs would get into my bed by being fired there by a giant “slingshot” machine. THEY HAVE HELP, people. The Crab Overlords have made machines their servants, and if they can do that, well, I’m not the only one who should be afraid, basically.

Why can’t I dream about puppies? Or kittens? Or maybe even those little dwarf hamsters I saw in the pet shop last week when we were in buying some supplies for Rubin, and which were omgcute. But no. I have to dream of crabs. OF COURSE I do.

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  • Holly Sweet


    I have had two really strange dream experiences as well! When i was younger i had a dream that i was in a movie theater and all of a sudden the doors start shaking and thousands of crabs start pouring in and overtake us all.

    Also- when you posted about re-inforced toe panty hose on Calvin Kline’s runway show a while ago, apparently that offended me deeply because that night i had a dream about it and said “Re-inforced toe!” in my sleep. My husband rolled over and, because he thought it was so funny, started asking questions about it hoping i would answer in my sleep, “is it strong??”.


    November 22, 2010
    • Haha, the second one is hilarious! I never imagined my posts would ACTUALLY keep people awake at night! (Although, honestly, I remember the post you mean, and those tights WERE pretty disturbing…)

      The first one is just unimaginably horrific, though. Crabs! In a theater! I’d take snakes on a plane any day…

      November 23, 2010
  • Tara


    Oh dear, I feel a little bad for this, but here goes: I had a hard time reading this post, because I was laughing hysterically. Bed Animals!

    November 22, 2010
  • Sandy


    I’m afraid to say I’m laughing at your plight too…I try not to but it is guffaw-some!

    Bed Animals!!

    November 22, 2010
  • Steph


    I’m also laughing, I’m afraid. It was ‘bed animals!’ for me too. I’m lucky that I don’t tend to dream about my phobias but my brain sometimes loves putting pictures of my phobias in my head for no reason (spiders in particular). I’ll be lying in bed, eyes closed, trying to get to sleep and my brain will say ‘You know the most distressing mental image you could get right now? Big fat hairy spiders! BOO!’ and I’ll suddenly open my eyes and sit bolt upright. And the more you try not to get a mental image of something… my brain hates me.

    November 22, 2010
  • Once when I was asleep my (overloaded) hat stand fell on my bed, onto my leg. It hit me really hard and when I woke up the arms of it looked verrrrry sinister. It was like Bed Animals for real.

    November 22, 2010
  • I totally get you with the whole bed animal thing, cause I’m petrified of leeches. Sometimes I wake up screaming from seeing my whole lower legs covered with those disgusting black creatures *shudder*. And it’s not like there’s a big chance that leeches could get in my apartment (on 5th floor) plus it’s winter outside, right? Right?

    November 23, 2010
    • Oh god, that sounds horrible. Of late, I’ve had a few horrible zombie dreams and the feeling of waking up with your heart pounding, your chest tight and then feeling like you need to sleep with a light on (which is ridiculous because all it would actually do is illuminate me, thus making it easier for the zombies to find me) is very familiar.

      Maybe you need to get a little crab soft toy? That way, the evil crabs know you’re a crab-sympathiser and won’t attack? This is the logic I use with my dad who doesn’t like rats. He thinks they’re going to take over the world at some point. My theory is that if he has a pet one that is well taken care of, he’ll be spared.

      Either way, I hope you get a good nights sleep soon. xx

      November 23, 2010
        • That’s actually a great way to keep yourself from snacking… I guess I should try finding a leach magnet or something – I sure wouldn’t be able to come close to that fridge!

          November 23, 2010
  • P.S. I find it utterly ironic that the little avatar next to my name on that comment is a little crab.

    November 23, 2010
  • Kirsty


    I had a dream a couple of nights ago that there was a lion roaming around in front of my office so I couldn’t get in to work. Think that was wishful dreaming!

    November 23, 2010
    • haha, yes, I’d have LOVED to have found a lion, or other obstacle standing in front of my office door back in the day!

      November 24, 2010
  • BethanyB



    I’m de-lurking because this reminds me so much of a dream I used to have that has actually given me a brand new phobia.

    I sometimes have shark dreams – where I’m treading water, right out in the ocean (for whatever reason). I know there’s a shark beneath me and it’s heading for me but I can’t see it.

    I’ve had this dream a few times now and it’s spooked me so much that I’m now scared of the sea.

    November 23, 2010
  • Well, in fairness, who wants bed animals?! I do understand the crab thing, though. I don’t have a phobia of them but they fascinate me in the horrible crawly way that insects do – like, I don’t want to be looking at them but if there’s one in front of me I’m sort of afraid to take my eyes off it. I’ve been dreaming lots about pigs recently – they kind of freak me out anyway, and Nic and I have been watching a lot of Deadwood (in which pigs are the main way of disposing of unwanted corpses. Yeah. Ick) and I’ve noticed a dramatic increase in dreaming about things eating me. Not good!

    That said, the other night I did dream I was on The Apprentice, and it was weirdly awesome!

    November 23, 2010
  • Ha ha… That was the crab that you ate sometime back that has come back to take revenge on you!!! Lolz!!! 😀

    November 25, 2010
    • Ha, it would be a cold day in hell before I would even CONSIDER eating a crab!

      November 25, 2010