Amber’s Illustrated Guide to What Not to Wear in the Country

These WERE just going to be my usual, run-of-the-mill, standing-in-the-middle-of-the-road outfit photos, but… then I saw the horses. I’ve never met a horse I didn’t like*, or that I didn’t want to stop and talk to, so I lurched over the grass in my stilettos, and that’s when these photos turned into a great example of What Not to Wear in the Country instead.

The first thing you shouldn’t wear in the country, obviously, is the aforementioned stilettos. Especially not satin ones. I’m pleased to report that mine escaped their ordeal unscathed, but yours might not be as lucky, so better to be safe than sorry, folks.

The other thing not to wear in the country would be a skirt roughly the same colour as grass. Because horses WILL try and eat it, and this horse most certainly did. Once I’d dissuaded it from eating my skirt, it moved onto my hair instead, and every time I turned my back, I’d feel it nibbling at my head, which made me realise I was basically out in public dressed like horse food. It wasn’t EXACTLY the look I’d been going for, but oh well, the horses didn’t seem to mind. They’re not exactly known for their fashion sense, mind you, so maybe I should take that endorsement at face value.

I can’t really think of a neat way to end this post, so I’ll leave you with this final thought:

Sorry, that wasn’t really a “thought” was it? It was more of a “gaping horse jaw”. I’ll leave you with THAT, then.

*OK, I actually HAVE met a horse I didn’t like, now I come to think of it. His name was Captain, and as I placed my foot in the stirrup, ready to get up onto his back, he turned his head and sank his huge, horse teeth right into my butt. OH. MY. GOD. I have never felt pain like it, people. You know that sensation when your heart kind of feels like it’s coming out of your mouth? THAT. TIMES ONE MILLION. By some miracle, Captain didn’t manage to break the skin, but the resulting bruise turned into a giant lump, and let’s just say it was pretty hard to sit down for a while there. Let’s also just say I can’t quite believe I’m talking about the giant lump on my butt, on the internet. GOD. Wow, it was painful, though. And that, my friends, is why you always, ALWAYS keep the horse’s head turned away from you while you mount. ALWAYS. It’s too late for MY butt, but, you know, do it for yours.

Related: How walk in high heels without pain