She sells seashells by the sea shore

If you know me in Real Life (as opposed to this fake, imaginary life we all have on the internets), you may want to prepare yourself for the fact that next time you meet me, I’ll be speaking a little differently.

More specifically, I’ll be speaking like a drunk person. I promise I won’t actually be drunk. Or, OK, maybe I will be drunk, who knows? But even if I’m NOT drunk, I’ll still sound like I am, and that’s because today I picked up my new Invisalign tray for my lower teeth and the first tray for my uppers. Because obviously being me wasn’t enough of a challenge already.

I hadn’t originally intended to have Invisalign for my top teeth. They’re actually quite straight, but I do have a gap between two of them (Caused by my old nemesis The Peg Tooth), and I had assumed that I was stuck with this gap for the rest of my life, mostly because that’s what every dentist I’d ever spoken to had told me. “You’ll have this gap forvever!” they’d say cheerfully, and I accepted that this was so, and prepared to spend the rest of my life hating that freaking gap between my teeth. Then I decided to get Invisalign, and the dentist was all “We’ll have that gap closed in no time, and all it will cost you will be every penny you have!”” so naturally I said, “Sign me up for that right away, my good man!”

Today was the day designated for my teeth to begin their journey towards each other, and, me being me, I was feeling quite nonchalant about it. “Am Invisalign expert,” I thought smugly, as I settled down into the chair. “Am not even feeling like I’m going to gag when I wake up every morning now – will be no problem!” And I continued thinking this right up until the moment when the top tray was snapped into place, and I realised that I sounded like a drunk person. GAH.

The dentist and his assistant very kindly managed to conceal their laughter until I left the surgery, as did the receptionist who relieved me of the rest of the money in my bank account. Terry, however, was not so kind, and has spent most of the morning alternating between laughing outright and trying to trick me into saying words with lots of sibilants in them. “What would you say is the best sunscreen?” he’ll ask. “SPF 66 or SPF6?”

I’m told the whole “speaking like a drunkard” thing will last for about 24 hours, after which I will apparently get used to it. So far, I have my doubts about that, and think that, knowing my luck, it’s more likely that I’ll just speak like this forever, even when the Invisalign is removed. I’m having to speak veeeerrrryyy sllllooooowwllly. Like. I’m. Talking. To. An. Idiot. Or like I am a cyborg. I’m also drooling. Yes, drooling. Just a nice image for you to end your Friday afternoon on, there. I hope no one was eating while they read this…

* For the benefit of the people who always take everything I say literally, I am exaggerating here. The “closing the gap” thing is fairly straightforward, and therefore much less expensive than most Invisalign treatments, so it’s not quite costing me ALL my money. Just most of it.

P.S. I write a weekly diary which goes out every Friday to my subscribers. Sign up below to get on the list...

books by Amber Eve
  • Hehe! Oh, how I remember those days, when I had my brace. Well, actually, after I had my brace, and the retainers had become the bane of my life. Aside from leaving them in restaurants and having to desperately go through the bin afterwards (yes, that happened), the first couple of days were spent sounds exactly like you must do now. Now imagine that drunken voice, and then imagine yourself in school… and then combine the two. It wasn't pleasant!
    .-= Lauren´s last blog ..I Heart Your Blog Award =-.

    April 23, 2010
  • Yup, I had a removable brace that used to get really dry in between wear, and every single time I put it back in there were maybe 15 minutes while my palate got used to it that I would clamp my mouth shut and refuse to speak. Because the alterantive was drooly messy slurry mouth, and when you're a teenager that is high up the list of things you NEVER want to show your cruel peers.

    It did help me to bond with fellow brace wearers though, and when a couple of us found out we'd be remving them FOR GOOD around the same time we organised a "throw them on the floor and jump on them til they are nothing but shattered plastic and wire bits" party. It was fun!:D
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Pin it! =-.

    April 23, 2010
    • Lordy – apparently cannot spell on a Friday afternoon!
      .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Pin it! =-.

      April 23, 2010
  • Ha, yeah, I suspect the speaking will get easier, but the drooling never really stops. I blame my braces and retainers during middle school, upper school AND university for my difficulty speaking French… I spent HOURS practicing my pronunciation with those cumbersome things in my mouth and was quite proud of my accent. Your mouth and tongue learn to overcompensate for the extra material in your mouth, after a while it may feel strange to speak without the retainers. But man, those straight, shiny teeth will be worth it!
    .-= Amy´s last blog ..Two Things I love (right now) =-.

    April 23, 2010
  • Steph


    Heh, hope you get used to it soon! I've never worn braces but a couple of weeks ago I had two fillings (one on each side) and then immediately after had to go to the bank. It's quite hard to sound like a financially-responsible grownup when none of your mouth is working and even your tongue is still numb because the dentist accidentally got some of the anaesthetic gel on it. 'Yesh, you can trushts me with moneysh' *drools*

    April 23, 2010
  • I'm three days into a six month smile brace… so it's reassuring to hear of someone else's OH making fun of them for the way they're speaking 😉 I currently can't say 'baby bib' properly… not normally a problem but today I gave my pregnant friend one as a present and managed to utter the words "blaby blib"… cue much hysteria on our parts (and a wee bit of worry on mine that I'm going to sound like this for 6 months!)

    I say you should just get drunk for the 24hrs… since you're going to sound that way, you might as well enjoy a few cocktails too (remembering to brush afterwards!)
    .-= Zoe, Conversation Pieces´s last blog ..And we have a winner… =-.

    April 29, 2010