13 Weeks Pregnant – Thursday, June 29th
13 weeks today! I can’t believe I made it to the second trimester: I really wish I could go back in time and tell my post-miscarriage, post-ectopic self that one day I’d be 13 weeks (and still MOSTLY sane, into the bargain…) – I know she wouldn’t believe me, but it would maybe have made her a bit less of a miserable sod at the time, huh?
Honestly, though, I may have crossed that invisible line in the sand, but I’m still struggling with the ol’ imposter syndrome. Now that the nausea has started to settle down a little, there’s really not much to reassure me that everything is still OK: there are still at least a few weeks to go until I can expect to feel movement, and although my bloat-bump can look fairly impressive, depending on the time of day, and what I’m wearing, it’s not any bigger this week than it was last week, which leaves me with that whole, “Am I REALLY pregnant, or did I just eat too many bagels again?” feeling.
(Oh, I’m back on the bagels again, by the way: so, yeah, I probably DID eat too many of them, to be perfectly honest…)
On the subject of the bloat-bump, I thought it might be nice to celebrate the start of the second trimester by taking some photos of it, and what was weird about that was that, when I looked back at them, I immediately noticed that it WASN’T MY BODY in them. Like, it was my head (not looking its best, it has to be said, but still recognisably MY HEAD), but with SOMEONE ELSE’S BODY attached to it. And yes, this was an ALL-CAPS kind of moment for me.
It’s weird: I mean, I obviously knew I had a bump (even although I still think it’s mostly bloat, on top of the pot belly I’ve always had…), and that my boobs were a bit “HELLO BOYS!” (I’m flattering myself wildly here: they’re still a B-cup, but now they actually FILL that b-cup, which is a novel experience, to be sure. Terry was all, “Geez, your boobs are busting out of that bra!” and I was just like, “Nah, that’s just what a bra’s supposed to look like, actually…”), but I hadn’t realised I would also get pregnant in my butt, which is a bit of a bummer (boom boom! I’m here all week, folks!) because, guys, I AM PREGNANT IN MY BUTT. Or so it would appear, anyway.
So, I’m trying my best not to freak out about this, because I obviously know my body is going to change, and I’ve actually been looking forward to having a cute little bump – I guess I just didn’t anticipate my entire BODY being the bump? Or not being able to get that new-this-year Vivienne of Holloway top over my boobs. And honestly, I’m torn: part of me is kind of hoping the boobs stay this size, purely for the novelty value, but on the other hand, I DO really like that top, which, admittedly, was always a bit snug on me.
Dilemma of the Week: Should I buy the VoH top in a larger size? Answers in the comments, but only if your answer is going to be, “Yes, Amber, you should totally buy the top, why is this even a question?”
13 Weeks, 1 Day – June 30th, 2017
Since posting the pregnancy announcement on the blog and social media, I’ve found myself having a number of online conversations that have gone a bit like this:
ME: “I’m 13 weeks today! So relieved to be in the 2nd trimester, with a lower risk of miscarriage!”
THEM: “I wouldn’t be so sure: I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks – let me tell you aaaaalll about it…”
ME: “I’m still really anxious about all of the things that could go wrong…”
THEM: “I’m not surprised: I thought my pregnancy was going really well, but then <insert hugely traumatic event of choice>”
or even relatively silly stuff, like:
ME: “I’m really worried about the hospital stay, so I’d appreciate it if everyone could avoid posting scary stories about hospital stays: thanks!”
THEM: “Here is my scary story about a hospital stay: you’re welcome!”
So, obviously I’m exaggerating just a little here, but that’s honestly how some of the responses I’ve had have come across to me, and there’ve been a few times this week where I’ve found myself scratching my head and thinking, “WHY would you tell me that, other than to just terrify me?” (And, if so NO NEED, seriously: I’m totally good for terror over here, I really don’t need any more of it!) I also feel like a bit of an asshole for even thinking this, because, just a few months ago I was all, “People should be able to talk openly about miscarriage!” and now I’m all, “Er, not to me though, thanks!”
In my defence, I DO still firmly believe that society needs to change the way it deals with miscarriage, and that it shouldn’t be this secret, hidden thing that women essentially have to go through alone: at the same time, though, it just seems really obvious to me that a pregnancy announcement is not the right time to start that conversation, and when someone’s specifically said that they’re kind of terrified right now (I actually started writing about health anxiety a few months ago because I knew I might get pregnant, and I was hoping those posts would help people understand my anxiety about it a little better, even if they don’t relate to it…), it honestly seems a bit cruel to me to try to add to that with horror stories that just re-inforce those fears. I mean, I THOUGHT that, but now I’m thinking maybe I’M the unreasonable one here: it wouldn’t be the first time, after all, and I AM an absolute mess of hormones right now, so… gah.
Speaking of being a hormonal mess, I woke up in a bit of a panic this morning with some random pains (Actually, “pain” is really too strong a word here: they’re more like… sensations? Discomfort?) in my left side…and then sometimes in the right. I’ve been getting things like this on and off since the start of my pregnancy and I know it’s probably just round ligament pain or something boringly normal, but every little twinge sends me into a mild panic, so fun times all round, really. And NOW I’m thinking I should probably delete this paragraph before this post goes live, because I’m really just asking people to comment and say, “Oh, I had that, and it turned out to be the baby trying to tear its way out of the womb, Alien-style: we’re both dead now,” aren’t I?
(Just FYI, what I’m ACTUALLY asking is for people to comment and say, “Oh, I had that and it’s completely normal: my baby is a rocket scientist now, and I have hair like a mermaid, which is directly connected to that weird pain I had at 13 weeks, apparently!”)
13 Weeks, 2 days – July 1st, 2017
I’m still thinking about that top.
13 Weeks, 4 Days – July 4th, 2017
So, it looks like the theme for this week is, “OMG My Bump Has Disappeared Since Yesterday – Oh No, Wait, There It Is!” The following events take place between 19:00 hours on Friday and 21:00 hours on Monday, and, even by my own admission, will make me sound crazier than even I thought was possible. But I think my levels of general craziness have been well established by now anyway, so here goes…
My bump disappeared.
And then it came back.
So, picture it: it’s Friday night, I’m lying on the couch watching Fear the Walking Dead, and every time I happen to glance down, my view is basically BOOBS! and then BELLY! This is kind of strange, because HELLO, NOT MY BODY! but also quite reassuring as the presence of the bloat/bump is really the only evidence I have that there’s something in there, as I can’t feel any movement yet, even although people keep on telling me I totally should by now.
Anyway, fast-forward to roughly the same time on Sunday night. I’m lying on the couch, watching Fear the Walking Dead (this isn’t Groundhog Day, by the way, it’s just my life now), but NOW when I glance down, my view is basically BOOBS! and then NOTHING! Well, OK, not quite nothing – my belly is looking significantly flabbier than it used to, but what it does NOT look like any more, is a BUMP – and this freaks me out. Where did the baby go? Is it, like, hiding in my leg or something? Is that why my butt is so big? WHERE IS MY BUMP?
Now, I should add here that I’m not totally stupid. Like, I am FAIRLY stupid, yes, but even I know that the first trimester “bump” is mostly just bloating (Which makes it even weirder for me when people want to touch it: I’m just like, ‘Er, you do know that’s just my lunch you’re fondling, right?”) so I guess it might make sense for that to go down sometimes? Maybe? Also, when I weighed myself on Sunday morning, I had lost a pound again (I’ve basically been losing and then regaining this same pound since the start of this pregnancy, with the result that now, at 13 weeks, I weigh exactly the same as I did before I even found out…) so I guess that might be why. Whatever the reason, though, I worried about it all day, and then on Monday night I… well, I lay down on the couch again to watch Fear the Walking Dead (Hey, did I mention we’ve been watching Fear the Walking Dead? Because we’ve been watching Fear the Walking Dead. We really need to get out more, huh?), and BAM – the bump was back!
I’m now trying to just accept that it’s Not Actually a Real Bump at this stage, and that it’s probably going to come and go due to bloating, but yeah, that was a very Not Fun 24 hours, with the worry compounded by the fact that the nausea has all but disappeared this week. I SHOULD be happy about this, obviously, but while I did know that a lot of people start to feel better in the 2nd trimester, I didn’t expect to be one of them, and I REALLY didn’t expect it to disappear right at the very START of the 2nd trimester, so I was a bit thrown by that. With that said, I may not have a lot of nausea, but I have absolutely no appetite whatsoever. People keep saying, “But what would you LIKE to eat, if you could have anything?” and I’m just like, “NOTHING. I would like to eat nothing. If I could just somehow arrange to be given all of my nutrition in capsule form right now, that would suit me down to the ground.”
(I AM still eating, by the way, so no need to worry: I’m just not enjoying it. Which is a shame, really, because eating is normally one of my hobbies…)