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Inadvertently Ask Amber

Posted on 41 Comments 4 min read

Forever Amber: UK fashion and lifestyle blog

 long, long time ago (I can still remember how that music used to make me smile), I used to run an occasional feature called ‘Inadvertently Ask Amber‘, in which I answered the questions people inadvertently ask me by typing them into Google and ending up on my site, the poor souls. Because when your life is so messed up you find yourself typing the phrase “how to avoid having a ginger baby” into Google, the LAST thing you need is to end up here, getting advice from yours truly, huh? But this is where those people find themselves, and, in a effort to be all helpful and servicey, here are the answers to just a few of the questions that have been popping up in my search referrers recently…

do you have to have red hair to be named scarlett?

Yes, you do, actually. There’s a law about it and everything. If you’re named Scarlett and you DON’T have red hair, you better be worried, because the Name Police are SO coming after you… Speaking of completely fictional police forces that I made up on the spot, but which should totally exist:

internet drama police

There should BE a Internet Drama Police, shouldn’t there? I nominate myself as its Chief. Anyone want to be my depute?

whenwearingfalseyelashesdoyouwearmascaraalso

I think a better question here would be, “What the hell happened to my space bar?” don’t you? If you were trying to ask whether you should wear mascara with false eyelashes, however, the answer is that it’s up to you. You don’t NEED to wear mascara with false eyelashes, but if I’m wearing them, I’ll normally apply a quick sweep of mascara, purely because I find it helps blend then in more to my own lashes (which are super-pale) and also anchors them to the lashes a little more reliably. But like I say: up to you. And get that space bar fixed!

what to wear for a christening age 38

First of all, wow, 38: that’s one old baby! Secondly, I got so freaked out by the number of people who arrive at this site after Googling the phrase “can I wear jeans to a christening?” that I wrote this post over on The Fashion Police. If you can’t be bothered reading all 2,000 words of it, though, I will sum it up thus: NO JEANS. Seriously.

weird phobia of people rubbing socked feet together or rubbing socks against the carpet

So, I’m kind of offended that you’re describing this as a “weird” phobia, to be honest, because as far as I’m concerned, it’s weird NOT to hate the sight/sound of people rubbing their socked feet together. Also, I’m including this one purely to prove to my parents that I’m not the only one who feels like this, DAD.

redheads likelihood of stroke

Great, now I’m TERRIFIED. Thanks, Mystery Searcher!

buy a dog with two tails

I can’t help you with the dog with two tails, but I CAN sort you out with a magical unicorn, if you’re interested? Just send £1,000,000 to my Paypal address and I’ll pop it in the post for you! (Well, it’s worth a shot, isn’t it?)

MILKY white skinned woman

OK, this one isn’t actually a question, but last week I was browsing Pinterest, as you do, and I noticed someone had pinned a photo of me, along with a comment (a nice one, I hasten to add), about the white tights I was wearing at the time. Except… I wasn’t actually wearing white tights: THAT’S JUST MY LEGS. So at least ONE of my Google vistors actually found what they were looking for, I guess: not just a milky white skinned woman, but a MILKY white skinned woman!

(Aside: I find it a bit weird when I come across pins of myself, to which people have appended long commentary about the outfit and what they’d change about it. I haven’t come across any really awful ones – YET – but obviously the people aren’t expecting me to see it, so they don’t pull any punches, and it’s a bit like accidentally overhearing someone gossiping about you. I have no actual point to make here, because I’ve long believed that what people say about me behind my back is none of my business, but … yeah, it’s a bit odd.)

(It’s a bit like when people comment on your Instagram just to tag someone else, who they then proceed to discuss you with – often in a language you don’t speak – as if you weren’t there. Which, of course, you ARE, because it’s YOUR photo. Is it just me who finds that a bit rude? )

(I’ll stop with the parenthesis now. I can’t even remember what the original question was now, to be completely honest…)

Why do ginger people smell of week

This was just one of many, many “ginger” related questions: I wasn’t planning to include any of them because you’ve heard it all before, but then I read this one, and now I REALLY want to know what “week” smells like. Any guesses?

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41 Comments
  • Mana
    October 13, 2014

    Oh I’m so happy to see this feature back. I try not to look at the things people searched for to find me. I get things like bbw ( effin bath & body works, I’m not a bbw) or once it was a search term used by people who get a bit dodgy with their wellies. Ever since then I decided I don’t want to know.
    But your answers are the best. And I know a Scarlet who’s in big trouble.

    Mana
    Fashion and Happy Things

    • Holly
      October 13, 2014

      Wellies?!

      • Amber
        October 13, 2014

        Trust me, you don’t want to know what people get up to their wellies. I have a shoe blog – I get some VERY strange emails!

        • Mana
          October 13, 2014

          That seems to be a common thing. I once bonded with a youtubers I met over the weird emails and comments we get from shoe pervs.

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      I don’t look at them very often (most of them are exactly the kind of thing you’d expect and not remotely interesting), but every so often I like to dip in and see what people have been looking for: it’s always interesting/funny/bizarre!

  • Holly
    October 13, 2014

    I once searched your website for something like ‘nude heels’ – for the very innocent reason that I just bought a pair, and I am also pale and a bit freckly, and I didn’t quite know what to do with them because ‘nude’ on me is about ten shades darker than my actual skin. Naturally this only occurred to me after I forked out the money for them. First world problems, eh?

    Anyway, I then remembered that you occasionally ran these weirdo keyword search posts and became instantly terrified I would end up on one as the weirod who was looking on Forever Amber for nudes and heels. I wasn’t, by the way. GOD NO. But the paranoia overtook me nonetheless.

    So, I am glad I don’t appear here and also, sorry.

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      haha, oh no, don’t worry, I wouldn’t consider that to be a remotely weird search – in fact, I’ve probably searched Google for it myself, so don’t worry! (Fun fact: Google won’t run ads on posts about nude shoes – it takes the word “nude” literally, and blocks ads from those pages. I know people are looking for shoes when I see it come up, though!) I do sometimes worry about inadvertently offending people (which would be a good alternative title for this post, actually!) by posting these, though: actually the only ones that really bother me are the ones where people have been searching for really personal information about me, using my full name, Terry’s full name etc – those area bit creepy, although I expect it’s just natural curiosity most of the time, as opposed to someone searching for my address so they can leave a horse’s head in my bed 🙂

      • Holly
        October 13, 2014

        I don’t think any of the googlers above would be that offended (at least, I hope not). Well, all right, maybe the person who fears strokes. But I hope they’d just be happy to have found a fellow red-haired worrier!

        (Fun fact for that person – I was told that one of the main risk factors was getting focal aura migraines, i.e. the rare type of migraine that I get. Also drinking too much wine, which I do. So maybe there’s some kind of hyperchondriac club I can join?)

        • Amber
          October 13, 2014

          Oh God, I also get focal migraines and drink too much wine! I’ve actually had to have counselling in the past for health anxiety, so I honestly wasn’t joking when I said those search terms absolutely terrify me!

          • TinaD
            October 13, 2014

            I was told once that the focal aura effects that imply infarction last more than an hour. If that helps at all. (I can’t imagine watching dancing fence lines in front of my eyes for a more than an hour. It’d be like reality tv.)

            • Amber
              October 13, 2014

              Oh, that’s good to know! Mine normally only last for about 15 minutes (although, of course, every time I get one, I freak out and start panicking in case it never goes away!)!

    • L
      October 13, 2014

      This whole chain is so reassuring. I also have major health anxiety, get focal migraines, and drink too much wine – and now I feel slightly reassured that a) I’m not the only one (although I guess that is a bit morbid, since it is kind of saying I’m glad I am not the only one theoretically at risk of dropping dead from a stroke) and b) the aura stage of the migraines only lasts about 20 minutes before being followed by the clutch-my-head-in-agony stage. Wins, right?

      • Amber
        October 13, 2014

        I’m thinking we should start a support group: we could all drink too much wine and and discuss our various health woes 😉

        (And I totally know what you mean about being reassured that it’s not just you who feels that way!)

  • Retro Chick
    October 13, 2014

    Well now you’ve prompted me to look at the questions in my search terms, which I normally avoid for fear of being terrified.

    Thankfully mine seem to largely be about head scarves, pin curls and babycham glasses. Apart from this very demanding person “what is modern vintage tell me noiw”

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      lol! Some of the wording IS really demanding – I always imagine the people sitting typing furiously, as if Google is their slave! I get a lot of really weird searches, but thankfully the ones from people terrified of having a “ginger” baby have started to die out a bit – those used to make me fear for humanity!

      • Retro Chick
        October 13, 2014

        I can’t help but wonder why they are so scared? Maybe they are having an affair with a ginger man, and rather than just not wanting a ginger baby they are worried that it will somehow give them away?

  • Katie
    October 13, 2014

    This made me laugh so much – especially the white tights part! Oh man… That’s going to keep me chuckling for days.

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      Haha! I was mortified – I mean, the person was *admiring* them, so I don’t blame her, but it DID make me realise that people probably think I’m wearing blinding white tights all the time!

      • Katie
        October 13, 2014

        Hahaha… So we’ll have you to blame for the new white tights fashion trend 😉 I used to get teased for my “milk bottle legs” at school all the time so I feel your pain! Even now I’m in my thirties it still haunts me a little bit, especially when the sun hits them and they appear to glow.

        • Amber
          October 14, 2014

          I get that “glow!” too – I swear if I ever lost my way at night, I could probably use my legs to light my way!

  • Catherine
    October 13, 2014

    This is hilarious! And the Scarlett question, what the hell? As if they’d never seen Scarlett Johansson or Gone with the Wind…

    Once I came across a picture of you on Pinterest with no reference to your name or blogs at all: does that bother you?

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      It does if it doesn’t link to my blog, yes! If it’s been pinned directly from the site, and people can click through and visit, it’s fine (actually, I love it when people pin directly from the site!), but sometimes people will save the image to their own computer, THEN upload it to Pinterest, which ensures I get no credit whatsoever – annoying!

      • Catherine
        October 13, 2014

        The picture was actually pinned by Closet London, so maybe you can get them to send you free dresses for compensation or something 😉

        http://www.pinterest.com/pin/568086940470288472/

        • Amber
          October 13, 2014

          Hmm, that’s so weird… The photo actually links to an Etsy shop, so it looks like the owner of the Etsy shop must have stolen the image at some point (presumably to use it to sell something!), and then Closet just pinned it from them. The Etsy shop isn’t using the photo at the moment, but I’ll keep an eye on it in case they take any more pics from me without asking – thanks for letting me know!

          • Fi
            October 13, 2014

            Oo, another candidate for Caughty Doing a McNaughty? X

            • Amber
              October 13, 2014

              Those McNaughties get everywhere – that’s the second one this week alone!

  • LydiaGrace
    October 13, 2014

    This has cheered a poorly fellow ginger right up! Well done Milky!

  • Rachel
    October 13, 2014

    I had the white tights comment at work a few weeks ago. “No these are my legs! and yes I’ve just come back from Ibiza!” and then he nearly touched my leg, as if he wasn’t sure that could possibly be true!

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      Oh my God, that’s so weird! Especially at work!

      • Rachel
        October 14, 2014

        Yep, it’s an engineering firm and definitely a relic from the 50s.

  • CiCi Marie
    October 13, 2014

    The Instagram thing – it’s so rude! Fortunately I don’t have nearly enough followers for this to be a regular problem – perils of being popular I guess! While I don’t think I have many search terms for my site that are as hilarious as these, I’ll just leave you with one I did just spot: ‘pictures of lady diapers’. Why did anyone searching for this – and why WOULD you search for this, what IS this? – end up on my blog? I wouldn’t even use the word diaper, not being American!

    And now I’ve written this comment here, you’ll probably get some people searching for this too 😉

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      I’m so relieved to hear it’s not just me who finds it rude… It mostly seems to happen to me with people posting in languages other than English: they could well be saying something complimentary for all I know, but I just find it so strange to discuss someone right in front of them, but in such a way as to exclude them from the conversation! I get quite a lot of foreign language comments, too, and I hate not knowing what’s being posted on my site!( I know people would tell me to just use Google translate, but it almost always just returns something equally incomprehensible!)

      Bracing myself for the influx of ‘lady diaper’ traffic 😉

  • Ellesworth
    October 13, 2014

    Well, coming from another redhead, my ‘week’ smells like wine, desperation, chocolate, guilt (those last two are related) and office. Mmmm. Fragrant.

    • Amber
      October 13, 2014

      Ha, that sounds pretty much like mine, if you replace “office” with “building site” – commiserations! More wine, perhaps?

  • Erika
    October 14, 2014

    I think it’s hilarious to see some of the search terms people have used to end up on my blog. Also, those instagram comment conversations amongst strangers, very annoying, I agree.

  • Élisabeth von Nymphenburg
    October 14, 2014

    This was hilarious 😀

  • Stef
    October 14, 2014

    As a fellow ginger I applaud the comeraderie but seriously who WOULDNT want to have ginger babies, especially a girl. I rake through my husbands beard regularly to find any evidence of the gene. I am convinced he has it and I will remain sure of that fact.

    • Amber
      October 14, 2014

      I know – quite a few of my friends have red-headed babies, and they’re super-cute! (Not that other hair colours aren’t obviously. We need to love aaaaalll the babies!)

  • Diane
    October 14, 2014

    Also a porcelain-skinned redhead here, and prone to migraines. The migraines went down in frequency when I cut out red wine. Switched to white and or/blush and no problems. Found by trial-and-error that I cannot have more than a half-glass of red before it sets off a migraine. I hope that helps someone here.

    • Amber
      October 14, 2014

      Wine isn’t a trigger for me, thank goodness! I only drink white, though – red wine makes me look like dracula!

  • Katie
    October 15, 2014

    Bahaha – brilliant.

    I reckon week has base notes of rain and leftover roast chicken, moving through to lingering top notes of the Sunday papers and Milk Tray.

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