Words and Phrases That Should Be Banned With Immediate Effect

I want to begin this post by saying that nothing you’re about to read in it is even remotely rational. It just isn’t. None of these words should be banned, exactly. 

I mean, there’s absolutely no reason why the use of them sets my teeth on edge. None at all. Actually, I think it’s a good thing that our language is rich, varied, and constantly evolving – otherwise we’d all be stuck talking like people did in the Olden Days, and wherefore wouldst we beest then, I asketh thee?

Exactly.

So, unless you’re absolutely hellbent on being offended, please know that this post is NOT ABOUT YOU and your God-given right to use the completely made-up and nauseatingly twee word “holibobs”. It’s just about me, and my irrational dislike of certain words. (Some of which I’ve probably even used myself at times, because that’s how “irrational” works.)

(Also how ‘irrational’ works: the way I can guarantee that someone will absolutely lose their shit over this post and comb through my archives to find examples of words and phrases I’ve used that they hate, while pretending to think that I’m ACTUALLY sitting here frothing at the mouth and trying to get these words banned. It’ll happen. Just you wait.)

Anyway! Here are some words that should be banned with immediate effect:

‘mooch’

People never walk around shops any more. They always, ALWAYS ‘mooch‘. I don’t know why, but this is deeply unsettling. All those people ‘mooching’ at the same time. It just sounds so furtive, somehow.

‘frock’

This is just a horrible thing to say about a dress, tbh.

‘out and about’

Can you be “out” but NOT be “about” I wonder? I’m going to try it next time I leave the house.

‘bloke’

This sounds like the Scottish word ‘boke’, which means ‘to gag’. And, funnily enough, that’s what it makes me feel like doing.

Any kind of “cutesy” shortening of words

‘Hubby’ , ‘choccie’, ‘lippie’, ‘biccie’, etc. So, any word ending in ‘ie’ or ‘y’ when it’s not supposed to, basically. Also, I saw the phrase ‘platy joobs’ used recently to reference the Queen’s platinum jubilee, and I died a bit inside that day.

‘Holibobs’

I have just died a little more writing that. RIP me.

‘famalam’

“Off on my holibobs with the famalam’. BOKE.

‘cosy’

Try to tell me how much you love autumn/winter without using the word ‘cosy’ or making reference to ‘snuggling under blankets’. Can’t do it, can’t you? People on the internet are absolutely OBSESSED with being ‘cosy’. OBSESSED.

‘Whereabouts’

Random, but you can just say, “Where are you?” not “Whereabouts are you?” No one does, though. I will grudgingly accept this word in the context of “whereabouts unknown”, but it will otherwise give me totally irrational rage.

‘Drama’ descriptors

I’d also like to formally request that people please stop ‘throwing’, ‘tossing’ and ‘slinging’ things with immediate effect, unless they mean it literally. Because my brain always interprets it literally, so if you tell me you ‘tossed a casserole in the oven’ for instance, I will instantly get a mental image of you standing on the other side of the room throwing food at your oven. Similarly, when you talk about ‘throwing a jumper on’, I’ll picture you throwing your clothes in the air and hoping they land on your body. Which is just plain weird. (I will obviously know that’s not what you mean, before you come at me, but I’ll still wonder, why the drama? You’re just putting a jumper on, Susan.)

While I’m on the subject, why do people always ‘climb’ into bed? I don’t think I’ve ever had to ‘climb’ to get into a bed in my life? Do you all have bunk beds? Are you the Princess and the Pea?

‘Pop’

I also take exception to the word ‘pop’ when used to describe an activity other than actual ‘popping’ of something; not because I take it literally, but because I find it’s often used to minimise something people want me to do. So, for instance, retailers will be all, “Oh, we don’t collect returns any more, you can just pop them into the post office,” when what they actually mean is, “You will have to get into your car and drive for 30 minutes in order to send this back to us. Sucker.”

‘Popping’ as an activity sounds like something fun and easy, but it normally seems to involve me having to rearrange my entire day to suit the person who wants me to ‘pop’ and, I resent the attempt to make it sound like nothing. If you want me to make an 80-mile round trip, Jim, just SAY that; don’t tell me to ‘just pop over’.

‘Padding’ to describe someone walking barefoot

Yes, fiction writers, I’m talking to you. She did not ‘pad’ across the room, ffs! Every time I read this in a book I imagine the character doing this weird kind of comedy-walk that could accurately be described as “padding”. But actually, 100% of the time, I’m sure the author just intended to show them walking, like a normal person.

‘draw’ for ‘drawer’

ME: It’s a drawer, it’s a drawer, it’s a drawer, it’s a drawer, it’s a drawer, it’s a drawer, it’s a drawer.

EVERYONE: “Draw.”

‘crack on’

Honestly, I can’t even explain why I hate this. It’s just terrible.

And, with that, I will now ‘crack on’ with my day and leave you to add some of the words and phrases YOU can’t stand. Have at it, folks…

What words should be banned according to you?