A List: Because I’m Lazy
- So, I went to the doctor’s on Friday. (Don’t worry, I’m not dying, it was just to change a prescription. No need for cards and flowers, but if you want to send shoes, be my guest). While I was there, one of the staff members popped out of the office, sat down next to an old lady who was in the front row of the waiting room, and said in a loud voice: “NOW, MRS MCTAGGART*, WE’RE GOING TO NEED A WEE URINE SAMPLE FROM YOU, CAN YOU DO THAT FOR ME?” Err, confidentiality, much?
- When they announced my name and I stood up to walk to the doctor’s office, EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the waiting room turned round in their chairs to watch me go. Every. Single. One. Like I was a famous person or something. When I reached the swing doors that lead to the surgery, still feeling dozens of beady eyes upon me, I was really tempted to turn round and take a bow.
- Amber Isachenko is now wearing a rather fetching black jersey dress, with red shoes (high heels, natch), but has not managed to actually DO anything yet, although she did manage to create a rather large box. As she – or rather, I – casually revolved the box in mid air, a small crowd gathered to watch. They were all newbies and I think they were pretty impressed with me. In fact, I bet they think Amber Isachenko totally owns that game…
- My mum is also in the game now. She’s called Norma Bavarel. Glam, no?
- I did some more Christmas shopping. Completed list is now as follows:
Terry: 3 gifts, all of which he knows about. He’s now refusing to give me any more gift ideas, which will probably mean a Christmas Eve dash to buy him crap he won’t use. Again.
Norma Bavarel: two gifts, but I have an idea for another gift
My dad: still only on one gift. Still has about ten years worth of socks, all in their plastic wrapping, plus about thirty unopened shirts, in his wardrobe, so Christmas is always a difficult one.
Me: Five gifts, six if you include the one Terry bought me yesterday.
Rubin: still no gifts. What do you buy the dog who has everything?
- I still haven’t fixed my car.
- I mean, I say that as if I’m going to go out there and fix it with my very own hands, and I think we all know I’m not. So when I say “I still haven’t fixed my car” I mean “Terry still hasn’t fixed my car.” No more Christmas presents for him, then!
- Two of our neighbours appear to have swapped houses. WHY?
- I checked my blog referrers today and discovered that I’m still getting a disproportionate amount of hits for the keyword phrase “ugly redhead baby“. Die, you asshats, DIE! (Also: a lot of hits for the phrase “waistband stretcher” and one for the phrase, “Amber choking on roast beef“. Why yes, I did choke on roast beef! Yes I did! I had no idea that would be the thing I’d eventually become famous for, but hey, I’ll take my 15 minutes wherever I can get it, me. Note to the person who found me having searched for the phrase: “I peed in my car”, though. NO. I did NOT do that: I repeat – I did NOT do that. What are you, crazy?
- Rubin did, though.
- Speaking of Rubin, his most recent referrer found him after Googling the phrase “man peeing in dog bowl”. Was there a half price sale on crazy or something?
- Guess who is the number one result on Google for “Man peeing in dog bowl”? GUESS?!
- I still haven’t finished my work for today. I should really do that, shouldn’t I?
* Name changed to protect the identity of the woman who had to pee in a jar, when everyone in the waiting room knew about it.