Amber’s Illustrated Guide to What Not to Wear in the Country

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green floral skirt and yellow high heels

yellow satin shoes

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♥  Sakura skater skirt c/o Choies  ♥  GAP sweater  ♥  ZARA shoes

These WERE just going to be my usual, run-of-the-mill, standing-in-the-middle-of-the-road outfit photos, but… then I saw the horses. I’ve never met a horse I didn’t like*, or that I didn’t want to stop and talk to, so I lurched over the grass in my stilettos, and that’s when these photos turned into a great example of What Not to Wear in the Country instead.

The first thing you shouldn’t wear in the country, obviously, is the aforementioned stilettos. Especially not satin ones. I’m pleased to report that mine escaped their ordeal unscathed, but yours might not be as lucky, so better to be safe than sorry, folks.

The other thing not to wear in the country would be a skirt roughly the same colour as grass. Because horses WILL try and eat it, and this horse most certainly did. Once I’d dissuaded it from eating my skirt, it moved onto my hair instead, and every time I turned my back, I’d feel it nibbling at my head, which made me realise I was basically out in public dressed like horse food. It wasn’t EXACTLY the look I’d been going for, but oh well, the horses didn’t seem to mind. They’re not exactly known for their fashion sense, mind you, so maybe I should take that endorsement at face value.

I can’t really think of a neat way to end this post, so I’ll leave you with this final thought:

yawning horse

Sorry, that wasn’t really a “thought” was it? It was more of a “gaping horse jaw”. I’ll leave you with THAT, then.

*OK, I actually HAVE met a horse I didn’t like, now I come to think of it. His name was Captain, and as I placed my foot in the stirrup, ready to get up onto his back, he turned his head and sank his huge, horse teeth right into my butt. OH. MY. GOD. I have never felt pain like it, people. You know that sensation when your heart kind of feels like it’s coming out of your mouth? THAT. TIMES ONE MILLION. By some miracle, Captain didn’t manage to break the skin, but the resulting bruise turned into a giant lump, and let’s just say it was pretty hard to sit down for a while there. Let’s also just say I can’t quite believe I’m talking about the giant lump on my butt, on the internet. GOD. Wow, it was painful, though. And that, my friends, is why you always, ALWAYS keep the horse’s head turned away from you while you mount. ALWAYS. It’s too late for MY butt, but, you know, do it for yours.

COMMENTS
  • Jen

    REPLY

    Ooh I feel your pain, I had a horse clamp down on my shoulder when I turned to walk away after feeding him carrots and sugar lumps. I had perfect teeth shaped bruises!

    September 15, 2014
  • Suze

    REPLY

    Lovely pics which wouldn’t look amiss in a Joules catalogue!

    That first pic is especially fab – you look like the most glamorous horse whisperer I’ve ever seen, with that horse completely under your spell! (Come to think of it, you’d probably be the ONLY horse whisperer I’ve ever seen but I can only imagine that the others would be in a totally different league altogether, permanently donned in unflatteringly tight and musty-smelling lycra with their every move releasing a waft of stale polo mints….though I could be wrong!)

    September 15, 2014
  • I much appreciate the horse diversity of these outfit shots – something you don’t see everyday on blogs, for sure! I’m very impressed your shoes were unscathed. And I actually just had to stop reading the horse-bites-butt story halfway through as I’m at my desk at work and I started properly sniggering, in that way that people do usually if they want everyone in the office to know what they’re laughing at – only I really didn’t want ANYONE to ask me this time. I don’t understand how you end up with so many humiliating-yet-hilarious stories, but it works for me, the reader!

    September 15, 2014
  • Ellesworth

    REPLY

    Have you ever thought about writing a book, Amber? I love your writing, and can’t help thinking that you’d write a fantastic novel. And now ironically off to read your ‘reader’s entitlement’ post!

    September 15, 2014
      • Ellesworth

        REPLY

        Ah well. I’ll live in hope that you get inspired to finish one then. 😉 Also, I’d read that book! Especially the chapters about mystery spy guy who lives near the protagonist heh. *vague memories surfacing*

        September 15, 2014
  • Nellie

    REPLY

    Thank you for the good laugh to start out my day! I love the contrast of your pretty outfit with the horse and wooden fence. I especially like the second photo with the sunshine on the back of your hair, the pop of color on your nails, and the quiet moment between you and the grateful horse.

    September 15, 2014
  • Stef

    REPLY

    I also have had the painful experience of a horse bite. I was about 10 and was loosening off the girth following a normal lesson. Next thing I know my little pony was clamping down on my thigh and did break the skin! Great excuse to avoid swimming for a while though; so silver lining and all that 🙂

    September 15, 2014
  • Michelle H

    REPLY

    Your hair looks amazing in that 2nd picture!

    September 15, 2014
  • Such gorgeous pictures!!! Love your skirt and your hair is simply stunning – full-time glam!

    Tatyana x
    Secret little Stars
    http://www.secretlittlestars.com

    PS Make sure to enter my international giveaway on the blog for a chance to win a KENNETT watch worth over £250!!!! Big Love x

    September 15, 2014
  • Steph

    REPLY

    Excited to see this skirt in all it’s glory, its one of the 3 I ‘accidentally’ purchased last week and am awaiting the arrival of with eager anticipation! From these pics looks like I won’t be dissappointed!

    September 15, 2014
  • “out in public dressed like horse food” 😀 I love this sentence!

    September 15, 2014
  • Horses scare me, I would never ever approach a horse. Cow, yes.
    Glad your beautiful yellow shoes survived the journey!

    September 16, 2014
  • Sally

    REPLY

    Oh wow! Just beautiful, as always, even dressed as horse food 😉 I’m going to take a big liberty here – do you know of Review (an australian shop)? I think you should check it out. They have a little cardi that I can totally see you in (god, i hope you like it now. Imagine the shame of recommending something and you hate it!) – gingham inspired in black/white or mustard/white. http://www.review-australia.com/sale/silvie-cardi-black-cream.html And their dresses…!!! Because, of course, you need somewhere else to spend that hard-earned cash 😉 Please believe this is simply from one shopaholic to another and as I’m on a tighter budget than I used to be I’m living vicariously through you and your wonderful blog! Don’t change, you’re just fabulous!

    September 16, 2014
  • Oh my, that skirt is beautiful, though!!

    September 16, 2014
  • Moni

    REPLY

    I once made the mistake of wearing a bright yellow skirt when we had a Square Dance performance. Open air in a small village. In June. By the end of the dance I was basically covered in small black bugs that had mistaken my skirt for a field of flowers or something.
    Not a pleasant experience, but at least the bugs didn’t actually try to eat me… 🙂

    September 16, 2014
  • The colours are just fabulous from your hair to shoes!

    September 18, 2014
  • Aww you bought the skirt in green too! It’s so pretty! Your skirts look much better than mine. Mine is a bit fuller than I would like it to be.
    I loved the combo with the yellow heels. I would love to see it with your Green Lady Dragons with the bows as well. I think it would look nice! 🙂

    October 1, 2014
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