As some of you might know, until recently, I hadn’t seen any of the Disney/Pixar movies that most children – and also quite a lot of parents, let’s be honest – seem to be obsessed with.
No, not any of them: not even the really old ones, like The Lion King, or Shrek, or whatever. I mean, I’d seen the really, REALLY old ones, like the original Cinderella, and Snow White, and I think we ALL had our childhoods ruined by Bambi, obviously, but other than those? Nada. So, my knowledge of child-centred animation was sadly lacking, really, and I was pretty much OK with that: mostly because I secretly suspected that Toy Story would break me, and yes, I was right: it did. THANK GOD I made my parents promise to keep all of my childhood toys in the attic forever, is all I have to say about THAT.
(The toys… just wanted to be loved? They are… ALL OF US?)
Since Max arrived, I’ve been starting to dip my toe into the world of Disney/Pixar movies, and if anyone wants to judge me for that, I will cordially invite you to come round to my house at 6am tomorrow morning and make my toddler breakfast, while he dangles from your neck, shouting, “MUMMY HOLD MY HAND! HOLD MY HAAAAAND!” The problem with that, however, is that, because we tend to only put them on for him when we really need him to stay in the same place for a few minutes, I only see these movies in a collection of bite-sized chunks, and not necessarily in the right order, either. It took me over a year to piece together the plot of Moana, for instance, and although I could recite certain sections of Frozen off by heart (This morning Max knocked on the living room door, shouting, “Elsa! Elsa!” and I automatically responded, ‘Go away, Anna!”), until last week, I thought Kristoff was called Sven, and that the reindeer could actually talk. I’m still not over it, tbh.
The other issue, meanwhile, is that watching kids’ movies as an adult means you inevitably bring a certain amount of cynicism to the party: and, watching ANY movie as ME inevitably means you bring a certain degree of over-thinking to the party, too. Terry refuses to let Max see the movie Cars while I’m in the room, for instance, because, I’m sorry, but a world inhabited solely by cars just makes no sense to me, and I can’t make myself accept it. I just can’t.
As for Frozen, meanwhile… well, here are some things that have occurred me to me whilst over-thinking Frozen: and yes, there will be spoilers, so if you’ve not seen it yet, here’s a handy photo of some snow to allow you to hit the ‘back’ button before I ruin it for you:
(Oh, and obvious-disclaimer-is-obvious, but this post is supposed to be lighthearted, so if you’re here to earnestly explain the plot of the movie, or educate me on its greatness, please don’t be that person…)
Did anyone else spend the entire movie thinking the plot was going to basically revolve around them finding out the parents weren’t really dead? And, if so, did you then just sit there, thinking, “I wish they’d get past this whole ‘Eternal Winter’ bit, so we can get onto the real story, and find out the parents are still alive”? If they haven’t saved that for the sequel, I’ll… well, I’ll give up my dreams of being a Disney scriptwriter, for one thing…
(Oh stop it, of course they could be alive! This is a world where snowmen can talk and a woman can shoot ice out of her fingertips: are you seriously questioning a simple sleeping spell, or other piece of underwater enchantment? I mean, if I had to guess, I’d say the giant crab from Moana most likely has them, but I guess we’ll just have to wait for Frozen 2…)
Speaking of the parents, though: “Conceal, don’t feel?” FFS, Elsa’s dad: this will take years of therapy, and also the freezing of the entire kingdom, to unravel. THINK, man: THINK!
If Kristoff got Sven as a child, wouldn’t Sven be a really old reindeer by time the action starts? Do I even want to Google how long reindeer live, or can I not handle that particular truth?
I just really, really want to know that Anna had someone to talk to during the ‘Elsa’ years. I mean, it’s Disney: surely there was a chirpy orphaned kitchen maid, or a talking teapot or something?
Ditto Elsa, stuck in that room. Did she at least have a gigantic pile of books to work her way through, or something else to keep her busy, because that kind of solitude is the kind of thing she’ll only really be able to appreciate if she ever has a toddler, you know? And, I mean, we know she obviously wasn’t practising self-control in there the whole time, because, it’s like, she spends almost her WHOLE LIFE in a room, all, “Conceal, don’t feel!” and then the first time she comes out – THE FIRST TIME – her sister gives her ONE bit of sass, and she’s just like, “To hell with this: Ima freeze the whole kindgom!” Nice one, Elsa.
Or was Elsa maybe just really, really introverted? Because, you know when she’s singing about reluctantly letting them open up the gates, while visibly bracing herself for it? When that bit comes on, Terry always turns to me and says, “That’s basically you preparing to throw a party…” And he’s right. “But it’s only for todaaaay….!”
Totally didn’t see it coming with Hans. He seemed like such a nice boy?
Anna would totally have died of hypothermia long before she reached the shop, right? Like, when she’s getting ready to leave, and the snow is falling, and someone brings her a thin cloak to throw on over her sleeveless evening dress: that bit’s painful to watch, amiright? No one could’ve just given her something actually warm to wear? No one at all?
Speaking of clothes, I can accept pretty much everything in the movie, with the exception of the bit where Elsa makes a dress out of ice, but it somehow looks and behaves like silk. I’m sorry, but that’s just not realistic, is it?
The scene with the trolls, where Kristoff and Anna are all, “Look, we have quite a serious problem that we need your help with,” but the trolls are just like, “Maybe after this song and dance number…” The hell?!
FYI, Elsa, Olaf’s going to be needing a bigger snowcloud than that: just whenever you have a second…
Even although Elsa is obviously sorry for what she did, you still wouldn’t let her rule the kingdom after that, would you? Just in case?
Aaand, I think that’s it. For now. Because of the fact that I only view this particular movie in chunks of a few minutes at a time, though*, I’m pretty sure it contains many more opportunities for over-thinking that I just haven’t come across yet. Anyone care to share any of them?
(*No seriously: I’ve seen it approximately 2,865 times, but just yesterday I turned to Terry and said, “Wait: how did Anna’s heart get frozen, anyway?” And then he just sat and stared at me, like, “WTAF?” for the next five minutes…)
(It’s OK, he rewound it to the bit where it happens, so I’m all caught up now. Totally going to see Frozen 2 at the cinema, though, so Max can’t ruin it for me. Wait, did I say that out loud…?)