The Hammer House of Hairdressing Horrors

Yeah, I know, I’m totally running out of clever titles for posts in which I go to the hairdresser and return with a headfull of crazy layers that don’t look any different AT ALL to anyone else but me. Sorry.

And I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “The hell? Didn’t we just do this not so long ago? Surely it can’t be time for another disastrous haircut entry already? And also: what the hell is wrong with this woman? WILL SHE NEVER LEARN? What was she doing back at the hairdresser when she knows it always ends badly?”

Well, you see, it needed a trim. And I had this idea that if I keep getting the back trimmed, but not the sides (mullet), then the sides will surely catch up with the back quicker than they would if I just let sides AND back grow unrestrained. See, that made sense when I said it in my own fool head, but … gah. You know the luck I have with the hairdresser. I should really just stay at home, and trust me, this time I really think I will. I think I’m just going to let it grow until people start shouting “Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!” at me. I figure then, and only then will I be rid of these freaking choppy layers that, oh my God, make me want to PULL MY HAIR RIGHT OUT OF MY HEAD. Because GOD, this is getting old.

Anyway, so I went to the salon, and I asked, as usual, for a trim. To be fair, that’s exactly what I would’ve got: I mean, the stylist had sympathised with me about the mullet job, had gently warned me that there was no quick fix for this, and that it was just going to have to take its own sweet time to grow out. He agreed with me that I was doing the best thing by keeping it trimmed, otherwise it would start looking even worse, and he took only the tiniest amount possible off the mullet part, so it wouldn’t look any shorter.

So, it was all going pretty good, huh? I was sitting there silently congratulating myself on at last getting a good haircut, and then, all of a sudden, my mouth snapped open and I heard myself say, “Also, you could just cut in a fringe at the front.” Seriously, it was like a scene out of The Exorcist or something – like some other, malevolent being had taken over my body and started asking for FRINGES. Because hell, it’s not like THAT’S ever worked out before, is it?

I thought I’d got away with it at first. When I got home and looked in the mirror, I thought it was fine. I mean, it wasn’t GREAT: my hair will never be “great” until grow out these damn layers, but it certainly didn’t look any worse than it had before, and I’m at the point now where “not looking any worse” counts as a good haircut for me.

Then I went downstairs to make coffee and let the dog out, and caught a glimpse of myself reflected in the glass on the back door.

And I hate it.


It’s a long fringe – in fact, it’s really not so different from how it was before. But it IS different. It is shorter. It’s too long to sit on my forehead, like a regular fringe, but too short to stick behind my ears, like I always wear my hair. And the introduction of yet another different length of hair on my head… well, let’s just say it wasn’t such a great idea, because it has only served to emphasise all the other layers, and this time I have only myself to blame, because the stylist did exactly what Evil Amber told him to do.

Thank God all those Blair-Waldorf-style headbands are in fashion right now, is all I can say. And at least I’ll save money on haircuts for the rest of this year, because as God is my witness, I will not be going back until these stupid layers grow out. Not even for a trim, because clearly it’s too dangerous. If I even mention the idea of getting another haircut here, or on Twitter, please feel free to reach through your computer screen and deliver a good, hard slap, because seriously.

Just to soothe my frazzled nerves, here is a picture of the new shoes I got this week, as a PR freebie. They are shiny. I will wear them when I’m off to see the wizard. To ask him to give me some hair, natch.


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books by Amber Eve
  • Why? Why don’t you learn? Although, I did accidentally get a mullet cut a few weeks ago and now… thank god for hair bands. And a hairdresser willing to cut more hair off in an emergency.

    July 17, 2008
  • Maybe your next hairdresser post should be titled “Hair today gone tomorrow”. You get heels as PR freebie? I am green with envy 🙂

    July 17, 2008
  • Where’s our before and after pic? Golly – must be bad!

    And I’m green with envy too. No-one ever gives me free shoes!

    July 17, 2008
  • So I had a random haircut on the cruise ship in Greece (don’t ask). It was fine – going very well, with the long layers I asked for. It was dried straight (yay, she’s doing what I said!) and then, just as I was about the rise from the chair she lifts up the top section of my hair, chops in blithely and goes “I’m just going to lighten this section a bit…”. Then she argued with me about making the rest of it shorter to match because “your hair curls naturally at the bottom”. Well, yes. Because a curly-bottomed mullet IS SO MUCH BETTER.

    She trimmed.

    It’s growing out now, but the pain is raw.

    July 17, 2008
  • Aren’t these? Aren’t these the Rocket Dog stiletto court shoes you featured on thefashionpolice? Yayy those are nnnice!!!
    Yet I don’t like it so much when the front of the shoe is so low that you can see where the toes start. But still, very nice shoes, I envy you 🙂

    July 17, 2008
  • Great shoes! I love a bit of toe cleavage. As for the hair, I know exactly the Exorcist situation you’re talking about. That’s the reason why my hair seems to be exactly the same length for over a year now, although I’m supposedly trying to grow out some way too short layers.

    July 17, 2008
  • I think I am seeing the wisdom of not having been near a hairdresser in about 10 years. (You may also think this is wise, but you may also have not seen my hair. So you win some, you loose some!)
    P.S. Shiny!

    July 20, 2008
  • Oooh.. *shudders* I can definelty relate to hair horror. About 4 years ago, I thought I would look great with shorter hair cut since my hair was down to my elbows. So I went to the hairdresser, and told the girl, not any shorter than the jaw. So she cuts it to the jaw, but of course since I'm an idiot I didnt think about the fact that my hair curls, so I ended up looking like a freaking clown [I didnt own a straightener at the time]
    I faithfully let it grow out for almost 3 years, [mostly out of fear of another bad cut] until I started doing the same sort of exorcist type thing, except worse :cutting my own hair.
    Never again.
    I had one side of my hair shorter than the other and had to go back to the salon to even it out. Looked nice. Then I had to go, all exorcist again and cut my own fringe.


    lol. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have that rapunzel hair and never cut it :/

    July 21, 2008
  • Sian



    I just got back from a TERRIBLE hairdresser experience.

    I haven't really stopped crying for about 4 hours.

    By the time I stop, I catch a glimpse of myself and start up again.

    Okay, so I can sympathize with the Mullet problem.

    It has taken me 2 years to grow out my mullet because…

    hairdressers don't LISTEN.

    Today. I walk into my salon that I had just started to trust,

    get seated, only to be told by my usual stylist that "she's REALLY busy today"

    She asked me if it would be OK if another stylist could do my hair,

    Me being polite (after booking in for an appointment only to get nudged)

    says "Yeah sure, no worries!"…BIG MISTAKE!

    I present this young-ish hairdresser with a piece of paper, detailing

    how I want my hair cut, the colour, the length and pictures incase she didn't understand what i was talking about (Just to be safe.)

    Now, I've avoided the hairdresser for 3 months and my hair was at a nice length,

    only a few layers to grow out, but needed a bit of thinning around the crown.

    It looked a little bit Rihanna and I was happy.

    So. The hairdresser starts LAYERING my hair

    I was like, "hold on, what are you doing"

    and she says "thinning" <– (Who is game to argue with a hairdresser?!)

    I acknowledge this and let her continue.

    It was looking ok, I still had length and there was no mullet in sight.

    Next, she asks if i'd like the front layers shortened.

    I say yes, and specify EXACTLY how much she is to take off.

    She doubles this, and I think "Its ok, it'll grow back."

    She continues to cut my hair, and I watch my hair get shorter, and choppier…

    And bob-ish….and I start to freak out.

    I stop her and ask her what she's doing and she says she's just fixing up my split ends.

    (What split ends?)

    She continues to hack at my locks and I start to recognize what my hair resembles.

    A 60's bob with a MULLET rats tail 🙁

    I tell her that it looks fine, and that she should leave it.

    She takes me to the counter and charges me $200 ( I had a colour too)

    I say thanks, walk out, and proceed to BALL MY EYES OUT!

    My beautiful un mullet hair, is now, completely ruined!

    I ring my cousin who is an ex- hairdresser and she rushes to my aid.

    I now have choppy emo hair, and am so destroyed.

    I know its only hair, but when you try SO hard to grow it, and people just wreck it by not listening… It really hits ya.

    I don't believe hairdressers when they say, you need a hair cut every 6 weeks..

    Its so they can keep your hair as a mullet and you as a customer.

    If you can, grow your hair.

    After this next episode of growing this dodgy hair out, i'm vowing to NEVER go to a hairdresser again.

    She cut, my gorgeous hair from shoulder length to chin length

    — Because she is an idiot and followed the length of my front layer, right to the back of my head…BUT leaves "some length." Which happens to be a whispy bit of hair that has that annoying flick.

    March 28, 2009