Wardrobe Malfunction! Wardrobe Malfunction!

Well, I’ve always suspected it, but now I know for sure: I was born without a brain.

The proof of this came on Sunday afternoon, when I decided to hit the town and do a little bit of shopping. This, I might add, was in addition to the shopping I’d already done on Saturday, and which had merely served to whet my appetite for the much larger shopping expedition that would be known as “Sunday”. Oh yes, Saturday’s shopping had been but the appetiser: Sunday’s event would be the main course, and I drifted off to sleep on Saturday night happily envisioning the long, leisurely stroll around the shops I’d enjoy the next day.

Of course, what I’d failed to take into account was the fact that the next day was Sunday, and that I generally like to spend my Sunday mornings languishing in bed, reading books, drinking coffee and basically being a lazy-ass. Yesterday was no different, so by the time I got myself showered and caffeinated, it was already almost 3pm, and most of the shops would be closing in another couple of hours. Undaunted, I quickly threw on whatever clothes were available at the time, and headed out on my grand expedition.

It was only as I walked from the car park to the mall that I realised something was wrong. I felt… different, somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but I felt like I was walking funny. (Funnier than usual, I mean.) And the more I thought about this, the more I realised it was true: in fact, when I finally entered the mall and started walking across the tiled floor, I realised I sounded different too, in that one heel was making a particularly loud “click” every time it made contact with the floor, while the other one was pretty much silent.

“Damn!” I thought. “I bet the heel tip has come off this boot, and I’ll need to get it replaced!” So I stopped, and I looked at the offending boot. “Strange,” I thought. “The heel tip’s still there, and doesn’t look like it’s coming off any time soon. And even stranger: THAT’S NOT THE BOOT I PUT ON BEFORE LEAVING THE HOUSE! In fact, I can clearly remember pulling on a different boot altogether. OMG, I must be going mad!”

But I wasn’t. Or, no, actually, I was: but not for the reason I first thought. Lookit:

Do you see anything wrong with this picture, readers, DO YOU?

OK, how ’bout now?

Yes! I went out wearing TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BOOTS! Witness:

Two. Completely. Different. Boots.

Well. As soon as I realised what I’d done, I felt like there was a giant spotlight shining down on me, out of which a disembodied voice was shouting, “Your attention, shoppers! Crazy lady here wearing two different boots! Feel free to mock her mercilessly!” Now, I’m 100% sure that most people in the world – and, more, specifically, in the mall – have better things to do with their lives than look at my mismatched legs. BUT. When you’re out in public wearing two different boots (and walking with a slight list, thanks to the fact that the heels on said boots are not exactly the same height, GOD) you just don’t feel like that. In fact, I felt like all eyes were upon me. I felt like everyone had noticed, and was laughing. And also that, if I was particularly unlucky, some of them would be saying to each other, “Hey, isn’t that the chick who has the blog about shoes? And who calls herself ‘Shoeperwoman’? Could she not have at least tried to make sure her shoes matched before leaving the house? Doesn’t she OWN a mirror? Or a brain?” Or maybe, “Quick! Someone call The Fashion Police! Oh no, wait: that IS The Fashion Police!” Hoist by my own petard, people, hoist.

I tried to continue with my shopping, but it’s actually pretty hard to shop when you’re having to duck behind a rack of clothes every time someone comes near you, and of course, because The Others have such a strange fascination with me, it’s absolutely impossible for me to occupy a space inside a shop without at least six other people appearing and trying to squash into that space with me. I knew it was no good: something would have to be done, and by that I mean, “shoes would have to be bought, what a shame!”

Luckily for me, one of the stores near the entrance of the mall is New Look, and New Look is a veritable haven of cheap n’ cheerful shoes. I lurched into the store, looking like a mad, drunk woman, grabbed a random dress from the first rail I came to, and used it as a shield to cover my legs while I ran rolled to the shoe section. Once there, I bought the cheapest pair of shoes I could find, which I put on as soon as I’d finished paying for them:

OK, they may not have been the absolute cheapest, but they were the reddest. I may be mad, but I’m not stupid. Oh no, wait…

(Do not be fooled by the appearance of these shoes, readers: they may look harmless enough, but these shoes are made of EVIL and they proceeded to rub my ankles raw as I walked around in them. Which I guess is what I get for not being able to dress myself properly. I’d like to say I’ve learned my lesson, but I think we all know I probably haven’t…)

Related: How walk in high heels without pain

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  • I am pretty sure no one noticed since the boots are of similar style though different lengths. Maybe they thought they were slouchy boots ? One can always hope.

    February 8, 2010
  • Oh my goodness I'm laughing so hard my eyes are watering! I once managed to spend a whole day with my knickers on inside out, but unless I was doing something very very wrong nobody else was going to notice that! Buying new shoes was of course the only optional available to you, and they're very cute new shoes!
    .-= Selina´s last blog ..Your daily dose of pretty: grumpy earrings and a dangerous dog =-.

    February 8, 2010
  • Oh my goodness, I am hurting from laughter. Amber, you are a genuine gem! By name and nature! xx
    .-= Erin Le Clerc´s last blog ..Modern Vintage: Vintage lace magnets by Botanical Theatre =-.

    February 8, 2010
  • Ahhh Amber, I’d like to say only you could do something like this, but I’m pretty sure that’s not true… In fact, I once did pretty much the same thing, only with kinda similar but COMPLETELY DIFFERENT black ballet pumps…

    As for New Look shoes, it pains me to say that I had to give them up long ago. They don’t fit my feet, cut my ankles to smithereens and usually make me fall over cos of the slippery soles combined with my total lack of balance. Which is a bastard because they do make such pretty footwear (witness above)…

    Still, at least this means you’ll have to go shopping again next week… 😀
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..Weekend notes =-.

    February 8, 2010
      • I always carry a packet of Compeed Blister Plasters in my handbag – they’ve saved me from shredded feet many a time.

        February 8, 2010
      • I had a pair of shoes with an elasticated type heel like this which also ripped my heel to ribbons – the issue was resolved with tiny cut to the top of the heel!

        February 8, 2010
        • (and by "heel" I'm talking about the fabric of the shoes, not my foot!)lol
          .-= Katie´s last blog ..8th February – Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear =-.

          February 8, 2010
      • Robyn


        Amber, may I suggest buying some Moleskin (I don't think it's actually the skin of Moles)? I had a pair of flats that ripped my heels up until they BLED and a little bit of Moleskin on the offending shoe made them so comfortable it was like I was wearing a completely different (and less painful) pair. Moleskin is pretty inexpensive too, so I don't feel so bad about putting it on a cheaper pair of shoes (unlike footpetals, which I always feel I have to use on nice shoes because they're pretty costly for heel inserts). Hope that helps.

        February 10, 2010
  • Considering where what is considered fashion is heading (leggings as pants anyone?) I bet people were probably like ‘Zomg, two different boots is so on-trend*! I’m so going out like that tomorrow!’. I’m actually surprised I’m yet to do it considering I own like a gazillion pairs of black flats..
    *I hate this word (words?) so much but I’m using it because anyone who uses that word would be stupid enough to make wearing two different boots a trend

    February 8, 2010
  • Lola


    Does this count as you having worn two pairs of shoes for your shoe challenge? 😛

    I’m sure nobody noticed – like Brie said, people probably just thought they were slouch boots.

    And if it’s any consolation, I once managed to _buy_ a mismatched pair of shoes. They were both brown high heels with a strap, but one was made of a darker and more textured leather than the other was. In the right light it couldn’t be noticed, but in the wrong light… x_x (they were from New Look, actually. Maybe New Look make evil shoes on purpose?)

    February 8, 2010
    • Moni


      That was my first thought, too: Very smart move of her to wear two different pairs at once.

      But I think you'll still have to wear the other halves to make it count… 😛

      By the way: As a child I never understood how my mother could keep track of the dozen black pumps that crowded her cupboard, which all looked the same to me. She insisted that they were all different and she could tell them apart with no difficulty. Well…

      February 8, 2010
  • Maz aka MallyMon


    Perhaps you could follow my lead and always keep at least three pairs of shoes, different colours, in your car boot at all times? (pun intended!) (It was an accidental shoe storage system but turned out to be a blessing in disguise on more than one occasion.) But I’m sure people just thought you were a trend setter. After all, wearing odd socks was fashionable once! It did make me laugh, though…

    February 8, 2010
  • Rock Hyrax


    I’ve done the same, but with boots the same height heel and top: one was lace-up and the other was plain. My excuse: these things happen when you have to get up at 5am to get to work.

    I rarely wear flat shoes because of the heel trouble, and when I do, often put blister plasters on in advance. It’s because the shoes rely on gripping your heel to stay on – flat boots are kinder because their heel doesn’t have to hug your foot as tightly, and higher heels put less pressure on your heel, full stop. The kindest footwear of all (unless you’re talking flip flops or something) is a high heeled boot. (And before a lynch-mob of physios and health enthusiasts forms to punish me for such irresponsible talk, they should try walking a day with eczema on their heels like I have to!)

    February 8, 2010
  • Oh Amber, you have just brightened up my afternoon 🙂 Thanks for the giggle.

    (and I also wear matching shoes, never, not even in the early 90's, would you have found me at work with one navy blue penny loafer, one black penny loafer, oh no, not me!)
    .-= Katie´s last blog ..8th February – Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear =-.

    February 8, 2010
  • You know, I reckon you could have pulled it off. If you’d carried on like you’d meant to do it and then if someone commented it on it, made out like it was the next big thing and you were ahead of the trends you’d have been fine. You looked fab odd shoes aside, love that jacket!

    I have a tale of a far worse fashion disaster. I was in Miss Selfridge today (on a bag hunt which has been ongoing for over a month and in which I’m starting to lose interest) and a woman came wearing a pair of rainbow legwarmers.

    Thing is, she had clearly kept these from the first time they were trendy, circa Fame/Flashdance. Sorry and all that, but if you were of an age where you could follow the trend first time around you clearly shouldn’t be doing it second time around. Unless you’re Madonna. And even then its touch and go.
    .-= Beth´s last blog ..The Life That I have =-.

    February 8, 2010
  • Haha that's so funny. I had a similiar incident in work on Thursday, I had no shoes on (while I was sitting at my desk) and slipped my feet into my shoes when before I went to stand up. When I did stand up I thought one of my heels had broke. Infact i had put on one stiletto and one flat shoe. This is what happens when you have 4 pairs of shoes under your desk!

    .-= LionLovingTiger´s last blog ..A world of Rimmel PRO polish… =-.

    February 13, 2010
  • RhondaB


    About a month ago I wore a dark brown shoe and a black shoe to work. Same shoe, different color. Unfortunately my office has much better light than my home, so I had to go home and change. Co-workers said no one would notice, but I think they just wanted the entertainment.

    Not as embarrasing as the time I wore my pajama top to scool under my snowsuit though. That was a warm day with that snowsuit on. Poor little 5th grader. It was bad enough my hair was always such a mess that the girl who sat behind me used to brush it. I do better now. Mostly.

    February 19, 2010