Winter is the absolute worst, and I will fight you on this

I hate winter. I hate it with the passion of a thousand hot suns –– which is ironic, really, because if winter HAD a thousand hot suns, I might like it a little more. 

You know what’s the worst thing about winter, though?

It’s all the people who love winter.

You know the ones: in fact, you might even be one of them, in which case, all I can say is that you”re really not going to enjoy this post, so please don’t hate me. I don’t hate you, after all: I just don’t understand you. Like, not even a little bit. Especially when you keep using the words “cosy” and “snuggle” all the time, and pretending that getting to wear a pair of boots, or hang “twinkly lights” in your house is a fair trade off for months on end of darkness and virtual house arrest. (Spoiler: IT ISN’T.)

Here in Scotland, you see, no one loves winter. (Cue 875 Scottish people all lining up to tell me how much they love winter. LIARS.) Because we’re not crazy. Oh, and also because, here in Scotland, winter pretty much sucks, really. And, I mean, I know YOUR snow is SO PRETTY and all, but OUR snow is normally just all grey and slushy, and if we get more than 1cm of it, everyone freaks out, then the entire country grinds to a halt. I DO NOT ENJOY THIS. No, seriously, WHY WOULD I ENJOY THIS, SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN?

I don’t care how ‘pretty’ you think it is, I hate winter

Here are some other reasons I hate winter:

Having to get out of bed when it’s still pitch dark outside.

Thinking it surely must be bedtime already, then realising that, actually, it’s only 4pm: it’s just dark again already, GOD.

Being ill constantly.

Everyone else being ill constantly.

Worrying about being ill constantly.

Having to “bundle up” in order to leave the house. I AM NOT A “BUNDLE”, FFS.

Trying to wrestle a toddler into a snowsuit, and then having to pick his hat and gloves out of the slush every five minutes.

When you have to go outside to put something into the bin, but the lid is thick with snow, and when you lift it up, the snow slides down your sleeve and soaks your arms and FML, seriously.

Having to cancel your plans because there’s half an inch of snow on the ground, and the UK just can’t cope.

Mentioning the snow on social media, and everyone commenting to tell you whether or not THEY have snow, too.

Being too scared to drive anywhere, because no one here knows how to drive in snow, so you feel like you’re risking your life any time you try.

Getting out of the shower, and feeling the cold air hit your damp body.

People from the other side of the world smugly pointing out that it’s SO HOT where they are right now.

People from the other other side of the world smugly pointing out that THEIR winters are MUCH worse than YOUR winters, and that you’re not allowed to complain about YOUR winters until they’re as bad as THEIR winters, and not even then, really.

Wet clothes drying on radiators.

Snow that’s turned to slush and is just grey and dirty and sad, really.

Having to scrape the car down and defrost the windows before you can use it.

People repeatedly telling you how much they HATE summer, and wish the infernal winter could last forever. HOW SHOULD THEY DIE?

Here are some things other people claim to love about winter, but which don’t actually make it any better, really:

Christmas: I mean, it’s ONE FREAKING DAY, Sheila: calm down. Seriously, there isn’t a SINGLE THING in the entire world that lasts 24 hours (And you’re sleeping for part of it, anyway!), but is good enough to justify, like, EIGHT MONTHS of freezing cold weather and almost total darkness. Nothing.

Halloween: see above.

Boots and coats. Just… not THAT exciting, surely?

Being “cosy”: So, right now, I’m taking a hot water bottle to bed with me every night, and wearing a jumper and a pair of fluffy socks, and I’ve still somehow managed to develop chilblains. Chilblains, people. I thought that was just something for people in Charles Dickens novels, but no: it’s also for ME, apparently, and, in related news, this is why I don’t want to take my shoes off in your house . Yes. So, I don’t get this obsession with “cosy”. Like, if I’m understanding this correctly, you’re happy to never see the sun, as long as you get to put a blanket over your legs when you sit on the sofa? And this makes sense HOW?

Being able to snuggle up and read books/watch movies: I mean…you can do that at ANY time of year, surely? Well, YOU can, anyway. I read a grand total of two books last year, and both of those were read mostly on planes, and in hotel rooms, during the summer. It’s not like I magically have more time for reading/watching movies in the winter than at any other time, really: is it just me? Do other people not have to work during the winter, or look after their kids? How come they suddenly have all of this spare time for “snuggling” and I don’t?

Playing in the snow, and feeling like a child again: I actually DID play in the snow for a while earlier this week: by which I mean I followed Max around, repeatedly replacing his gloves while HE played in the snow. I did NOT, however, feel “like a child again”, unfortunately. I mean, sure, I did my best to fake enjoyment of said snow for Max’s sake, but here’s the thing: I did NOT enjoy the snow. Because it was cold and wet and uncomfortable, and who actually enjoys being cold and wet and uncomfortable? Seriously, WHO? Because one thing’s for sure: it’s not me. Why is it not me, I wonder?

SNOW DAYS: Literally only fun if they mean you get the day off from work/school: when you work from home anyway, and have a child to look after, a ‘snow day’ just means doing the same things you do every day, but without any additional childcare, or the hope of actually being able to leave your house for very long. No thanks.

Seriously, though: if you’re here to tell me how wrong I am for hating winter, I’m going to ask you to please attempt to do it without using the words “cosy” or “snuggle” or making reference to ‘twinkly’ lights and/or freakin blankets. Can’t do it, can you? 

So, I hate winter, is what I’m trying to say here.

Do you think I made that clear enough, because, honestly, I’m not sure?

I used to think my hatred of winter was due to Seasonal Affective Disorder – or S.A.D, as it’s appropriately known. I’ve never actually been officially diagnosed with that, though, because, if I DID go to see the doctor about it, I know exactly what they’d say: buy a lightbox, take vitamin D, try to get out more, WHAT ABOUT YOGA, THOUGH ? And, well, I’ve tried all of those things, and none of them has made even the slightest difference, so now I think I maybe just hate winter? Because it’s literally the WORST THING EVER?

Who’s with me on this, though? Because I know all the reasons some people love winter, but today I’d like to hear from my fellow haterz: misery loves company after all, and there’s still a long time to go until Spring…