pink cloud

There’s No Place Like Gnome

Remember the saga of The Ducks?

For those of you who can’t be bothered clicking that link: a couple of years ago, while we were on holiday in Florida, rubber ducks started appearing in the bathroom I was using. I’d get up in the morning, or I’d return home in the evening, and there it would be – another duck, sitting there on the vanity, or on top of the medicine cabinet, the very picture of innocence.

Terry blamed my parents.

My parents blamed Terry.

The ducks… didn’t actually blame anyone. Because they were rubber ducks, yes?

Still they appeared. Eventually, right at the end of the holiday, my parents were unmasked as the evil masterminds of the duck invasion. I returned home that year with a suitcase full of rubber ducks, and vague plans to Get My Revenge someday. Then I forgot all about it, until this month, when my parents went to Florida without us (THE CHEEK!) and Terry and I crept into their house and did this:

fridge prank

Honestly, I laughed at this all night. Because I am 12. And I know you shouldn’t play favourites with the contents of a fridge, but  (*whispers*) the Diet Coke bottle (bottom left) is totally my favourite:

fridge faces

Gotta love that smile! (Sorry about the image quality, by the way: I didn’t have my camera with me, so these were taken on my phone!)

Anyway. This was on Friday. This morning, I was making coffee in the kitchen, when I happened to glance out of the back window to see this:

mystery garden gnomes

“Terry!” I yelled up the stairs. “Did you leave three gnomes in our garden? A green one, a blue one and a red one? Is this ringing any bells?”

“Oh yeah,” said Terry, all innocence. “I meant to say: I noticed them this morning when I got up: mystery, huh?” [Note: He was up before me: he had plenty of opportunities for gnome-placement…]

“Mystery my ass!” I retorted. “The only people with keys to the house are us and my parents. One of you has done this! Gnomes don’t just appear out of nowhere, do they?”*

Terry swore the gnomes had nothing to do with him, and that he’d never seen them in his life before. He blames my parents. He wasn’t very convincing, though, and it’s very much the kind of thing he would do, so I emailed my parents the photo, just to be sure.

“Awww, those are cute gnomes!” said my mum, before going on to explain that why, although they do have a key to our house (Our garden gates are tall ones, and can only be opened from the inside, so whoever placed the gnomes there either scaled the fence or came in through the house. Unless it was an eagle, obviously. That’s another possibility…), that key is just for emergencies, and they would NEVER use it for illegal gnome-smuggling purposes. She blamed Terry. She ALSO wasn’t particularly convincing, though, and she DOES have a track record with ducks, so it’s possible she’s turned her attentions to gnomes now, too.

(No word from my dad, yet: he’s still at work right now, but for a long time I suspected him of being a double agent in the Duck Saga, so he’s worth the watching, is all I’m saying.)

So: three gnomes have appeared out of nowhere. WHO IS THE CULPRIT? Also: what should I name them?

*This is actually unfair to gnomes: as you know, gnomes are made of magic which means they probably CAN appear out of nowhere. At the current time, I don’t feel I can discount any possibility. I mean, perhaps the gnomes are on their way somewhere? Perhaps they were being chased by a dragon? You just never really know with gnomes, and they consider it bad manners to ask, so I don’t think they’ll be revealing their secret anytime soon. In fact, I bet they’ll just say they heard nothing, saw nothing, said nothing…

P.S. I write a weekly diary which goes out every Friday to my subscribers. Sign up below to get on the list...

books by Amber Eve
  • Oh God! This is so funny! And I’d almost forgotten about the ducks…
    It’s just me or also someone else fears the gnomes? It’s not that I actually fear them, it’s just that they seem watching you just when you’re not watching them eh eh

    September 16, 2014
  • The contents of that fridge might become hard to eat and drink if you stare at those hilarious faces and googly eyes too long. That’s hilarious!

    September 16, 2014
    • Norma (Amber's mum)


      Never mind hard to eat or drink, it turns out Amber’s dad cannot throw anything out with a face so I now have little eyes stuck to my pantry doors!

      September 16, 2014
  • Indigo


    Oh my goodness this is So HILARIOUS! I was just laughing really loudly and my husband came into the room asking, “What? What did I do this time? Is my hair messed up or something?”

    This reminded me of my mom’s rubber duck collection. I do believe that at this point she has amassed a collection of 94 ducks! Whenever I go to visit her she always takes me to her duck shelves to show me her new additions…
    Have a most LOVELY day!

    September 16, 2014
  • Annabelle


    Dear Amber,

    I’ve been following your blogs since summer when I incidentally discovered one of your lovely outfits on Boden pinterest. I fell in admiration, in laugh, watching your inspiring pictures, reading your so funny adventures, discovering elements of your past. I enjoy so much the combination of wit, glamour, insight about what it means to be a professional blogger, and I’ve been often touched by your reflexions on the last subject even if I’m not a blogger myself. In fact what you’re telling is about relationship based on equity, honesty, respect and altruism.
    I didn’t dare to write a comment until today because whereas some people are shy in real life, and more expansive when writing (I read you well), I’m just the opposite. Very expansive, I’m able to tell a woman I come across in the street, that I love her outfit just for her to know that her nice efforts are noticed. And I like people to tell me the same. I work hard on matching the elements of my wardrobe in an interesting and I think glamorous way. On the contrary, I’m shy to write on internet as lot of unknown people could judge me. And I’m french, so my skills in english are what you’re currently reading… Why did I turned from friendly voyeur to active commentator? Because your post yesterday about YHL and people never commenting to tell good things and only waking up for one awful drama line of silly rupture forced me so. So today I laughed at the puns and the story about gnomes war, looked at the nice shoes, once again went on a clothes company site you mentioned to look at lovely skirts, dresses, and shoes, hoping that my airshopping directed by your post would enlighten my day and help you to go on with earning your living doing something you do with a touching honesty. It’s a strange experience for blog readers to be able to interact with a real person who is both the author and the character of a lovely new kind of “diary-novel”. Thanks for brightening many days!

    September 16, 2014
  • DANA


    When three fine lads of the species Gnomapiens find their way to the home of a fashion blogger with a sense of humor, surely we have been introduced to Mr. Petticoat, Mr. Peeptoe, and Mr. Gingham – no?

    One could speculate if they have arrived to
    – stand in awe of The Wardrobe With The Countless Perfect Outfits
    – assassin every beak in the Delinquent Duck Dungeon
    – reclaim the Glass God Of All Gnomes unearthed from The Black Substance
    – ward off the impending winter with magic spells and Perfectly Timed Sales at Zara
    – build a fortress against Dragons and Kelpies
    – seek the protection of The Fierce White Wolf
    – all of the above
    … their origin, means of travel and motives remain a mystery…

    September 16, 2014
  • Personally my favourite is the primula – as he looks like he has a nose and moustache… Very funny, great revenge attack! I’m pinning the gnomes on parents but with Terry’s help for coordination…

    September 16, 2014
  • Oh, but how are you going to find out if they are both blaming each other? I am so tempted to do the eye thing on my parents’ fridge but I don’t know that they’d notice.
    The OH is working away this week though……..hmmmm!

    September 17, 2014
  • I love this! Last year, Steve and I ran out of wrapping paper so we wrapped his best friend’s birthday present in plain paper and COVERED it in googly eyes – we laughed for hours; I’m still crushed by his friend’s utter lack of reaction. I’d have much preferred mystery gnomes.

    September 17, 2014
  • Ghalia


    Those eyes! Those googly eyes! I can’t stop laughing………….

    September 17, 2014
  • That is so funny, y’all are so funny! (In a good way of course.)
    At least it wasn’t small clowns who appeared in your garden. That would be truly creepy.

    September 17, 2014
  • LDK


    I am sooo doing that eyeballs in the fridge thing to my mother-in-law. She is always putting creepy figurines from flee markets in random spots in my house when she visits. What a wonderful way to get back at her.
    Thanks for the ideas.

    September 18, 2014
  • Stef


    Amazing. Just amazing. *Notes taken*

    September 18, 2014
  • Such a cute “war” you have going on with your parents! Love it!

    September 19, 2014
  • This is hilarious, I HAVE to try out something similar on my OH. And perhaps my parents too. When I was younger, my older brothers and sisters used to get up to all sorts when they were on holiday – primarily they would stick name labels on all the antiques that they wanted to inherit (my family has a bit of a black sense of humour sometimes…). And they would try and get me and my younger brother in trouble by putting empty wine and beer bottles around the garden, to make it look like we’d had a huge party, when in actual fact we’d been indoors playing computer games the whole time.

    Such a funny post, loved this!
    P x

    September 23, 2014
  • Can I just say thank you.
    I have been having a particularly rubbish week/month/year….. in a nightmare clinical academic post since March which is just the job FROM HELL.
    Anyways, as usual your blog posts cheered me up and made me laugh.
    You are AWESOME!!

    October 2, 2014
  • Oh and the duck story is AMAZING.
    One appeared on my drive last week. No idea who the culprit is. DH denies having anything to do with it. Anyways she is now hanging out with the other two in the family bathroom 🙂 I couldn’t leave her out there! Hopefully she isn’t a voodoo duck!

    October 2, 2014