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The Ducks

Posted on 5 min read
OK, so, on the last episode of “Amber Recounts Her Holiday in Tedious Detail”, I was still in Clearwater, where I was wearing a playsuit, and probably flashing everyone within a five mile radius, for all I know.

After a week of this (A week of “being in Clearwater”, I mean. NOT a week of flashing everyone. Although possibly that too.), however, we packed up and moved to the Orlando area, where we were renting a house for rest of our vacation.

It was there that I met THE DUCKS.

Duh-DUH-DUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!

The first duck appeared the morning after we arrived.  I got up in the morning, walked into the bathroom, and there it was, sitting on the vanity, all pretty and, well, duck-like. To be honest, I didn’t think too much of this. The house we were staying in is owned by a couple who have a few small grandchildren: I assumed the duck belonged to one of them, and that Terry had found it and left it out for me to see. Because, yes, I am totally the type of person who gets a kick out of finding a rubber duck in her bathroom. I don’t get out much.

Anyway, I had a quick look at this duck, then I continued with my day, and forgot all about it… until later that evening when we got back from a day out, and I discovered that my small yellow friend was now swimming in the bathroom sink:

Duck #1

(Most of these photos were taken with my iPhone, by the way, so apologies for the low quality…)

Well, obviously I knew someone was messing with me at this point. The question was: WHO?

List of Persons Suspected of Duck Tampering: 

SUSPECT #1: TERRY

The obvious suspect, of course, was Terry. He was, after all, the one who was sharing a bathroom with me. He had the opportunity. But did he have the motive, I wondered? I considered this question carefully and concluded that, well, he didn’t really have a motive to be leaving rubber ducks in my bathroom. That wouldn’t necessarily stop him, however, and Terry does have a long history of Messing With Me, so I made a mental note to watch him carefully, and moved on to…

SUSPECT #2: MY MUM

My mum was always a prime suspect in the Mysterious Case of the Appearing Ducks, because my mum has history with rubber ducks. As those of you with very long memories probably will not recall, during our stay at the Chancellor Hotel in San Francisco last year, my mum tormented me by pretending the staff at the hotel had been leaving her a new rubber duck every morning. This obviously annoyed me, because WHY WAS I NOT GETTING DUCKS, WHY? So it would make sense that my mum would once again torment me with ducks, in a neat little reversal of her previous prank. (Why yes, my family ARE a bit strange. What gave it away?)

SUSPECT #3: MY DAD

My dad was never really a serious suspect. While it was clear that he knew more than he was letting on, and was obviously implicated in some way, my gut instinct was that he was a mere accessory to the crime, a helpless bystander in this crazy world of duck rustling. I more or less eliminated him from enquiries, but kept his name on the list of suspects, because if there’s one thing I learned from Nancy Drew, it’s… I didn’t really learn anything from Nancy Drew, did I?

The next morning, there was a second duck waiting for me in the bathroom.

spotted duck

(This is not the duck I found that morning, nor is it in the bathroom. That duck declined to appear in this blog post, asking not to be identified. Picture is posed by a duck model.)

(I’m joking, it’s the one in the photo at the top right of the image below, with the garland around its neck. I thought it looked a bit like Brad Pitt, for some reason.)

After that, it was basically open season: the ducks appeared at a rate of one per day. No matter how vigilant I was, or how early I got up, determined to catch the culprit yellow-handed, each morning I woke up to find a new duck waiting for me:

MOAR DUCKS

They were gathering.

Band of Ducks

But FOR WHAT?

My family all still resolutely refused to claim responsibility for the ducks. I, meanwhile, grew worried. What if the ducks had not, as I had initially suspected, been procured for the express purpose of tormenting me? What if the ducks had ALWAYS been in the house? That would mean the ducks really belonged to the owners of the house, and I wouldn’t be able to bring them home with me. And that would be tragic because, well, by that point I’d started to get attached to them. Not in a creepy, women-who-love-ducks-too-much-kind-of-way, of course. I mean, it’s not like I’d NAMED them all or anything.

*laughs nervously*

*changes the subject*

Finally, just a few days before the end of our holiday, my morning duck came with a letter:

duck mail

I was overjoyed. They had chosen to communicate with me!

In my mum’s handwriting (ahem), the letter explained that the ducks were hoping for my help. They wished to return to the UK with me, they explained. And then we would be together forever, the rubber ducks and I.

With that letter, the identity of the duck charmer was revealed:

the duck rustler is revealed
It was my own mother, people.

And she hadn’t been working alone, either:

Duck Dad

Yes. Far from being the innocent bystander I had assumed he was, my dad had actually been responsible for the placement of the ducks each morning. It’s always the ones you suspect the least, isn’t it?

As for Terry, he actually had nothing to do with it at all. He had, however, surprised my parents in the act of purchasing the ducks in Target the day we arrived, so he wasn’t totally innocent. I, meanwhile, didn’t know WHAT to think. I felt like I was being attacked by ducks:

attacked by rubber ducks
They were all around me:

But eventually I came to accept them, those little ducks. To love them, even.

The Saga of the Ducks
They were like the family I’d never had. Or something.

So I did as they asked. I brought those ducks home with me.

rubber duck collection
And they all lived happily ever after. In my bathroom. Where they belong.

The End.

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14 Comments
  • Lindsay via Facebook
    July 17, 2012

    Laughed out loud at the part when you said ‘it’s not like I named them’ Mine don’t have names either! Nope, nameless duckies, honest!

  • Alexandra via Facebook
    July 17, 2012

    I’m right now going through a list of duck-related puns in my head, and sparing you them because I’m nice like that. 😉

  • Sandy
    July 17, 2012

    Fabulous duck tales!

  • Dempeaux
    July 17, 2012

    Love this so much! 🙂

  • Katie
    July 17, 2012

    Most awesome rubber duck story ever. Er, not that I’ve heard many rubber duck stories (or, in fact, any), but this is still my favourite one.

  • Nicki Cawood
    July 17, 2012

    Brilliant! Just brilliant 🙂

  • Heather
    July 17, 2012

    This is adorable, it makes me sad that no ones ever involved me in a rubber duck mystery week.

  • Terry
    July 17, 2012

    quack quack xxx

  • vivalasvegas
    July 18, 2012

    Ducks aside, I think that red hair in the sunlight looks like HEAVEN ON EARTH.

  • Panthera
    July 18, 2012

    I love the ducks, and I loved following your instagram photos, wondering along with you where they came from, and if it would ever be known. 😉

  • Katie
    July 19, 2012

    This story is absolutely brilliant! I’ve only just stumbled across your website thanks to a tweet from A Thrifty Mrs, but feel the need to read the rest of it (especially the first rubber duck story) stat! I love your glamorous swimsuit/sleek hairstyle/big shades combo- not sure I’ve ever seen someone look so pretty surrounded by rubber ducks before 🙂 Katie x

  • Reb
    September 29, 2012

    I am jealous! Why wouldn’t someone leave me rubber ducks in the morning eh eh??
    Actually no, I think I would be creeped out with finding a duck each morning. Duck invasion XD

  • Chiarina
    September 3, 2015

    Ok, Sorry I just read the duck post from ages ago now, but I have only been following your blog for a few months and haven’t managed to read ALL of the Archives… I found this today thanks to back links to old travel posts. I apologize for commenting so out of time and context.
    I think this is my all time favourite post. I must have gone back to re-read it three times.
    Brilliant!
    Do your parents pull these random pranks on you often? This was pure Genius!

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The Ducks