Jeans Genie

Because I know you’re all desperately interested in my continuing search for new jeans, it is with great sadness that I come here today to report that Topshop duly updated the stock on their website yesterday, and the jeans I’ve been waiting for, they were not on it. A sad day indeed.

But! But! There is a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, because as of just a few short minutes ago, I became the proud purchaser of this baby:

A_waistband_stretcher_4 (Note: Ugly “slacks” not included)

It’s a waistband stretcher! For stretching waistbands! So, basically all I have to do to get myself back on the fashion track here is to get out those two pairs of jeans I optimistically persuaded myself I would one day be skinny enough to wear (Never do that, by the way. Only stupid people do that.), dampen the waistband, slip in the stretcher, and away we go. Perfect. I really hope it works, because if it does, I will never have to do exercise again, and will be able to just crank the waistband up a notch every time I grow a size. Great.

Just in case you want one too, I bought the waistband stretcher from The House of Bath, which is one of those companies that sends you catalogues filled with “stunning inventions” such as the giant slipper that you put both feet into at the same time, “stylish” incontinent pants, and things you can use to seal your sandwich bags. If, like me, you’ve ever flicked through these catalogues and thought, “I wonder who the hell buys this shit?” well, now you know.

Anyway, I will report back on the success or otherwise of the stretcher. I really hopes it works because I seem to have entered one of those phases of my life where I have absolutely nothing to wear. This happens to me every so often. There I’ll be, happily getting on with my life, managing to get up in the mornings and dress myself, just like a normal person, and suddenly it happens. One morning I get up, look in the wardrobe, and discover that elves have visited in the night and taken away every single items that fits and/or is nice. I’m then forced to either a) go out and buy new clothes immediately, or b) wander around the house for days wearing one of Terry’s old sweaters and those shorts I bought in the New Look children’s department that time. I’m wearing them now, in fact.

Anyway. Shopping success of sorts, I think. I still haven’t drunk the water, though.

P.S. I write a weekly diary which goes out every Friday to my subscribers. Sign up below to get on the list...

books by Amber Eve
  • Stephen


    I direct you to my friend's journal here:

    Note the title? I expect lawsuit fireworks shortly…

    August 16, 2006
  • Ah, but you see, he "contains nuts" – I MAY contain nuts. It's an important distinction!

    August 16, 2006
  • Shiny


    How fantastic is your blog?!
    I have spent the last hour reading back through the last few months and have been crying with laughter.
    Obviously I have done no work for the last hour, but you have cheered up my grey Wednesday so THANK YOU!

    August 16, 2006
  • Ooh, thank you so much, Shiny! I normally make people cry with horror rather than laughter so am very flattered!

    August 16, 2006
  • Erik


    I am very curious of the results of using this device. Take pictures of you wearing the "processed" product.

    August 16, 2006
  • jen


    Amber, sorry but I cracked up when I read about the House of Bath-I had an interview with them!! 😀 lol They're store is full of the products in their catalogue.Not nice.


    August 16, 2006
  • Oh my God, JEN! You have been interviewed by the House of Bath! Did you SEE the waistband stretcher?!

    August 16, 2006
  • Nick


    Help! My grandma bought one of these and asked me to put it together for her but the instructions are horrific… I did a search and came across your blog. Can you help please?!

    Thanks so much.

    November 6, 2007