Honest Blogger Award

When Caroline, of Second Hand Shopper fame, nominated me for an Honest Blogger Award, requiring me to list ten honest things about myself, my first thought was, “Christ, is there anything I haven’t yet shared with the Internet?!” My tendency to over-share means that I have already revealed such fascinating stories as “that one time my granny’s dog farted so loudly he terrified himself,” and really, where do you go after that, I ask you?

So at first I wasn’t sure what I would possibly find to tell you about, but then I remembered that nothing is impossible when you have wine on your side, so I poured myself a large one and the following is what I came up with. I’m pretty sure I’ve already shared at least two of these before but hey, don’t blame me, blame my good friend, Lord Pinot of Grigio for that…

Ten Honest Things About Me. That don’t necessarily involve dogs farting.

1. I am totally maths phobic. Like, totally. I count on my fingers and don’t know my times tables (other than the 5 and 10, obviously, because d’uh, everyone knows those, even me.) One of my worst nightmares involves the use of the phrase “If one train leaves the station at 11am, travelling at 65mph….” and if ever I have to deal with numbers I freeze like a rabbit in the headlights and start trembling. So yeah, I really hate maths. Luckily this hasn’t had too much of an impact on my life to date, because so far no one has ever presented me with a triangle and required me to tell them the length of one of its sides, on pain of death. If that ever does happen, though, I’m SO dead…

2. I have trouble telling my left from my right. I mean, I DO know the difference, but if someone tells me to turn right, say, or to raise my left hand in the air, like I just don’t care, I will have to quickly pretend to be picking up a pen (I will do this surreptitiously, obviously. Like, I will put my hand behind my back and do it, I won’t just start picking up pretend pens out of thin air) to “remind” myself which hand is my right. I’m sure I’ve told you this before, but I guess you just have NO EXCUSE for ever forgetting it now, do you?

3. When I describe myself as a hypochondriac? I’m actually not joking.

4. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that I will probably never write the novel I’ve wanted to write since I was a child. Some people “have books in them” – I’m starting to realise I probably only have blogs in me. Which is a pretty weird sentence to type, really.

5. I sometimes can’t remember what age I am. I have to think about it for a few seconds…

6. When I don’t get any comments on my posts, it makes me horribly insecure. I have considered deleting this blog several times this year because I was hardly getting any comments and came to the conclusion that there was no point in continuing if people weren’t reading. The fact that so many of the bloggers I read myself are able to generate 45 comments just by stating what they ate for breakfast or posting a photo of their kid just reinforces this feeling of inadequacy. High school, much?
Edited to Add: I honestly didn’t write this so that people would feel guilty and leave comments telling me not to delete the blog. I am not thinking of deleting the blog. This point refers to other times during the past year when the comments dried up and I felt like no one was reading. But I don’t feel like that now, so the blog isn’t going anywhere!

7. Speaking of high school: I was the weird one no one would talk to. I was always dressed funny, got good grades (except in maths, natch) and read books for pleasure. Everyone hated me. Point 6 suddenly makes a lot more sense now, no?

8. Going back to the blogging thing: I hate it when I click a link onto someone’s blog and it’s called something like, “Little Johnny’s Mom” or “Mom of Four” or “I’m a Mom Now So I’ve Totally Lost My Own Identity and Can Only Refer to Myself as ‘So-and-So’s Mom’!” Because, you know, I am totally in a position to judge other people’s blogs, being so popular myself and all….

9. Despite writing about fashion and beauty for a living, I look as rough as hell most of the time, and wear jeans every single day in life.

10. If I was American, I would vote for Obama, no question. I find this to be the scariest photo I’ve ever seen in my life, and not just because of my phobia of crustaceans:

Three Scary Monsters

Three Scary Monsters

Every time I see it, I imagine that she wrestled the bear and crab to death. You gotta fear someone like that, you know? Or maybe the crab is one of her minions, ready to do her bidding? Maybe this is a vision of the world if the Republicans win the election? OK, now I’m really freaking myself out here…

I’m supposed to tag lots of people now and make them do this too, but seriously, the picture of the crab is disturbing me to the point where I wish I hadn’t uploaded it now because I will totally have nightmares tonight, and will not be able to look at my blog again until this drops off the front page. So if you have a blog, consider yourself tagged…

  • ani


    Oh dear.. I have never commented in case the people reading think I am an idiot, a combination of points 5 and 6? So, here I am!

    October 17, 2008
  • Fi


    Now I feel really bad, cos I'm one of those people who never comments on sites like this! Don't think we don't like you, we do! We're just really lazy, thats all…

    Keep it up, it's good stuff…

    October 17, 2008
  • I can't remember what age I am most of the time, too. My wife nearly convinced me that I was a year younger than I actually was once.

    I learnt to tell the difference between left and right when I was about 22. I know you're older than 22 now, but if I learnt as an adult, there's hope for you too!

    Recently, I've read several articles about blog comment counts falling despite increasing visitor numbers: it's not you, it's me. And all your other readers. We're commenting less.

    October 17, 2008
  • Hi, dont delete the blog, i read it! I have a tendency to over-comment (if that makes any sense) so i hold back most of the time because you know i don´t want to be mistaken for a stalker, that´s all.

    October 17, 2008
  • Awww, Amber! We love you, don't you know that yet?!!! Well, WE DO 🙂 I check your blog almost every day to see if there's something new I can laugh my ass off to 🙂 You're the wittiest person I know and you write the funniest stories! If you didn't blog here no more, I'd be forced to get a life and go out or all that crazy stuff, well you wouldn't do that to me, would you?? ;D P.S. This picture is totally freaky. Not because of the crab, but you know, I have a phobia of Republicans, harharhar 😀

    October 17, 2008
  • Mhairi


    Hey Amber.

    Got to agree with you on points 1 and 2, I am totally rubbish at maths, not through trying at school either. I went all the way to 5th year before giving up.

    Also with the whole left and right thing. I was shown a way to solve this. If you hold your hands out in front of you, with your palms facing the floor then your thumb and index finger on the left hand make an "L" shape for your left hand. That is how I quickly work out which one is left and right.

    Also with not commenting on your blog. I have been reading your blog for ages now, but wasn't sure if I should comment on here because we know each other away from the website. Silly I know!

    Love the blog, keep going girl


    October 17, 2008
  • J.


    I'm following you on Twitter just so that I never miss a post on here! I'm just really really lazy…

    That is such a bizarre picture. Who has such odd things in their office?!

    October 17, 2008
    • Terry


      Only Sarah Palin could think that was a nice office.

      October 20, 2008
  • I used to skip high school to go to the public library and read there. Beat that for high school nerdiness! Oh, and I wasn't popular, either.

    <abbr>Amanda Nicole´s last blog post..showing my (non) colours</abbr>

    October 17, 2008
      • Always fantastic to hear of some library love…

        October 21, 2008
        • Terry


          Libaries are the win, our local one has just started stocking chick flicks that have just came out. Saves me buying them for Amber 🙂

          October 22, 2008
  • Okay, this is a bit freaky… Apart from the fact that I don't give a toss about the American election or Sarah Palin, virtually all of these apply to me too!

    <abbr>Natasha´s last blog post..Current Obsession</abbr>

    October 18, 2008
      • anonymous


        Wow! Sarah Palin was born and raised a hunter! You have said you are not a vegeterian, and with all do respect, the only things President Obama has done is:

        1. Spend Money

        2. Criticize Bush (He is so on the "Blame Bush Express")

        3. Cut Nuclear Programs

        4. Make more taxes

        5. Make us more like Great Britian (Pretty Great. Huh?) With all do respect, President Obama is leading us on a path that Great Britian has proven does not work.

        6. Spend More Money

        7. Kiss up to the media

        8. Spend Money

        June 25, 2009
  • Kathleen


    I like math and am pretty good at it, love to read books, and wasn't popular in school either; I'd say that's pretty nerdy too. 🙂

    Love your blog. I undercomment like other people too, as I don't want to appear stalker-ish, but your blog is always fun, witty, and entertaining.

    I already thought Sarah Palin was a nut job, especially after her interview with Katie Couric, but that photo…wow. Bear rug, okay, but a large crab? Weird. Was that photo taken in her home??? I can't imagine relaxing next to a bear skin rug…with the bear's head still on it!

    October 18, 2008
  • Hi Amber,

    Phew, I'm glad you didn't delete! You're one of the most talented and funny writers on the blogosphere – you have no idea how much you make us laugh, and you should definitely still consider some kind of book in future… (I do wonder at those blogs that get loads of comments for one lame photo, too. People are just weird.)

    Also, I am so with you on maths and the left/right thing! On the former, Maureen Lipman once wrote that numbers "bounce off my eyes like disco lighting" 🙂

    <abbr>Diane´s last blog post..er, yeah</abbr>

    October 18, 2008
      • But I would *so* love to read that, Rubin cracks me up! 🙂

        Seriously though, lesser bloggers have turned their blogs into books, so you never know – when your network is bigger and you have minions it could happen… maybe non-fic is your forte.

        😉 x

        <abbr>Diane´s last blog post..er, yeah</abbr>

        October 20, 2008
  • Stephen


    I'm a baaaaaaad non-commentor.


    Y'know, I don't miss a single post you do. I like still being able to share something of you, even if it's just your crazy blog posts! ;+)

    October 18, 2008
  • Qwertie


    From High School Nerd to Was-High School Nerd :

    Keep the good stuff coming.

    October 18, 2008
  • I read this with Ash and said "shall I do it then?" to which he replied "well, you could almost copy and paste hers". Although he claims the first one for his own, too! x

    October 18, 2008
  • Damn, I was just coming to tag you and make you do one of those inane lists that I have been made to do. Beaten…. moving on.

    <abbr>Kim´s last blog post..Tagged?? Seriously…</abbr>

    October 19, 2008
  • Steph


    I can't do maths either. I don't usually have a problem with left and right, but I am actually incapable of remembering east and west unless I do the 'Never Eat Shredded Wheat' thing. I do this in public. With arm gestures.

    To be honest, I think I agree with you on pretty much every point (I used to get told off for reading books under my desk). And if I was American, I'd be voting Obama too. Palin genuinely scares me 🙁

    October 19, 2008
  • Melissa


    I can't do my left and right quickly, either. Oddly, I can tell people north, south, east and west. I keep forgetting my age, too. I'm 29 (almost 30) but keep thinking I'm 28. Perhaps it's denial.

    October 21, 2008
  • Am


    I do "Naughty Elephant Squirts Water"!

    I can't do maths, though perhaps I'm a little better than you, I can do my 2 times table as well an 10 and 5 (Go me!)

    I once had to phone my twin sister up to ask "how old are we?"

    And the only way I can tell my left from my right is by playing a pretend piano… Now that was hard in my driving test, let me tell you (perhaps that's why it took me 10 years to learn to drive. yes 10 years)

    October 27, 2008
  • myra


    lol – it took me a long time to learn Arithmetic – I am the only person I know who failed O level arithmetic. When I saw a question about how long it would take 2 men and a dog (joking there wasn't a dog, but there might as well have been) to empty a bath of water I used to think why don't they just pull out the plug. I also have to think about left and right. Being the odd one out at school just meant that you had space to develop your own personality – so that was an advantage – you will never follow the crowd.

    July 17, 2009
  • My god I now simply have to have a child and create a blog and name it "I’m a Mom Now So I’ve Totally Lost My Own Identity and Can Only Refer to Myself as ‘So-and-So’s Mom’!". It may seem an extreme course of action, but for the entertainment and laughs it will give I think it is worth it!
    .-= mysterycreature´s last blog ..Whitecurrant Cupcakes with Decadent Icing =-.

    July 27, 2009
  • I have about 5 readers on my blog and about 2 commentators. I know that feeling 😛 But I’ve invested way too much in it and I won’t entertain the idea of deleting it anymore. It’s for me and if anyone else wants to comment, it’s a bonus

    June 5, 2014