17 Reasons My Baby Cried
01. My baby was tired.
02. I put him in his cot to sleep. WRONG! Baby did not want to sleep in his cot! Wanted to sleep ON ME.
03. While complying with the above demand, I yawned. THE ABSOLUTE NERVE OF ME!
04. Baby had a dirty nappy. Er, CHANGE PLEASE?
05. I changed it. HOW COULD I?!
06. BABY WAS BRIEFLY NAKED WHILE HIS CLOTHES WERE CHANGED. SOUND THE ‘NAKED BABY’ KLAXON! WAH! WAH! WAH!
07. Knowing how much he hates to be naked, I dressed him. I am a terrible, terrible person.
(At least I dressed him cute, though, right?)
08. I put him in his car seat. He HATES being put into his car seat. BAD MUMMY.
09. Once at our destination, I removed him from his car seat. But! But! He LOVES being in his car seat! Is the only place he wants to be! BAD MUMMY.
10. I put him in the bath. He DID NOT WANT to be in the bath.
11. I took him back out of the bath. But! He ONLY wants to be in the bath! Bath is the only place to be! BACK IN BATH, MINION.
12. I handed him to his dad. THIS IS INTOLERABLE.
13. His dad handed him back to me. MISTAKE. Biiiiiig mistake. GIVE ME DAD AND GIVE ME HIM NOW I ONLY WANT DAD.
14. Baby was hungry.
15. Once this fact was telegraphed, it took at least 30 seconds to be addressed. Baby now hates me.
16. The song I was playing to rock him to sleep ended. SONGS MUST NEVER END. MUST PLAY ETERNALLY.
17. While writing this post, I placed my coffee mug on a coaster next to the baby’s cot and it made a small noise. How should I die?
You can follow Max’s adventures – in his “own” words – over at his very own Instagram account, and, if you’re sick of my overly-staged grid, you’ll find Terry’s slightly less filtered view of our lives right now over here.
(P.S. I hate that I have to say this, but I hope it goes without saying that this post is supposed to be very much tongue-in-cheek: my baby does not cry constantly, and nor do I resent him when he does – it just amuses me how totally irrational our infant overlords can be!)