The Awkward Files
Socially awkward? Introverted? Shy?
Why, yes I am, thanks for asking: and this page is where I share some of my most awkward stories with you, in the hope that at least some of you will be able to relate to them. Before I get started, though, I need you to understand that these are probably not the kind of stories you’re used to – you know, the big, dramatic ones, with plot twists and character arcs, and that kind of thing. Instead, these are simply just the stories of ordinary events and everyday awkwardness; the bad haircuts, disrupted days out, and other random acts of stupidity that still make you jerk awake 20 years later, cringing with embarrassment at the very memory of them.
If you’ve ever felt that life would be easier if you could just be a little bit more like everyone else, then, this blog is here to reassure you that you’re fine just the way you are. So embrace abnormality. Own your awkwardness. And, above all, know that it’s not just you: actually, as it turns out, it’s mostly ME, apparently. I have never intentionally gone looking for awkward situations, but somehow they always seem to find me, and I’m telling my stories because I know there are some people out there who are like that too: the outsiders, the over-thinkers, the socially awkward.
These stories are for you: because I do the awkward things so you don’t have to. Then I write about them…
Things You Might Have Done if You’re Socially Awkward:
Assumed that everyone you know secretly hates you, even in the absence of any evidence of this.
Lain awake at night cringing over something you did twenty years ago, that you will literally never get over the embarrassment of.
Changed direction at the last minute because you can see someone approaching you, and you’re just too peopled-out to be able to face another encounter today, thanks very much.
Had to fully commit to this new direction you’re now travelling in, even though it’s going to take you miles out of your way, when you notice that the person you were trying to avoid is now going that way, too.
Felt like the odd one out in every social group you’ve ever been part of.
Pretended to recognise someone when you’ve absolutely no idea who they are.
Been forced to continue the charade even once you realise that the reason you didn’t recognise them is because you’ve never actually met them before. So now you have a new best friend, and neither one of you knows the first thing about the other. Excellent.
Taken the stairs because there was already someone in the lift when the doors opened and you didn’t want to have to make awkward conversation / equally-awkward silence with them for the two whole minutes the ride would’ve taken.
Sat in a club or bar on your own, while all of your friends pair off with handsome strangers, never to be seen again.
Pretended that you actually prefer sitting on your own, anyway.
Avoided going into a shop you want to buy something from because you go there so often that the shop assistant has started to recognise you and want to chat, and it’s just so socially awkward.
Bought something you didn’t need because the sales assistant was lovely, and you just couldn’t bring yourself to say no.
Had to go through social media and un-tag yourself on every single photo posted after a night out, because while everyone else looks effortlessly normal, you never fail to look like an extra from The Walking Dead.
Pretended to be doing something super-important on your phone, just so no one tries to engage you in conversation.
Asked someone to repeat themselves twice, because you couldn’t hear them properly, then, the third time it happened, just pretended to know what they said. Then spent the next few minutes in an agony of suspense, hoping you’ve given the appropriate response, and not just laughed at the news that their goldfish just died or something.
Thought you recognised someone from a distance and started waving enthusiastically, only to realise it’s actually a complete stranger, so now you have to pretend to be waving at someone BEHIND them, who is ALSO a complete stranger.
Refused to answer your ringing phone, then spent 20 minutes Googling the number that called you in a bid to find out who they were, and what they might have wanted.
Spent the day driving to four different post offices (Three of which are nowhere near your house), just because you have a ton of parcels to post, and you don’t want to be That Person standing at the post office queue for 30 minutes while a huge line develops behind you.
These are the kind of things I do: and, if you’re anything like as socially awkward as I am, they’re probably the kind of things you do, too. It’s important to note here, however, that you don’t have to fulfil ALL of the absolve criteria in order to qualify as awkward, and that many of the traits of Awkward Girls are ones shared with introverts and social anxiety sufferers, neither of which groups are necessarily awkward. Are you following this? Because it’ll be awkward if you’re not, won’t it?